Radhika Sanghani - Not That Easy

I barged into Emma’s room in my purple dressing gown patterned with white stars. ‘Ems, I need help.’ She was lying in bed resting her head on Sergio’s tanned, hairless torso. ‘Oh crap, I should have knocked, sorry. I didn’t know you were here, Serge.’

‘It’s fine, come in,’ he said and patted the duvet. I walked over and sat down with them.

‘I don’t know what to do about JT,’ I moaned.

‘How many messages has it been now?’ asked Emma without moving her head off Serge’s hot bod. This was not helping my self-esteem. ‘Twelve?’

‘Fourteen. Surely that’s a bit excessive now?’

‘Why can’t you ask him out?’ asked Sergio.

‘But … won’t he think I’m desperate? What about the game?’

Emma scrunched up her face. ‘I don’t know. I think the whole point of online dating is that it evens out the playing field. Like, obviously it’s so sexist that society says men have to ask out women, but it is kind of ingrained. When a woman asks out a man in real life he’s like, she’s either desperate or a slut. But online … well, it’s kind of the norm, isn’t it?’

‘Huh, maybe,’ I said, as Sergio started covering Emma’s face in tiny kisses.

‘I didn’t think you were desperate or a slut when you wrote your number on that receipt,’ he said.

I rolled my eyes at them. ‘Can you get a room already?’ He raised his eyebrows and gestured at Emma’s purple fairy lights, leopard print and fur. ‘You know what I mean,’ I said. ‘Anyway, Emma, do you really think it’s more acceptable for a girl to ask out a guy online?’

‘Yeah,’ she cried. ‘It’s way more equal on there. In fact, I think women actually have more power than men on online dating sites. Because girls will get more messages than the guys and then when a guy does get a message, there’s more of a chance he’ll reply. Girls have more choice.’

I nodded slowly. ‘That makes sense. But what if he rejects me?’

‘Who cares? He hasn’t even met you—you’re just pixels. It’s like when Oxford University rejected my UCAS application before even meeting me. You can’t get upset because they don’t even know who you are. They’re just rejecting a piece of paper, or a bunch of words on a website in your case.’

‘Yeah, you’re so right,’ I said. ‘You know what? I feel way more empowered. Thanks, Em. I don’t give a shit if JT rejects me any more. My personality comes through in person not pixels. I bet he’d never turn down a one-night stand with me IRL, so who cares if he does online?’

‘What’s this IRL?’ asked Sergio.

‘In real life,’ replied Emma and I automatically.

‘Anyway, you can get back to having sex now,’ I announced, as I walked out of the room. ‘I’m off to ask out a man.’

I sat in the living room staring blindly at the TV. JT still hadn’t replied. The message I’d sent kept flashing up in my head:

So I was wondering if maybe we should meet in person? How about a drink?

It had been, like, two hours and he still hadn’t replied. I’d managed to fuck it up with a guy without even meeting him. I was seriously doomed.

‘Hey, El, how’s it going?’

Ollie walked into the room and sat on the sofa next to me. I quickly pulled my leggings down so he wouldn’t see my unshaven legs. ‘Oh fine,’ I said. ‘Only, I just messaged a guy online and he hasn’t replied. Such is my life.’

‘Oh yeah? You know, I can’t believe you’re doing online dating.’

‘What, why not?’ I asked, feeling semi-offended.

‘I just wouldn’t have thought you’d need to.’

Was that … a compliment? ‘Oh really? That’s so nice.’

‘Well, you’re twenty-two. I would have thought that’s a bit, like, young.’

‘It is not too young,’ I cried. ‘Hello, we live in the Tinder world. This is just what everyone does. How else are you meant to meet someone?’

‘Yeah, but Tinder seems more legit. Why didn’t you just do that?’

‘Because it still feels like a sex app and I like the idea of knowing someone’s basic details and thoughts before meeting them.’

‘So you’re not looking for sex?’ He grinned, showing his little dimples.

I blushed. ‘Well, I mean, I am. But I’d rather do it after a date, and not just in the loo of a bar.’

‘Don’t. You’re making me nostalgic for my single days.’

‘You had sex in a loo?’

‘A girl went down on me outside the uni student union once. Pre-Yomi, obviously.’

‘Jesus,’ I said, trying to ignore the fact that I was suddenly seriously envious of this blow job girl.

‘I know. It was fucking fun.’

‘Sounds it. So, Yomi straightened you out, then?’

He grinned at me and I tried to not stare into his eyes. ‘I’ve still got my dirty side.’

I laughed. ‘Ew, you sound so pervy.’

‘I try. So, who’s this guy who isn’t replying to you?’

‘Ah, he’s called JT. Seems normal, hot and interesting. We’ve been messaging, but then I asked him out and he didn’t reply.’

‘You asked him out?’

‘Should I not have? Is that weird? Oh God.’

‘No, calm down. I think it’s really cool. I don’t think there are many girls who would do that. In fact, I’d be fucking thrilled if a girl asked me out.’

‘Really?’ He nodded and looked into my eyes. Oh Christ. I really had to stop fancying my flatmate who had a GIRLFRIEND. ‘I don’t think Yomi would be,’ I said, bringing the conversation back to the perfect doctor.

‘Fair point. But she doesn’t like a lot of what I do, so …’

Did this mean there was trouble in paradise? ‘Really? What kind of stuff?’ I asked.

‘She doesn’t really like my mates from home, which kind of bothers me. It’s because most of them didn’t go to uni, and I guess she finds them hard to relate to. But they’re all really good guys. And she works so hard she’s rarely up for going out. I know she’s under a lot of pressure with her finals, but it’s just difficult, you know?’

I nodded, trying to pretend I was au fait with relationship problems. ‘Yeah, that sounds difficult. It’s why I don’t want a boyfriend right now—I can’t handle the compromises.’

‘Ha, I know what you mean. We’re too young to stop being selfish.’

‘Exactly.’ I grinned. ‘Maybe Yomi needs to remember to be younger.’

‘Yeah, maybe. Hey, do you mind if I change the channel? Tottenham are playing.’

‘Go for it. I, um, need to do something upstairs anyway.’

‘Cool. See you later.’

I went up to my room with my heart fluttering. He was so insanely attractive, and if he and Yomi broke up, then Caesar would be answering all of my prayers. But in the meantime, he’d still given me an idea. I’d been so wrapped up in my profile that I’d forgotten I was competing with hundreds, nay thousands , of attractive single women online.

I needed to check out the competition. I went to OKCupid.com, logged out of my profile and clicked ‘create profile’. Select gender: male.

I quickly made a basic profile (Tim201) and started searching. I wanted women aged twenty to twenty-nine. The list came up and my mouth dropped open in surprise. These profiles were nothing like my modest-but-flirty attempt. All these girls looked like part-time models, porn stars or Abercrombie & Fitch employees. I was doomed. Utterly doomed.

I clicked on Ange_xx. Her doe-eyed pose won me over immediately and I was semi-seduced by her pouting selfies. Oh God. Why would JT_ldn want to date me if there were girls like Ange_xx out there? I was officially fucked.

I scrolled back to my own profile and stared at the pictures in misery. They all looked like me. This was not going to work. Wasn’t the whole point of online dating to make yourself look better than you really do? I needed to slut up my pics. ASAP.