Catherine Miller - Waiting For You

‘It’s not the same as this,’ Fliss said, as she flexed both hands tight around her mug as she took a sip. ‘What I’m telling you now won’t go any further unless you tell someone. You’re not going to, are you?’

‘My lips are sealed.’ Leon gestured as such.

‘If I say something on camera it’s documented for life. I can’t go back on it and it’ll be broadcast whether I like it or not. I’ve got no control in this. Just like I’ve got no control over my body.’

‘If there’s something you don’t want to keep, I can delete it if need be. It doesn’t have to be so out of your control.’

‘Really?’ Fliss’s brow furrowed. ‘Why would you do that? Surely you’d get into trouble?’

Leon shrugged. ‘I’m in charge now, remember. No one would know any different and, if it puts your mind at rest, I guess it’s worth the risk.’

‘You’re only saying that because you’re in charge. My dropping out is going to cause you problems.’

‘Look, I’m not going to lie to you. I could do without someone leaving the programme at this point in time. Your staying will save me a headache, but I asked because I wanted to know if this was right for you. I’ve got other applicants waiting, but I want the people it’ll help most involved in the programme. I think you fit that bill. Look, if you’re worried about doing the filming we can have a practice run here. I can set up the video and we can chat like we are now. Nice and relaxed.’

Fliss sighed and studied the garden. She hadn’t planned to be talked round like this. But saying her reasons out loud had made her realise she needed to give herself this opportunity. And with Leon now in charge, maybe it wouldn’t be quite as scary as she’d originally thought. Returning Leon’s intense stare, she decided to go with it. ‘I never will know unless I do it, so let’s do this practice run.’

Chapter Six

‘How do you want to do this?’ Leon asked. ‘You can just talk to the camera or I can ask you some questions.’

The camera was all set up and staring at Fliss from the patio. ‘Can you ask questions, please? I didn’t know what to say the other night.’ She was finding talking to Leon therapeutic. He was a stranger, but somehow that made it easier to open up. It made her realise that, for some time now, she’d had no one to talk to outside of her relationship. Yes, she had her online community and she’d spoken to Ange on the phone, but aside from that she’d not spoken to anyone in the flesh. She’d put up a façade for her family, preventing her from admitting their dual lifestyle was causing them problems.

‘I’m no interviewer, though, so be warned, the questions I come up with might be rubbish. Just expand more on what you’ve already told me.’ Leon smiled. It was half hidden by the beard-length stubble situation, but it provided reassurance all the same.

‘I’m sure your questions will be far more tactful than anything Carrie would have come up with. Besides, you can edit out any rubbish attempts.’

‘True. So start by telling me how long you’ve been trying for a baby. Remember the audience don’t know anything about your story.’

Fliss tried to ignore the camera and spoke directly to Leon. ‘We started trying not long after moving here to Kent. I was naïve and thought I would fall pregnant again quickly like I did with my daughter, but I didn’t factor in how much less we would see each other now I’m here and my husband is in London all week. It didn’t worry me for the first year as our time together was so much less than before, but as time went on I started to suspect there might be a problem.’ Fliss shifted in the seat, trying to be relaxed like she was before.

Leon checked the camera then his head popped up and again he smiled his reassurance. ‘If you thought there was a problem, why didn’t you go and get it checked out then?’

‘I wanted to, but there was so much going on since we moved here. Hollie starting at her new school, decorating the house and flat, setting up my own business. Time passes so quickly and before you know it, it’s become like the dental check-up you need. You know you should book it, but you never seem to get round to it. Plus we’ve been so ready to put it down to the fact we only see each other two days out of seven. It’s pretty hard to co-ordinate having sex during your fertile period when you’re not in the same county.’

‘Haven’t you ever done like they show you in the movies and yelled at him to come home because you’re ovulating?’ Leon grinned. ‘Told you I wouldn’t be very good at asking questions.’

Fliss returned the smile and appreciated that it was a subject somehow better tackled with humour. ‘No, sadly it doesn’t work quite like they show you on the telly. I tried those kits out a couple of times.’ Fliss considered how much intimate detail she wanted to share with a stranger. Having Leon here reminded her that whatever she said would be heard. The process was less anonymous than sitting with a camera revealing private thoughts. It was making her edit what she said before she even spoke. ‘Let’s just say they can be a bit messy and inconvenient. I think if Ben worked a bit nearer it’s something I might have pursued. But it’s not much good finding out you’re ovulating on a Tuesday, knowing you won’t see your husband until Friday night.’

‘Has Ben ever tried to find work locally so you’re not in this split-home situation?’ Leon arched his eyebrow as if it was trying to form a question mark.

Fliss deemed the eyebrow was judging her and found herself giving it an evil stare. She wanted to talk about fertility, not her relationship, but then of course the two went hand in hand.

‘It would involve too much upheaval. Ben would have to take a pay cut or set up his own business. There’s barely room for my set-up so we’d need to move house so Ben could have a home office. We switched to this lifestyle so we’d have the best of both worlds and we have.’ Sort of. There Fliss went again trying to convince someone else that they lived the ideal lifestyle when she no longer believed it herself. ‘We have tried to synchronise Ben’s annual leave on occasions, but that hasn’t worked.’ Fliss shifted on her seat, the questions making her uncomfortable.

Leon’s eyebrow remained raised as if making an assessment of everything she was saying. ‘I apologise for asking you this one, but it’s something I can cut out if you’re not happy with it. A lot of people may regard it as greedy to want a second child when you already have one. So why do you want another child?’

Fliss studied the lawn borders. Would people really consider it to be greedy? Did Leon? ‘It’s difficult to explain, but I’ll do my best. Most of it is down to maternal instinct. Ever since Hollie was little I knew I wanted to do it again. It’s that special bond you create with that little person knowing they depend entirely on you and trust you implicitly. I know I’m lucky to have that bond with Hollie, but ever since she was small, I wanted her to also have a bond with a little brother or sister.’ She returned her gaze to Leon hoping that he understood. ‘The older she gets the more I think she’ll benefit from it. I loved growing up with my sisters and being in the middle. I always had someone looking out for me and someone to look out for. I still do. I’ve always thought Hollie would be a wonderful older sister.’ Fliss stopped at saying she wanted another child to fill the void. The loneliness that was becoming more overwhelming the more independent Hollie became. ‘Do you understand what I mean?’

Leon’s eyebrow relaxed at long last. ‘I don’t have any children and I don’t think I want any.’

It was Fliss’s turn to be judgemental. ‘What? You don’t want any? Surely you’ve thought about it?’ Fliss didn’t know anyone who didn’t want children. Didn’t have children, for that matter. Perhaps that was because her single friends had fallen by the wayside over the years; not intentionally – it just seemed to have happened like that.