Tom Falkenstein - The Highly Sensitive Man

For the sake of our quality of life, our happiness, and our psychological health, it is very important that we are able to recognize whether we are highly sensitive or not. This is the question that we will be addressing in the next chapter, while tackling the typical characteristics and difficulties that highly sensitive men have to deal with in daily life.

Darryl: “For me, the positive aspects of my high sensitivity outweigh the negatives; the advantages and disadvantages are two sides of the same coin.”

Darryl is in his early thirties. He is a musician and is training to be a masseur. His story illustrates how high sensitivity and the characteristics connected to it can be assets. He’s found that aspects of his temperament are useful in his work as both a musician and masseur. And he actively seeks ways to accommodate his temperament; I like that he is seeking out other musicians to play with onstage rather than allowing his stage fright to force him offstage completely. In the interview, Daryl mentions a diagnosis of “social phobia,” and it is important to mention here that there is a difference between high sensitivity and social phobia, because the latter is a psychological disorder, not a temperamental trait (see chapter 4). Social phobia is a distinct fear of being the center of attention in social situations and is accompanied by symptoms of anxiety, avoidant behavior, and distress. This is not necessarily the case with high sensitivity. Of course, it is possible for highly sensitive people to pick up and react more strongly to subtle social stimuli or develop social anxiety more rapidly in the face of negative social experiences than less sensitive individuals. It is also possible to be both highly sensitive and also socially anxious.

When and how did you first notice you were highly sensitive?

In 2008, my cognitive behavioral psychotherapist—who I was seeing about my social anxiety—pointed out that I might be highly sensitive. I believe that my high sensitivity contributed to the development of my social anxiety, but only in interaction with some unpleasant external influences from my childhood. I then read a few books about the subject and was immediately convinced that my therapist was right, because I saw myself in so many of the highly sensitive characteristics described, which I hadn’t previously had any explanation for and which didn’t seem to be completely explained by social phobia.

What are the advantages and the disadvantages of being highly sensitive?

For me, the positive aspects of my high sensitivity outweigh the negatives; the advantages and disadvantages are two sides of the same coin. The “advantages” for me are my rich inner life, my strong fantasies and creativity, my feel for aesthetic things, and the ability to be on my own without feeling bored. I’d also say that I have a very clear sense of justice, that I’m very empathetic, thorough, and conscientious. The “disadvantages” are that I get quickly overstimulated, I’m a perfectionist, I tend to doubt myself and be very self-critical, and I’m sometimes quite hesitant and not very spontaneous. It can also sometimes be a problem that I need time out, to protect myself from too much stimulation, and that I often feel emotionally overwhelmed.

Looking back, what sort of messages or feedback would have been helpful to you?

“If you’re different from other people, that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you; it means you’re special.”

“Always listen to what your body and your intuition are trying to tell you and stick with that.”

“Your sensitivity is really important for society as a whole. You can do a lot of good.”

“The particular way you see the world is an asset.”

“Feelings are never right or wrong; (we can just deal with them well or less well).”

“It’s completely fine if you’re shy, quiet, or withdrawn.”

What are the particular challenges that highly sensitive men face in our society?

I think as a highly sensitive man I have traits that might be seen as “feminine” and other traits that would be seen as “masculine.” Sometimes I’m quite reserved, quiet, and need harmony in my life. I think a lot about my emotional life, practice yoga and meditation, and am interested in spiritual things. I react sensitively to physical violence or shocking images in, for instance, films. I’m also not very interested in cars or technical things, and my physical build is quite slim. At the same time, I also have lots of “manly” characteristics and preferences, like football and drinking beer. I like to exhaust myself physically and can also be dominant and strong-willed. Generally, my sense is that many women, but also men, actually really value this mixture of “feminine” and “masculine” characteristics.

How does your high sensitivity affect your relationships with other men?

I have as many male friends as female friends and don’t see many differences in those relationships. In terms of my relationships with men, it could be a disadvantage that I have a strong need for harmony, have difficulties setting boundaries, and am not interested in competition among men. However, one advantage in the way I relate to other men is that I often pick up on things that they don’t notice about themselves, like particular feelings. For instance, my brother and my father—they both have a real flair for analytical thinking, but I would say that they find it hard to access their feelings, like anger or sadness. I feel like I’m sometimes able to help them by acting like a kind of “emotional mirror.” At the same time, I do think I have to be really careful with them and make sure I’m “speaking their language,” because I think I’ve been addressing my feelings in a far more direct way for a lot longer, including with two therapists. I’ve noticed that men who are comfortable with themselves and with their masculinity don’t have any problems with my high sensitivity and, in fact, are able to value it. On the other hand, men who have problems with their self-worth, if, for instance, they don’t acknowledge the shy or introverted sides of their personality, tend to demean highly sensitive characteristics in other men. I’ve experienced that myself regularly, also with women.

How does your high sensitivity affect your relationships with women?

I am often reserved and cautious when it comes to approaching new people and need a lot of time to open up. When it comes to talking to attractive women, to flirting and initiating intimacy, I’m often very hesitant and tense. In my experience, highly sensitive and shy men have a far harder time when it comes to all of that, because in our society it’s sadly still the case that people expect men to make the first move, to “bowl women over,” and to actively initiate sex. Because of that, I’m still quite unhappy with my sex life. But the moment that I’ve got past that first stage, then everything’s great, and I’m sure that my high sensitivity plays a role in that. I can have very intense, deep conversations with women about feelings, about spiritual topics and about relationships, and I find it easy to put myself in my partner’s shoes. I also experience sex with a woman very intensely.

What are the advantages and the disadvantages of being highly sensitive at work?

I recently started the training to become a masseur. My high sensitivity helps me to intuitively notice things about my clients. I’m very perceptive when I work and often need to process that, usually by taking a little break between clients. As a musician, my high sensitivity really helps my creative process: intuition, empathy, a feel for aesthetics and details, but also for the bigger picture, conscientiousness, and the ability to really immerse myself in my art. At the same time, my precision can also quickly turn into perfectionism. If I have to be the center of attention, have to present myself and sell myself (whether online or onstage), then I feel very inhibited and often get very nervous, especially if I have to stand on the stage on my own and sing. Because of this, I haven’t performed very much, which has held me back professionally. I’m currently looking for other musicians to play with me to help me deal with that.