Catherine Miller - All That Is Left Of Us

‘Dawn needs a rest. As would you if you were a few weeks off giving birth. Time to go for a coffee.’ Rebekah got up to link her arm round David’s waist.

‘But what am I going to do with this lot?’ David said, clearly distressed at the thought of having to abandon his trolley and start again.

‘Don’t stop on my account. You two carry on and I’ll give you a ring when I’ve recovered and can come meet you again.’ Dawn was hoping for some respite as well as rest. And the chance to eat something that wasn’t nutritionally balanced. She wasn’t sure she would be able to chomp into a chocolate muffin with the same vigour if prying eyes were judging the diet she was feeding their child. Not that they would judge like that; it was just sometimes the pressure of growing someone else’s kid made her worry more than she had with her own pregnancy.

‘If you’re sure?’ Rebekah said, giving Dawn the look of concern she received with every ache or pain she mentioned.

‘Absolutely. In fact, I’ll just go to the restaurant upstairs. Hardly any walking involved that way and when you’ve finished your list you can come and join me.’

The lift was just a short stroll away and Dawn offered the couple a wave as she got in, knowing they were waiting to check she was okay.

It was beginning to feel a tad claustrophobic. Not in the lift, the lift was fine, but the responsibility of these final days. The three of them had lost the easy rapport that existed between them with the pressure this pregnancy had brought.

Dawn was hoping to spend this next couple of weeks blubbing at Jeremy Kyle episodes (because her hormones were ensuring she cried at the silliest of things) and doing a few things around the flat with Archie not about. This was going to be the first time since she’d started working at the school that she’d been off, but not because she was sick, so she could justify fixing the curtain pole and spring cleaning all of Archie’s toys without him realising she’d moved them.

So far, she’d got nothing done other than helping Rebekah and David prepare for Junior. It wasn’t that she minded, but there was a point at which she needed to be able to walk away. Her responsibilities towards this child had to end, so being involved with the process of selecting every item required for their early months wasn’t helping her situation.

Decaf tea and a slice of lemon drizzle cake with her feet up helped ease her worries marginally. This might not be her son or daughter, but it was her niece or nephew. She was only providing the level of advice she would if it were Rebekah carrying the baby to full-term. It was just the hormones making her concerns swish about like the cocktail she was craving.

Dawn’s phone rang from inside her handbag. No doubt another question. What brand of steriliser should they go for, or perhaps a pushchair was throwing them into a dilemma over whether they owned the right car?

It wasn’t a number Dawn recognised and, for a moment, she panicked about Jane having issues with Archie. ‘Hello?’

‘Hi, is that Dawn? It’s Caitlin.’

Of course it was Caitlin. How come Dawn’s scatty, hormone-filled brain hadn’t recognised the number she’d tapped into the phone less than an hour before? Perhaps for some reason it was because she’d only expected a text in response and now here they were talking to each other. ‘Hi. I just wanted to find out how you are?’ Despite wanting to brush this reunion under the carpet, she wanted to know what had happened after the drama at their antenatal class.

‘We’re fine. Thank you for asking. I’m so glad you got in touch. Have you popped yet?’

‘No, not yet. So, did everything go okay?’ Dawn forked a piece of lemon cake into her mouth, too hungry to wait.

‘Yes, they ended up doing a C-section after Buddy started showing signs of distress, but once he was out everything was fine.’

Dawn heard Caitlin yawn down the phone. ‘Tiring start, then?’ No doubt that was the understatement of the week.

‘You’ll be in the same situation soon. These sleepless nights mean you won’t be able to put together a coherent sentence for a while, let alone anything else.’

‘I know.’ She didn’t want to talk about Archie or Junior or anything else. She only wanted to know if Caitlin was okay.

‘That’s why we need to get together and have a catch-up. I thought we could get together next Saturday if you haven’t popped by then. How about it?’

Dawn stopped fingering the crumbs off her plate. ‘We’re busy on Saturday. We always go to the zoo.’ She said it automatically. It was their usual routine and Archie needed the structure their week provided.

‘Great. That would be the perfect place to meet up. I was looking into getting an annual pass as some of my friends mentioned it would be well worth the money while I’m on maternity leave. I might as well get one and that can be our regular hangout.’

Regular hangout. There would be no mother and baby gatherings in Dawn’s future and she needed to explain why. She just wasn’t sure how.

‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now. Not until after I’ve had the baby.’

‘Well, in that case, contact me once you’ve given birth. We’ll organise something then.’

With any luck, Caitlin would forget about any idea of a happy reunion and she wouldn’t ever have to.

When the phone call was over, and with David and Rebekah nowhere in sight, Dawn decided the only thing for it was a second slice of cake. It would help rid her of the sense of dread filling her stomach. Telling Caitlin she was a surrogate would be simple. It was clearing up the past that would be problematic.

Chapter 4

The following Saturday, like most others, was a tranquil sea of calm. Dawn relished them. Because Archie was so desperate to go to the zoo, he always behaved impeccably over breakfast. He was up and dressed and raring to go with none of the school-day struggles.

She’d wondered whether she would make it to today, but Junior was showing no signs of shifting. The week had seen her achieve at least two tasks from her things to do list and Rebekah and David had been too busy installing everything they’d purchased to hassle her too much other than the daily question of: Any sign of Junior yet?

It meant today was as calm as it could be. As soon as they got there they both took up residence in their usual spots. Archie, with his notepad, sat cross-legged on the ground and, even though it looked uncomfortable, he wouldn’t move from that spot for the next hour. The bench she parked her oversized derriere on couldn’t be much more comfortable than the ground, not that she’d tried sitting like Archie. If she did she would never get up. If her memory served her right, this bench had always been this hard against her bum. Or it could be the fact she had two-fifths of a baby’s head engaged in her pelvis, whatever that meant. When she’d been pregnant with Archie she was still in shock and too young to understand some of the medical talk. This time she was paying more attention, but it still baffled her.

Dawn tilted her pelvis back attempting to get more comfortable, but not really succeeding. She really did need to start bringing some cushions for both of them. Taking her sketchpad from her handbag, she tried to relax.

When they’d first come here and started doing this, Dawn would try to join in and help Archie. He liked to do a headcount of all the meerkat family to check they were all okay and, as the weeks went on, he was able to pick out each of the members individually whereas she was unable to tell the difference. Every meerkat looked the same to her. So when Dawn mistook Geoffrey for Elvis the upset made her realise this was Archie’s thing. Something for him just to appreciate and adore at a level she would be hard-pushed to follow.