Catherine Miller - All That Is Left Of Us

‘Can I have my notebook?’

Crap. Today was going so well. She didn’t want to be the one to break the news that she’d forgotten it.

‘Can I have my notepad? We’re going to go through my checks.’

Dawn closed her eyes briefly, dizziness washing over her for a nanosecond. ‘I don’t have it. Sorry, Archie, my brain wasn’t in gear when we left.’ In the years they’d been coming here, Dawn hadn’t ever forgotten the notepad because doing so would be tantamount to treason. Archie would likely disown her for such disorganisation regarding a ritual that was sacrosanct. This weekly activity was Archie’s lifeblood, and what would happen if he didn’t have his notes from the previous week’s activities? Well, they were about to find out.

Dawn was psyching herself up for screaming and shouting. She expected a tantrum so spectacular that every passer-by would stare and wonder why she wasn’t able to control her child. When that didn’t happen, it took a second for her to register the fact that Archie was turning on his heel and running away from her.

‘Archie?’ As much as she didn’t feel able to, she found herself picking up her pace in an effort to follow him. If Archie ran away and she couldn’t find him, she didn’t know what she would do. He had friends who did it regularly, causing their mothers no end of heartache and worry. It was a habit she hoped he never picked up. ‘Archie, I can’t run. Stay here. We’ll buy you a new notepad. It’ll be okay.’ She was already breathless when she’d barely broken into a jog.

‘I’ll be at the meerkats,’ Archie shouted back.

Thank goodness for that. At least he didn’t have plans to run off in some unknown direction. Dawn stopped and got her breath back. God, she knew she’d been a bit of a slob while she’d been the life support to another human being, but surely not to the point where the slightest physical exertion was enough to ground her.

When she found the energy to put one foot in front of the other, she reached the meerkat enclosure and tried not to panic when she didn’t spot her son. ‘Archie? Where are you?’ The area was fairly empty so it was okay for her to sound like an irrational, panicky mother. If the past week was anything to go by, it was getting close to the truth.

Dawn started to wind her way around the circular pen. It was a hidden corner within the zoo so didn’t get as busy as the enclosures on the main route. There weren’t many places her son could hide. Inside the pen were some branches and a bank, which were a regular lookout spot for the meerkats, and they were enough to camouflage a section on the opposite side. But the further round she went, more of the blind spot became visible, with no sign of her son. ‘Archie,’ she shouted with a definite edge of fear.

‘I’m here, Mum.’

The small voice came from behind Dawn and she turned quicker than was appropriate when feeling as delicate as she was. She wanted to drag him to her bosom and tell him never to run off like that again. But more than likely that would cause the meltdown they’d so far avoided, and he’d not really run off when he was at the location he’d told her he would be.

‘Everything okay?’ Dawn asked because he was inside the keeper’s area – the small cabin where everything the meerkats needed was prepared.

‘Yes. I told Joel that you’d forgotten my notes, but I knew it would be okay because he photocopied them last week.’ Archie and Joel came out and joined her.

‘Oh, phew, that’s good.’ Dawn was struck by the man standing next to her son. She’d been so preoccupied last time they met she’d not paid him much attention. Along with his dreadlocks, he had a dark tan which, with his khaki shirt and shorts, made him look every inch the part of Crocodile Dundee, only without a reptile that needed wrestling in sight.

‘Archie’s being a great help with me learning about the different family members.’

‘So, you’re new?’ Dawn wanted to sit down now she knew he was safe.

‘New to the meerkats. We swap the animals we work with every six months. Part of a learning programme at the zoo. Means we get to work with all the different animals we want to. Meerkats fascinate me.’

No wonder Archie had warmed to him. ‘Do you have a notepad Archie can use?’ Dawn didn’t mean to be cheeky, but if it would save her traipsing to the gift shop she was willing to ask.

‘We’ve already sorted one and we’re about to start the checks. Are you happy for me to go through them with Archie? It’s really helping me.’

‘Elspeth and Evelyn are really hard. Joel can’t tell them apart yet.’

‘As long as it is helpful for you?’ Joel’s dreadlocked hair was tied back and his dark tan made him look like he spent every possible hour out in the sunshine. She didn’t want Archie hindering his working day, especially if he was saying it just to be polite.

‘It really is. And the next time this family have babies, I’m banning any names beginning with E. Talk about making it difficult.’ Joel winked.

Dawn laughed despite herself. She was glad it wasn’t just her that found it confusing. Ever since Elvis had become the alpha male, the zoo had named every offspring with names beginning with E. And the names were too similar sounding to distinguish at times. ‘I’m going to go and sit down if that’s okay?’ She needed to sit or she would fall.

‘Mum’s just had a baby,’ Archie chipped in. ‘She was a surrogate.’

‘Wow. You really should take a seat then.’

Joel and Archie escorted her to the bench where she normally sat and in a very small way it was like a piece of equilibrium being restored.

‘Are you okay, Mum?’

Dawn was feeling out of sorts, but she guessed that was to be expected when she was rushing round a zoo covering some considerable square meterage only a few days after a baby had been plucked from her womb. ‘I just need a rest, sweetheart. I think we’ll have to skip our walk today. Probably best seeing as we’re here later than usual.’

‘I’m going to do the checks now,’ Archie said.

‘Thanks,’ Dawn said to Joel as he followed her son. It was nice that someone was embracing his obsession with meerkats. She’d not met anyone yet who was able to match his knowledge on them and he hadn’t spoken to the last keeper after he’d answered some questions wrong. So this was an improvement. A big one.

When Dawn fumbled in her handbag, she found she’d also forgotten her sketchpad. Great. That was all she needed. Being left with her own thoughts was not a good idea at the moment. She selected a Hall’s Soother instead. She didn’t have a cold, but it was the best offering in a normally useful handbag and she figured the sugar might do her some good. Plus, they normally took twenty minutes to work and if she concentrated on the throat sweet she might not get round to noticing the emptiness within. But trying to numb her tongue wasn’t enough to numb any other part of her, and as yet another mum trundled past her with a baby wrapped in a sling, Dawn wasn’t able to ignore the hurt. The sense that she should also have a babe in her arms was gnawing away at her to an extent she’d never thought would be possible. After Archie she’d never been broody. Those early days of bringing up a fussy baby by herself had been enough to put away any thoughts of doing it again into another lifetime. Her lack of maternal instincts had been part of the reason she’d been so willing to be a surrogate. Not wanting to do it all again meant it would be easy to hand the baby over. But it seemed to have opened up dormant emotions and here she was with swollen breasts threatening to lactate.

Dawn was so busy staring longingly after the mother and baby she didn’t notice Joel heading back to the bench.