Katy Colins - Destination Chile

‘Georgia. Are you sure you’re okay?’

‘Positive! We need to celebrate! Ha ha, look at you two. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine. More than fine,’ I babbled, rummaging through my handbag for my purse. Where the hell was it? For fuck’s sake.

‘Georgia,’ Marie said firmly, placing a hand on the arm that was desperately tearing through my bag. ‘Just chill out a moment.’

‘I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be? I mean, look at you all blossoming and yummy mummy and then look at Shel going to live thousands of miles away and then look at me and…and…’ It was too late. The tears were falling as the enormity of the situation hit me. I was losing my two best friends to real life when I still wasn’t sure of the direction mine was heading.

‘Aww, hon, come here.’ Shelley tried to put her arm round me but I shrugged it off and roughly wiped my eyes.

‘I’m fine. Fine. Honestly. Although have we got any more wine?’ I said, a little softer. ‘I’m just being silly.’

‘You’re clearly not fine.’ Marie shook her head. ‘There might be a bottle in the drinks cupboard in the kitchen. I’ve no idea how long it’s been there as I’ve not had nice booze in the house since being pregnant.’

I glanced at the almost empty wine bottle we’d brought with us. ‘Oh, okay. Well then, who fancies one of Georgia’s special cocktails?’ I asked, jumping to my feet. Neither of them joined in.

Soon I was back in the lounge holding a glass of Georgia’s Special Cocktail that I’d rustled up in super quick time, which was basically a concoction of the dregs of a Baileys bottle and some green alcoholic syrup I’d found in the back of Marie’s cupboard. It was the best of what was available, you know the stuff you accumulate over the years after parties, for recipes, or over the festive season but never get through – as who the hell ever finds themselves craving a glass of Advocaat? But I didn’t care. Judging by the time those bottles had been in that dusty drinks cupboard, the alcohol must have tripled in strength, as it was strooooonnnggg and exactly what I needed.

‘You’re both missing out!’ I said taking a long gulp. It did not taste good. ‘So, Australia, wow, tell me all !’ I managed, wanting to make conversation and purposefully ignoring their sceptical faces that I clearly wasn’t as fine as I was insisting that I was.

‘Well, I was originally just going to head there myself and Jimmy would join me when he could, but then we thought, well why not just go together. I’ve already handed my notice in and Jimmy is winding down his contracts as we get things sorted.’

‘Ben will be crushed,’ I breathed. Jimmy had been his best friend for years. It wasn’t just me who was losing out. ‘When is he telling him?’

Shelley ran her finger over the rim of her now empty wine glass. ‘He’s already told him.’

‘Wait – Ben knows and didn’t think to tell me?!’ Well this news had just got a whole lot shittier.

‘I think Jimmy asked Ben not to tell you until I’d had the chance to speak with you. I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else.’ Her cheeks had flushed as she spoke. Marie shifted in her seat. I wasn’t sure if it was the baby pressing against her bladder or this uncomfortable atmosphere.

‘Oh. Right.’ We weren’t celebrating. We should be commiserating the end of an era. ‘Well, at least it shows Ben is good at keeping secrets, ha!’ A bark of fake laughter escaped.

‘All men have some secrets, just like us women. The point is that as long as they don’t hurt each other then it’s okay. I mean, you do love Ben, don’t you?’ Marie asked out of the blue.

‘What is love?’ I asked stretching my arms out and sloshing some of my special cocktail on the sofa cushion. ‘Baby, don’t hurt me!’ I finished Haddaway’s 90s’ song lyrics with a dramatic flourish and cracked myself up.

‘You do need to speak to him about it all though, babe,’ Marie said, ignoring the signs that my cocktail was kicking in.

‘I know, just not right now,’ I muttered sticking my tongue as far as it would go into my glass.

My best friend was soon to give life to another human being, my other best friend was starting a new life down under with her doting boyfriend, whereas mine was currently on a date with his stunning ex-girlfriend. Plus, he knew Shelley’s Australian bombshell and hadn’t prewarned me. But then again I’d found the ring he was going to propose to me with, so why did this matter? Even in my happiest moments, when I knew I had achieved and experienced things not a lot of people would do in a lifetime, I would still feel those crushing dark thoughts tap at my mind that I was missing out on what others had. That I had been left behind in some way. I always thought that – if things had previously gone to plan – by now I would have had a baby with Alex, that we would have celebrated our wedding anniversary and maybe even added an en-suite bathroom to our house.

When he’d called it off I’d been faced with an alternative to what I guess is the ‘pre-packaged’ idea of how you are supposed to live your life with the husband, children and mortgage. My life was now focused on growing my business, getting to see the world, building a future with Ben and doing the things that made me happy. I fluctuated between feeling unsure that I wanted to follow the traditional path, as it hurt me so much last time, yet eager not to miss out on what deep down I desperately wanted – a loving husband, a healthy child and a place to call home. I guess settling down doesn’t mean you have to settle. I felt an excitable tickle in my stomach when I thought about the upcoming proposal from Ben and how honoured I would feel at him getting down on one knee. So then why was I suddenly so unsure? And how could he be on a date with his ex if he was about to ask me to marry him? What was he playing at? It was all so confusing, and my strong cocktail wasn’t helping me think straight.

Once I’d drank all the booze, including two more special Georgia cocktails, and decided it would be hilarious to use Marie’s birthing ball as a prop in my version of Miley Cyrus’s Wrecking Ball video, it was time to call it a night. Shelley was meeting Jimmy at his gym once he’d finished his late night class so I left Marie’s in a fug of hugs and cocktail breath, and ordered an Uber to take me home.

‘All right, love? Good night?’ The shaven-headed, plump driver asked as I slipped into the back of his Corsa.

‘No. Not really. I’ve just found out that my best friend is moving ten thousand miles away and my other friend knew and didn’t warn me. Plus, my boyfriend has been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend on the sly and I drank some nasty cocktails and now have heartburn to go with my heartache.’

‘Oh.’ He drew in a breath and sucked his teeth; he turned down the radio station he’d been listening to. ‘That’s going to hurt.’

Realising that I had an impartial and sympathetic listener I then proceeded to tell him everything that had happened over the past few hours in drunken, inane detail. By the time he pulled up at my flat I felt like that old woman from Titanic who’d taken a four-hour film to explain one life event.

‘And that is why, even with all this going on,’ I slurred, waving my hand into thin air and whacking my wrist into his headrest by accident. ‘Even with this, I’m still going to be fine. Fine.’

He flashed me a look of relief as I stumbled out of his car. I eventually made it inside my flat after struggling to get my key in my front door and turn the handle at the same time. But when I realised Ben wasn’t home yet, I felt a heavy weight press on my shoulders.