Jim Smith - Barry Loser and the birthday billions

‘Hmmm, not sure I can Barry,’ said my dad, peering into the SHNOZINATOR 9000. His face peered back up at him, reflected in the pool of wee.

‘Can we take it back to Feeko’s then?’ I said. ‘We could swap it for one that hasn’t got wee all in it!’

My dad looked at me the way I look at my best friend Bunky when I feel sorry for how tiny his brain is.

‘I don’t think Feeko’s takes back SHNOZINATOR 9000s that’ve been weed into, Barry,’ he said.

I stood still for a trillisecond as I tried to work out what to do.

Desmond was sitting on the sofa watching the telly with a grin on his face. Lying on the carpet was his cuddly Clowny Wowny, also doing a grin.

My brain cells started to boil like a kettle.

I walked over to Clowny Wowny and trod on its stupid belly. Then I bent down, grabbed its head and gave it a tug.

Here is a fact about cuddly Clowny Wownys you might not know: their heads rip off much easier than you’d think.

‘Waaahhh!’ screamed Desmond Loser the Second as I dropped Clowny Wowny’s head into my SHNOZINATOR 9000 full of wee and stomped upstairs to bed.

(of chapter)

‘Barry Garry Larry Loser, what DO you think you are doing?’ said my mum, swinging my bedroom door open.

‘I’m having a bday nap,’ I said.

‘Don’t act clever with me, young man. I mean downstairs,’ said my mum, her eyebrows tilting into their angry positions.

‘Ooh, now let me think,’ I said. ‘I believe I was ripping Clowny Wowny’s head off and dunking it in his owner’s wee.’

Saying it out loud like that made me sound like a bit of a weirdo. I grabbed a pillow and squodged it over my head, wishing it was a SHNOZINATOR 9000 that’d zap me straight to Shnozville.

‘I know you’re upset about your Shnozi-whatsitcalled, but that doesn’t mean you can go around breaking other people’s things!’ shouted my mum.

‘But he broke my thing first!’ I screamed.

‘I don’t care,’ said my mum, grabbing my arm and marching me down the stairs again. ‘Desmond’s a baby – he doesn’t know what he’s doing. You’re a big boy, Barry – you should know better!’

‘It’s my birthday! I don’t HAVE to know better!’ I cried. ‘Can we go to Feeko’s, Mum? Pleeease can we get me another SHNOZINATOR 9000?’

‘We most certainly cannot – I’m not made of money, you know!’ said my mum. ‘Now apologise to your little brother.’

‘Sorry I ripped Clowny Wowny’s head off, even though you weed into my SHNOZINATOR 9000,’ I grumbled.

Desmond, who’d comperleeterly forgotten about Clowny Wowny, remembered Clowny Wowny and started to scream again.

‘And you’ll be sewing that head back on as soon as it comes out of the washing machine!’ my mum said to me.

‘Ooh, what a brillikeels bday I’m having!’ I said, flomping down on the sofa.

My dad did one of his funny faces to try and make me laugh.

‘Why don’t you play with your other presents?’ he said, stuffing one of Desmond’s nappies into my SHNOZINATOR 9000 to soak up the wee.

‘Oh what, like my boring old Wolf Tizzler book?’ I mumbled. My mum looked sad for a billisecond, and I felt a bit bad.

‘You could at least have a look,’ she said. ‘Wolf Tizzler’s a very clever young man – you might learn something!’

‘Oh I’m SOsorry your loserish, big-nosed son isn’t all perfect like your darling Wolf Tizzler!’ I cried.

‘Don’t be silly Barry, you know you’ll always be my number one Snookyflumps!’ cooed my mum. ‘Anyway, it’s not like your Shnozi-whatsit’s working so you may as well give it a go.’

She passed me the book and plodded off into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. ‘Stupid rectangular cuboid,’ I said, opening it up and starting to read.

And to my surpriseypoos it immedikeely gave me one of my brilliant and amazekeel ideas.

‘Happy birthkeels to you!’ sang my best friends Bunky and Nancy Verkenwerken two hours, eighteen minutes and thirty-six seconds later, when I opened the front door and saw them standing there.

‘Did you get a SHNOZINATOR 9000?’ grinned Bunky. ‘Is it the keelest thing in the whole wide world amen? Why aren’t you wearing it right now? If I had a SHNOZINATOR 9000 I’d put it on and never take it off again for the rest of my life!’

I took a deep breath and opened my mouth.

‘Desmond Loser the Second used it as a potty so I ripped Clowny Wowny’s head off and dunked it in the wee,’ I said. ‘I just sewed his head back on. Back to front.’

Nancy and Bunky gasped.

‘I am SO sorry, Barry,’ said Bunky, leaning forwards and giving me a hug, which was weird. I don’t think Bunky’s ever given me a hug before.