Catherine Miller - All That Is Left Of Us

Archie sat on the edge of her bed, something he’d not done for a long time. It was always Dawn on the edge of his bed, sleeping on the floor next to him, seeing him through the night terrors that plagued him at times.

‘It’s okay, Mum, you don’t need to be sad.’ Archie tapped her knee, which was snuggled underneath the duvet.

The small gesture was enough to let her emotions bubble over, but this was Archie. She was his mum. He needed to come before whatever it was she was feeling at this moment. And she didn’t want him to worry about her, which he would if she put on another show like last night. ‘I just have a lot of hormones floating around my body and they’re not doing me much good at the moment.’

‘Can you give them to Rebekah? Would she like them?’

Dawn’s lip curled. It was the closest she’d got to a smile since saying goodbye to the baby. Archie’s ideas always provided obvious solutions; sadly, it was never that simple. ‘I’m sure she would really appreciate them, but Mummy can’t transfer them to her. They haven’t invented that yet.’

‘They should. It would be like giving blood and they could collect them in a bag. Then, after getting it from you, they would put it into Auntie Rebekah and she could have the hormones as well as the baby.’

Dawn actually smiled. A real smile created by her clever son. ‘It would certainly help. Do you think you could invent that process once you’ve left school?’

‘Can we go to the zoo first? I want to show you something.’ Archie got up. ‘Be ready in ten minutes or I’m sending Norman in.’

The threat was enough to set Dawn into action. Dawn hated spiders, but had conceded to having Norman in the house as he was proving therapeutic for her son. He liked taking care of the arachnoid, which was good, because Dawn wouldn’t want to. It was a compromise because a meerkat family was his top choice and, in their two-bedroom flat, there clearly wasn’t enough space, plus she was pretty sure it would be illegal. So they visited the meerkats at the zoo and Norman kept Archie entertained for the rest of the week.

‘It’s twenty-one minutes past ten, Mum,’ Archie informed Dawn once they were in the car. ‘We’ve never been this late.’

‘I know, sweetie. I’m sure your friends won’t mind.’ The meerkats were Archie’s friends. He had more social attachments to animals than he did any human.

‘But I told Joel I get there every Saturday when the zoo opens. What if he’s waiting for me?’

‘Who is Joel?’ Dawn was pretty familiar with all the meerkats’ names, but she was pretty sure none of them were called Joel.

‘The keeper. Remember, Mum, you met him last time you were there.’

‘Of course. How could I forget?’ It wasn’t like a lot had happened lately. ‘Did he say he would wait for you?’

‘He said see you next week, so he knows I’ll be there.’

‘I don’t think he’ll mind if we arrive later than we usually do. We’ve got a pretty good excuse.’ They were less than five minutes away now and Dawn hoped Archie wouldn’t freak out at any point. It had been a while since he had, but she knew only too well that upsetting his routine was a contributor to setting him off and, if that happened, she would only have herself to blame.

She should have thought about this part of the process more and put more support in for the days following giving birth. It was a shame David and Rebekah were her main source of help. Their father had passed away when they were in their teens and their mother, who’d never dealt with his death particularly well, had upped and moved to Spain. These days they were lucky if they got their annual visit. It was Jane who was being her rock and maybe she’d have to call on her more than she’d thought she would.

For some reason she’d imagined this part as easy. She didn’t have a baby to care for, so there was nothing to interrupt the course of her life other than some mild discomfort and a waistline that would need getting back in shape. Of course it wasn’t that simple and it was only in the aftermath that she was able to see she should have been more prepared.

For now, she just had to hope they survived the trip to the zoo. Because surely the best way to adjust was to keep going and carry on as normal. As for David and Rebekah, they’d all agreed that for the first couple of weeks, while David was on paternity leave, it would be appropriate for Dawn to leave them to let the bonding process take place. When they’d agree on that it had made sense, but now it felt odd to not be seeing them as she usually would.

It was strange not to be involved at this early stage. David had been her rock when Archie was born. He’d made sure she ate when she’d not been able to put Archie down. He would take Archie out for a walk when she’d not slept a wink all night. They’d been so young, but unlike the rest of the family, he’d not turned his back on her by moving to another country. She was certain she wouldn’t have got through that period of time without his help. Which is why it felt alien to not be offering her support at this point in time, when getting to grips with the baby would be tough going. But then, she supposed giving birth for them kind of made up for it.

The official arrangement was that, a couple of weeks after the baby’s arrival, the newly formed family would come over to the flat for a Sunday roast. By that point Dawn should have recovered and Rebekah would have bonded with baby. It sounded like a sane enough plan and Dawn was looking forward to meeting her nephew without feeling like he was her son.

‘Come on, Mum.’ Archie started running towards the entrance as soon as they arrived.

‘Slow down. I can’t run today. You’ll have to walk.’ Dawn was really regretting not asking Jane to come along as well. In her memory, she recalled recovering pretty quickly from Archie’s birth, and while she’d not had a rough time of it this time round, running around after an enthusiastic ten-year-old had not been on the recovery agenda last time.

Fortunately, Archie did slow down. It was only recently he seemed to be paying more attention to what she was saying and the timing couldn’t be better. It was possible her baby boy was turning into a young man and, if he was going through a good phase, she needed to enjoy it as only God knew what the teenage years would be like. And it was a positive thing to think that soon it would be the summer holidays and she would have the time to spend with him.

‘Do you think Joel will still be there?’ Archie asked once they were through the entrance.

‘I don’t know. He’ll have lots of things to do today. He might have gone to look after some of the other animals.’

‘Oh.’

‘We’ll know soon enough.’ They were on the path that led to the meerkat enclosure.

‘Can I go and see?’

It was a straight path. Archie wouldn’t go out of sight so Dawn nodded agreement. ‘I’ll be there in a minute. Mum can’t do any rushing today.’

Dawn watched him run off and continued meandering along. She seemed to be going at a slower pace than when she’d been waddling on her last visit. It was like her muscles weren’t willing to play ball yet and were eager for some extra time off. She would have to get in touch with Jane. She’d help her out with Archie and provide her with some evening company. There was a chance she might say ‘I told you so’ over the recovery being harder than Dawn had envisaged, but best friends were allowed to point out when you’d been wrong.

Lost in her troubles, Archie nearly knocked her over when he doubled back at such a speed he’d have knocked skittles over. ‘Joel is here.’

‘Gosh. Well, that’s good.’ Dawn wasn’t sure why Archie was so excited, but it really was nice to see those kinds of emotions coming out in him.