Tom Falkenstein - The Highly Sensitive Man

In order to achieve this, we need highly sensitive men who can be an example to others, showing less sensitive men that they can be sensitive, emotional, tactful, and masculine and that it’s a great way to live your life. A few years ago, I had a long conversation with Christopher Germer, a clinical psychologist and the author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions . 31We covered many topics, including masculine identity, shame, introversion, and high sensitivity. We also spoke about how completely revolutionary it would be, and how much it would change the world, if every man started to try to deal with his feelings and could realize that everything that he felt, thought, and did was automatically manly because he was a man, whether or not society currently saw him as typically masculine. Germer hit the nail on the head when he summed up our conversation by saying, “A man is just a human being living in a male body. We sometimes forget that.”

How can we all make sure that we remind ourselves of this more often?

John: “Free yourself from society’s expectations.”

I think John is a particularly good role model for highly sensitive men because as well as being a highly sensitive man, he is also a highly successful attorney in a professional field that we usually associate with traditional masculine attributes and behaviors. He also talks about how he has tried to free himself from society’s expectation that a man should want to be sexually promiscuous. Interestingly, this is a subject that many highly sensitive men, whether gay or straight, have discussed with me.

When and how did you first notice you were highly sensitive?

That fact that I was more sensitive to stimuli than my peers began to crystalize when I was in my late teens. Looking back now, my first sense was that I couldn’t “endure” activities that were typical for people my age, like going to parties and clubs, because I was too sensitive to noise. It wasn’t until I was a student, around twenty-two, that I started to think that other people might feel the same way and I started to do some research and read around about it. That’s when I came across the concept of high sensitivity.

What are the advantages and the disadvantages of being highly sensitive?

One man’s meat is another man’s poison, and high sensitivity seems to trigger specific characteristics that—depending on the situation—can be helpful or unhelpful. It means that you have an intense sensory perception, an intense life and experiences. But I could do without the intensity of experiencing acute overstimulation.

Looking back, what sort of messages or feedback would have been helpful to you?

In hindsight, I would’ve liked it if someone had explained to me why I was “different” and how I could deal with that. I would’ve found a role model really helpful, especially when I was going through puberty. Someone who got my sensitive disposition and could’ve helped me find my place in the world. Maybe it would’ve also been good if someone had more clearly communicated to me that it was “okay” to be how I am and that I don’t need to achieve things to be recognized or loved even. On the other hand, the term highly sensitive wasn’t around back then. And my father, who knew about my sensitive nerves, gave me some little practical tips that I still remember to this day. For instance, before my driving test, he instilled in me that I should take it all really slowly.

What are the particular challenges that highly sensitive men face in our society?

I feel like society sees sexually successful men as being promiscuous and also expects that men want to be promiscuous. Because of my high sensitivity, I don’t find it easy to instigate cursory sexual contact. Not wanting to do it isn’t an argument, though: a “real man” should want it. In this regard, I don’t think that men have been successful at emancipating themselves completely from society’s expectations.

How does your high sensitivity affect your relationships with other men?

This observation may be something that’s just a coincidence, but I feel that I get along really well with gay men. Two of my good friends came out after I’d known them for a while. Other than that, I tend to be friends with women. I don’t do very well with activities that are “typical for men.” I have a particular problem with competitive sports, perhaps because I know that I don’t have much of a chance in those sort of games. I am just better friends with women. My sense is that they are more communicative. I probably assume that men are going to be more shallow.

How does your high sensitivity affect your relationships with women?

I think that high sensitivity makes friendships with women easier. Depth of processing at an emotional level means that you can have deeper conversations. In relation to sexuality, I think I’m a bit insecure when it comes to recognizing sexual interest, eliciting it, and to attracting women. I think you need to exude a really robust self-confidence for that, which doubt-ridden highly sensitive men often don’t have. In terms of romantic relationships, I lack a certain playfulness with women. But if I’m emotionally involved, it feels like the stakes are very high, because the threat of being deeply hurt is so high.

What are the advantages and the disadvantages of being highly sensitive at work?

I never felt like being highly sensitive played any kind of role in my professional life. Sometimes I’ll be asked how a highly sensitive person deals with the sort of antagonistic situations thrown up by legal fights, which you experience a lot working as an attorney. But this is only an issue if you believe that the aggression in those situations is real and not just part of the game.

My advice for other highly sensitive men … ?

Free yourself from society’s expectations about how you should behave, what your preferences should be, or how you define success or happiness. Accept that you’re going to be following a different set of rules.

CHAPTER 2

Understanding High Sensitivity: The Scientific Background and Why People Differ in Their Innate Sensitivity

Y OU MAY WELL HAVE READ a lot about high sensitivity in other books or online, thought long and hard about the term high sensitivity , and already decided that you’re highly sensitive. Or perhaps you’ve read a couple of articles about high sensitivity, heard about it here and there, and wondered whether you, too, might be highly sensitive. Or perhaps you’re not highly sensitive at all, but you have an inkling that your spouse, your partner, your son, your son-in-law, your brother, your father, or one of your friends might be highly sensitive and you want to better understand what it means. Maybe someone gave you this book as a present or lent it to you because that person thinks that you could be highly sensitive. Whatever the reason is that you’re reading these pages, I’m really happy that you’re here. Because the more people who know about high sensitivity and really understand what it is, the better.

In this chapter, so that you get a really clear idea of exactly what high sensitivity is, I want to give you a compact but detailed overview of the academic research on the subject. This will increase your knowledge about high sensitivity and give you a firm grounding in the theoretical background. I will also explain the scientific context, showing how high sensitivity complements the better-known term introversion . At the same time, it’s important to me that you understand that the concept of high sensitivity is based on the results of numerous robust scientific studies from around the world and represents a serious field of scientific research. It is in no way some sort of “new age” phenomenon. One can get this impression when one sees the myriad ways in which people try to sell the term high sensitivity and the way it is sometimes presented in online forums. High sensitivity is neither a silver bullet nor some sort of sixth sense. Highly sensitive people haven’t traveled from another galaxy, nor are they necessarily gifted. It is not a psychological disorder, but a neutral temperamental trait that can help to explain many things, but not all things. It is also very important to differentiate high sensitivity from a temporary psychological sensitivity during stressful life events or a short-term period of feeling thin-skinned after, for instance, suffering trauma or during a period of depression or anxiety. High sensitivity is not a temporary state, but a constant trait that you are born with and will carry with you for the whole of your life.