Jim Smith - Future Ratboy and the Invasion of the Nom Noms

That’s one of the keel things about Floaty Note 6000s. They’re not just floating shopping lists – they know the way to the shops, and loads of other things too.

‘I’m protecting my hooter from that horrible little insect!’ said Splorg, who’d slotted his empty cup over the end of his nose. ‘Mmm, carpet flavour lemonade – smells even better than it tastes!’

Twoface thought for a second, then pulled a plastic ray-gun-shaped water pistol out of his pocket. ‘Hey, I’ve just had the keelest idea!’ he said.

He emptied the rest of his drink into a little hole in the top of the ray gun and slotted his empty cup on to the end of one of his noses.

He looked over at my cup and grinned. ‘Don’t mind if I borrow this do you, Ratboy?’ he said, snatching my avocado and felt-tip pen flavour soda and pouring the last gulp’s worth down a passing drain (drains move around in the future, in case you didn’t know).

‘Hey, I was enjoying that!’ I said, kicking Twoface up the bum as he slotted the cup over the end of his other nose.

Jamjar pushed her big round glasses up her nose and rolled her eyes at us all.

‘Ooh look, it’s Dr Smell!’ she said, waving down the street at Dr Smell, who was sweeping the bit of pavement in front of his perfume shop.

Dr Smell’s perfume shop is where Bunny buys her favourite perfume, ‘Stonk’.

‘Hello Dr Smell!’ said Jamjar, and Dr Smell waggled his arms around, swatting the end of his nose.

‘That’s a weird way to wave,’ said Twoface, squirting his ray gun into his mouth. ‘Mmm, walnut and pavement flavour chocolate milk, my favourite!’ he grinned.

I Future-Ratboy-zoomed my eyes in on Dr Smell and gasped.

‘Dr Smell isn’t waving – he’s trying to swat one of those insecty things away from his nose!’ I said.

Splorg stared at the insect, which was blue this time and even bitier-looking than the one before. ‘ANOTHER NOM NOM? IT’S AN INVASION!’ he screamed, running off and hiding behind a bollard.

‘NOT!’ screeched Not Bird, following him like a Floaty Note 6000, except brown and circle-shaped and more furry.

Twoface pointed his ray gun in the direction of the insect. ‘Stand back, Dr Smell!’ he shouted. ‘Take THIS, you naughty little NOM NOM!’

A jet of walnut and pavement flavour chocolate milk squirted past Dr Smell’s ear at the exact same second the Nom Nom sunk its teeth into the tip of his nose.

screamed Dr Smell.

‘NOM NOM!’ growled the Nom Nom, and before you could say a word that takes about three seconds to say, it’d pulled its teeth back out of Dr Smell’s nose and buzzed off.

‘Nice shot, Twoface!’ I laughed, as Jamjar ran up to Dr Smell.

‘Are you all right, Dr Smell?’ she said, peering at two tiny little bite marks just above his nostrils.

‘I-I think so, Jamjar,’ stuttered Dr Smell, dabbing his nose with a hanky. ‘Not very lucky with this thing, am I?’ he said, pointing at his hooter, and I rewound my brain to a few weeks earlier, when his nose had been chopped off and stolen by the evil Mr X.

Here are some factoids about Mr X:

1. He is the evilest man in Shnozville.

2. He stomps around town inside a giant metal scorpion, zapping stuff with its tail.

3. He zapped the wheelie bin that transported me here from the past, and now it’s disappeared, which means I might never get back home.

‘Any luck finding your bin, Future Ratboy?’ asked Dr Smell, stuffing his hanky back into his pocket, and I stared at the bite marks above his nostrils, thinking how they looked a bit like eyebrows. If his nostrils had been eyeholes. And the bite marks had been hairy.

‘No, we haven’t been able to find it at all,’ I said sadly, imagining my mum and dad and little sister sitting on the sofa at home, wondering where I was.

Twoface kicked me up the bum, but in a nice way, and Jamjar pulled a turquoise plastic triangle out of her jacket pocket. She tapped it with one of her loads of fingers.

‘I’ve been trying to locate Ratboy’s bin with my Triangulator,’ she said, looking down at the triangle. ‘It seems Mr X’s lasers discombobulated the bin’s internal metrics. I reset the Triangulator’s homing modules, but even that didn’t do the trick!’

‘I see . . .’ said Dr Smell, his eyes staring blankly in front of him like he was watching TV, and the Floaty Note 6000 did a little cough to remind us about Bunny’s shopping.

‘Anywaaay . . .’ said Twoface, squirting another splurt of walnut and pavement flavour chocolate milk into his mouth. ‘I’d love to stand around here all day talking about bins, but we’ve got hand care products to buy.’

‘Of course, don’t let me stop you having your fun!’ said Dr Smell, disappearing into his perfume shop, and we headed off down the street.

I peered up at the sky, careful not to look at the suns. ‘Still can’t believe there are two suns here in the future!’ I said, and Twoface rolled his eyes because he still can’t believe that I still can’t believe there are two suns.