Jim Smith - Future Ratboy and the Invasion of the Nom Noms

‘Ooh, it’s ever so useful!’ said Bunny, patting Jamjar on the head.

The shopping list wafted over to Twoface’s two faces, and he squinted his four eyes, trying to read what was on it.

‘What kind of boring old shopping list is that?’ said Twoface.

Bunny held all her fingers up and gave them a waggle. ‘You’d be surprised how quickly that stuff runs out when you’ve got ten hands, Twoface!’ she chuckled.

She took another sip of Hedgehog Cola and peered back out the window at Shnozville High Street. ‘Where IS everyone? It’s been quiet in here all morning.’

A car floated past while a dog did a hover-poo on the pavement. ‘I don’t know what’s going on,’ she said. ‘Nobody seems to want a Cheesebleurgher Meal Deal today . . .’

‘Apart from us, Bunny!’ I said to make her feel better. I took a sip on my avocado and felt-tip pen flavour soda, and the two little television aerials that’ve been sticking out of my head ever since I got zapped into the future did a wiggle.

The little black-and-white TV on my stomach started to fuzz and crackle, and Splorg peered at the screen.

‘YOINKS! What’s that weird-looking flying thing on your telly belly, Ratboy?’ said Splorg, and I looked down at my stomach.

A hairy pointy-toothed insecty rectangle about half the size of Not Bird was flying straight towards the screen, as if it was about to burst out of my belly.

‘Looks like something’s up!’ said Bunny, and I nodded, doing my superhero face, because whenever something flashes up on my telly belly, it means there’s trouble.

All of a sudden, a bitey-looking insecty rectangle exackeely the same size as the one on my telly belly flew straight through the door of Bunny Deli.

‘Hairy flying thing!’ blurted Splorg, who’s scared of hairy flying things. ‘Argh! Keep it away from me!’ He jumped out of his chair and ran into the little bathroom at the back of Bunny Deli. ‘Has it gone yet?’ he whimpered from behind the door.

The insect, which was pink and had a long curly nose, buzzed towards Jamjar’s nostrils and opened its mouth. ‘NOM NOM!’ it growled.

‘Arrrgh! Shoo, you annoying little beast!’ said Jamjar, waggling her five arms in the air. ‘Stop trying to bite my nose!’ She picked up a zigzaggedy chip and waved it like a sword.

The chip bonked the insect on the head and it twirled round, darting in the direction of Not Bird’s beak.

‘NOT!’ growled Not Bird, doing his scariest face, and the insect changed its mind, did a loop the loop and headed for the ratty full-stop blob on the end of MY nose.

‘Waaah, not my full-stop nose-blob!’ I cried, half trying to make everyone laugh, half a tiny bit scared the insect was about to bite it off.

The insect landed on the blob and opened its mouth, the way something does when it’s about to bite someone’s nose off.

I shouted in my superhero voice, flicking the insect, and it flew through the air and landed splat in the middle of Twoface’s four eyes.

The insect shook its head and blinked, looking like it was working out which one of Twoface’s two noses to bite first. ‘NOM NOM!’ it cackled, scuttling down towards the nostrils of the left one.

‘Get off me you stupid little hairy pink rectangle!’ growled Twoface, trying to sound like he wasn’t scared.

‘Ooh, what a lot of fuss and bother!’ chuckled Bunny, walking back over to our table, still holding the cup of Hedgehog Cola.

The insect paused, its jaws wide open. Its eyes swivelled round to look at Bunny, and its long curly nose did a sniff. ‘NOM NOM?’ it squeaked, leaping off Twoface’s left nose and flying out of Bunny Deli.

Twoface patted his hood-wings down and breathed a sigh of relief. ‘See – nothing to worry about!’ he said.

‘H-how did you do that, Bunny?’ said Splorg, poking his gigantic bald blue head round the bathroom door.

‘Maybe he didn’t like my perfume!’ chuckled Bunny. ‘Now, about that shopping list,’ she said, and she nodded at the Floaty Note 6000.

‘What in the name of unkeelness are you doing with your cup, Splorg?’ said Twoface, slurping on his drink.

It was ten minutes later and we were walking down Shnozville High Street, following the Floaty Note 6000 to get Bunny’s bits.