Massimo Recalcati - In Praise of Forgiveness

1 Cover

2 Front Matter In Praise of Forgiveness Massimo Recalcati Translated by Alice Kilgarriff polity

3 Introduction Notes

4 1 The Ideology of the NewThe Contemporary Degradation of Love Lives Resignation or Dopamine? Narcissistic Love Two Lies for Our Time The New Libertine Ideology Love as Resistance to the Libertine Worship of the New Notes

5 2 Encounter and DestinyLove as Oedipal Repetition Falling in Love with Ourselves The Scream of Life The Discussion about Barolo The Sexual Relationship Does Not Exist We Are Loved Not Because of Something, But ‘Because of Everything’ The Loving Encounter is the Birth of a World Disappointed Love The Eros of the Encounter Fidelity The Face and the Eternal Notes

6 3 Trauma and AbandonmentA Captive Freedom? Albertine Is the Promise of Love Always False? ‘It’s Not Like It Used To Be’ What Is a Trauma? The First Blow Trauma is the Flipside of Repression Trauma in Love Falling into Non-Sense The Fall This Side of the Mirror A Wound With No Cure Abandonment Notes

7 4 The Work of ForgivenessCourageous Love The Adulterous Woman To Forgive the Unforgivable? Reflection by the Subject The Impossibility of Forgiving Out Of Love The Work of Forgiveness and the Work of Mourning Forgiveness and Gratitude Why Men Find It More Difficult to Forgive Violence Without Law Violence and Love The Tender Assassin Absolute Exposure to Love Virgil’s Gloves Narcissism and Depression Woman’s Foreign Language ‘They Are All Whores!’ Killing Them in Order to ‘Love’ Them The Joy of Forgiveness? Forgiving Oneself Notes

8 End User License Agreement

1 Cover

2 Table of Contents

3 Begin Reading

1 ii

2 iii

3 iv

4 vii

5 viii

6 1

7 2

8 3

9 4

10 5

11 6

12 7

13 8

14 9

15 10

16 11

17 12

18 13

19 14

20 15

21 16

22 17

23 18

24 19

25 20

26 21

27 22

28 23

29 24

30 25

31 26

32 27

33 28

34 29

35 30

36 31

37 32

38 33

39 34

40 35

41 36

42 37

43 38

44 39

45 40

46 41

47 42

48 43

49 44

50 45

51 46

52 47

53 48

54 49

55 50

56 51

57 52

58 53

59 54

60 55

61 56

62 57

63 58

64 59

65 60

66 61

67 62

68 63

69 64

70 65

71 66

72 67

73 68

74 69

75 70

76 71

77 72

78 73

79 74

80 75

81 76

82 77

83 78

84 79

85 80

86 81

87 82

88 83

89 84

90 85

91 86

92 87

93 88

94 89

95 90

96 91

97 92

98 93

99 94

100 95

101 96

102 97

103 98

104 99

105 100

106 101

107 102

108 103

109 104

110 105

111 106

112 107

113 108

114 109

115 110

116 111

117 112

118 113

119 114

120 115

121 116

122 117

123 118

124 119

125 120

126 140

To Luciana Sica, to her strength

Massimo Recalcati

Translated by Alice Kilgarriff

polity

First published in Italian as Non è più come prima . Copyright © 2014, Raffaello Cortina Editore. All rights reserved. Published by arrangement with The Italian Literary Agency. This English edition (c) Polity Press, 2020

Excerpts from REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST, VOLUME III: THE CAPTIVE, THE FUGITIVE, THE PAST RECAPTURED by Marcel Proust, translated by C. K. Scott Moncrieff and Terence Kilmartin, and by Andreas Mayor, translation copyright © 1981 by Penguin Random House LLC and Chatto & Windus. Used by permission of Random House, an imprint and division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved.

Polity Press

65 Bridge Street

Cambridge CB2 1UR, UK

Polity Press

101 Station Landing

Suite 300

Medford, MA 02155, USA

All rights reserved. Except for the quotation of short passages for the purpose of criticism and review, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

ISBN-13: 978-1-5095-3491-3

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Recalcati, Massimo, author. | Kilgarriff, Alice, translator.

Title: In praise of forgiveness / Massimo Recalcati ; translated by Alice Kilgarriff.

Other titles: Non è più come prima. English

Description: English edition. | Cambridge, UK ; Medford, MA, USA : Polity Press, 2020. | Summary: “An original reflection on betrayal and forgiveness in modern relationships”-- Provided by publisher.

Identifiers: LCCN 2019038645 (print) | LCCN 2019038646 (ebook) | ISBN 9781509534890 (hardback) | ISBN 9781509534906 (paperback) | ISBN 9781509534913 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Forgiveness. | Interpersonal relations.

Classification: LCC BF637.F67 R43 2020 (print) | LCC BF637.F67 (ebook) | DDC 158.2--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019038645LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019038646A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

The publisher has used its best endeavours to ensure that the URLs for external websites referred to in this book are correct and active at the time of going to press. However, the publisher has no responsibility for the websites and can make no guarantee that a site will remain live or that the content is or will remain appropriate.

Every effort has been made to trace all copyright holders, but if any have been overlooked the publisher will be pleased to include any necessary credits in any subsequent reprint or edition.

For further information on Polity, visit our website: politybooks.com

I would like to thank my friend and editor Raffaello Cortina for having believed in me over these last few years, and Maria Egidi with whom I share a great deal of my working life and who, over ten years of working together, has supported me with patience, affection and happiness. Federica Manzon and Lucrezia Lerro for their friendship and for having read and commented upon the narrative parts of the book, giving me invaluable advice. My thanks also to Mauro Grimoldi for having listened to me discuss this book since its conception during our morning runs through Parco Sempione and elsewhere. Last but not least, Enzo Bianchi for his silent presence in me.

The most precious gift that marriage gave me was the constant impact of something very close and intimate, yet all the time unmistakably other, resistant – in a word, real.

C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

The psychoanalyst hears the woes that accompany love lives on a daily basis: emotional isolation, sexual inhibitions and symptoms, the compulsive quest for relationships that fail to satisfy, the ensuing disappointment, the initial ecstasy of falling in love, infidelity, boredom, jealousy, a decline in desire, separation, abuse, the inability to love, the difficulty of finding the right man or woman. And yet today’s trials and tribulations of love seem to be different from those of the past.