Catherine Miller - Waiting For You

‘But there’s no point if it’s just me taking part. My husband said no. I shouldn’t have gone behind his back,’ Fliss said, biting her lip.

‘Three months is a long time. Perhaps he’ll change his mind by the time we get to that part. There’ll be no harm in your doing the video diary entries and if you decide not to take part later on we can scrap them and you won’t be included in the programme. The time will give you the chance to persuade him.’

‘I didn’t think you’d be coming here and recording in my house. I’ve got my daughter to think about as well.’

‘She won’t be affected by the filming. I promise we only want to set up a simple camcorder wherever you want it to be. Most of the documentary will be filmed later on. We ask that participants continue the video diaries throughout so we can get the personal side to your story. We don’t want it to be a clinical take on secondary infertility. We want the human perspective.’ Carrie sipped her coffee. ‘You’ll be perfect. Our viewers will really connect with what you’re going through. It strikes me it can be very lonely and that will resonate with people.’

Fliss considered for a second. Carrie had managed to sum up her marriage with one word. Lonely. It wasn’t something she’d ever admitted to anyone, but that was exactly what she was. Every week she cherished the time she spent with her daughter, but when Hollie was at school and in the evenings – especially the evenings – the loneliness had intensified over the years. Without Ben there she couldn’t pop out to meet up with her friends and, with her mum living an hour away in the car, it wasn’t easy to have a life of her own.

‘You might help someone in the same position as you.’ Carrie finished the last of her coffee.

Fliss thought of Ange. ‘I know lots of people who are struggling and they’ve become like friends. It’s something that only someone in the same situation really understands.’

‘So does that mean you’ll do the videos?’

Fliss had changed her mind about twenty times since they’d arrived. ‘Yes. It will give me time to have a proper think. As long as I can back out after those three months like you’ve promised. I want the fact the videos will be destroyed if I choose not to take part written into anything I sign.’

‘Of course.’ Carrie stood. ‘Let’s get back inside and see if Leon’s managed to set the camera up. We can have a quick test run. We’ll meet up again before the next stage of filming and you can give me your final decision then.’

Carrie headed off without Fliss and for a moment Fliss wondered whether it would be rude to run away. She wasn’t sure if she had the conviction to go through with any of this and it would be wrong to waste their time. It was the sense of being sprung upon making her uncomfortable. But then if she continued there was a chance of a baby. The sibling she longed for Hollie to have. If there was even the slightest hope this would get her closer to that goal she was prepared to grab it with both hands.

With that thought, Fliss matched Carrie’s stride and headed indoors.

‘Everything ready?’ Carrie asked when they reached the front room.

Leon and his lanky pal looked up from whatever it was they were fiddling with. They were both dressed in black jeans and black T-shirts, although Leon filled his out far better, and Fliss guessed it was some kind of uniform.

‘We’re ready to go through it whenever Fliss is,’ Leon said, his hazel eye’s holding her attention.

‘Excellent. I’ll go and see if I can find the paperwork in my car. I’ll leave you to it.’ Carrie let herself out of the front door.

Made yourself quite at home, haven’t you, Fliss thought as she stared after Carrie.

‘Do you want me to show you?’ Leon asked. His arched eyebrow added a sense of ‘Are you really going through with this?’

‘She said I can back out later on if I don’t want to go through with it.’ Eyebrows can’t talk, Felicity, she told herself and turned her attention to the camera. ‘So, what do I need to know?’

‘It’s pretty simple. When you want to make a recording you need to press this button here.’ Leon showed Fliss the small panel of buttons and she saw he was pointing to the one marked record. ‘Once you’ve pressed it this light here will come on so you know it’s working.’ A red LED light came on as he demonstrated. ‘Once you’ve finished press the stop button.’

‘That’s the kind of level of technology I can deal with,’ Fliss said.

‘We just need to get the angle of the camera right so we have a good headshot of you. If you can sit in the chair and I can get it all set up… I used Tim as my guide and he’s about a foot taller than you so we’ll be filming your forehead if we’re not careful.’

Fliss moved round to her comfy chair where she spent most of her evenings cuddled up by the woodburner reading a good book. ‘I will be able to put it away somewhere when it’s not in use, right?’ Staring at the camera on its tripod, Fliss became aware of how intrusive it was. It would be like Big Brother continuously being there even when it wasn’t on. Not to mention what Ben would think when he returned home this weekend. She’d hardly be able to keep her participation in the project a secret with a camera living in the lounge.

Leon’s hazel eyes peered up from where they’d been staring at her through a lens. ‘You can collapse the tripod fairly easily and store it somewhere safe out of the way. I’ll need to make sure you put it back in the same spot. Maybe I could mark its place with some tape for you, if that’s okay?’ He grabbed some hazard tape from a nearby bag of equipment then raised his eyebrows while he waited for her answer.

Stripes of yellow and black tape across the floor wasn’t a discreet option. ‘Can you make them small pieces?’ Fliss asked.

Leon riffled about in the bag again. ‘How about I do it with this?’ He held up a roll of black electrical tape. ‘That way your husband shouldn’t be able to spot anything.’

Fliss blushed. Was she really that readable?

‘Tim, get the scissors out of the car can you? I can’t find them in here,’ Leon said.

The young, lanky fellow who’d been leaning against the wall the whole time headed outside.

‘Work experience,’ Leon said. ‘Really not sure how I can make it more interesting for him, but then it would help if he showed a bit more interest.’ He knelt by the tripod and cut a small piece of black tape with his scissors.

‘I thought you said you couldn’t find them,’ Fliss said.

‘A little white lie to occupy him. There’s another pair out there so it’s not like he’s on a totally wild errand. Besides, I didn’t think you’d want him ruining your expensive wallpaper.’

Fliss’s cheeks went an even deeper shade of crimson. Why she was embarrassed she was unsure. The paper was anything but expensive. Everything in the cottage had been done on a budget and, where possible, made by her own fair hands. The wallpaper had been cheap and plain. She’d done the hand-painted artwork on it, but should she admit to it? Or let him believe they were better off than they were? ‘I did it myself,’ she confessed.

‘What? Put it up? Neat job,’ Leon said, paying a bit more attention to the single feature wall.

Something prickled within Fliss. Why shouldn’t she own up to its being her work, especially if this guy was doubting her ability to put up wallpaper. ‘Yes, I put it up and I painted on the decoration. I’m an interior designer, but I prefer to do a lot of the work myself,’ Fliss said in a rather more defensive tone than she’d intended.

‘In that case it’s a really neat job. I wish I had artistic talent like that.’ Leon gave the paper a closer inspection. ‘Are you seriously telling me you can paint that perfectly?’