Lisa Heathfield - Flight of a Starling

‘I will. I promise.’

‘I’m not happy about leaving you for the night,’ Ma says.

‘I’m fine, Ma,’ Rita tells her. ‘I’m just going to sleep.’

‘You’re only next door, Ma,’ I remind her.

‘Don’t keep her chatting all night, Lo. She needs to rest.’ Even at her most stern, Ma’s face is still beautiful.

‘I’ll be quiet as a mouse,’ I laugh.

‘OK,’ she says, tucking Rita’s curl gentle behind her ear. ‘You sure?’

‘Night, Ma,’ Rita says, hugging her and pushing her out of the door, closing it so that it’s only us.

‘Ash was worried,’ I tell Rita, as she pulls her bandaged arm through the sleeve of her top.

‘Was he?’

‘Of course he was. He’s good through and through, your Ash,’ I say.

‘ My Ash?’

‘You know he is, Rita.’

And she replies with only a smile.

RITA

We moved on yesterday, so my arm has had a day to recover, but Ma still brought my breakfast to Terini this morning. I don’t go to Mada until lunchtime and now they flit around me, making me sit at the table and not letting me help at all.

‘My arm’s not that bad,’ I say. ‘I’d like to do something at least.’ It doesn’t feel right sat here watching Ma and Lo do all the work.

‘Make the most of it,’ Ma smiles at me, as she puts a plate of Russian cutlets in front of me.

‘It makes a nice change to see you sitting down,’ Grands says. He’s in his armchair as he likes, his tray of scran balanced on his lap. It’s only been a year since Rita and I moved into our own van, to make space for Grands in here, but now I can’t imagine him anywhere else.

‘It’s a strange town, this one,’ I say.

‘Why?’ Ma asks, as she pours gravy from the pan into the jug.

‘It’s just got a funny feel to it,’ I say. Lo puts her plate next to Da and he moves up to make room.

‘We’ve only been here a day,’ Ma says. ‘You’ve hardly seen it.’ She wipes at the edge of her mouth with the napkin. A bit of her lipstick sticks to the material.

‘It’s just strange,’ I say. ‘And there’s not much of a view, either.’ Sometimes we’re next to fields and hills, but now the window by the sink looks on to the wall at the edge of the park.

‘Not like the pitch near Haworth,’ Da says. ‘Do you remember those sunsets across the moors, Liz?’

Ma screws up her face. ‘With those wild horses that stuck their noses through our windows?’ She’s already done her hair, even though it’s early, some dark curls trapped in a knot, the rest falling by her neck.

‘We should’ve kept one,’ I say.

‘They’re meant to be free,’ Lo says. She balances a pea on the side of her plate and flicks it at me. But I’m too quick and catch it in my fingers.

‘Too slow, Bozo,’ I laugh. She picks up two more, but Da clamps his hand over hers.

‘Don’t waste food, Lo.’

‘It’s only two peas, Da.’ But she’s laughing as she throws them into her mouth, smiling widely so that I can see them held squashed between her teeth.

‘Nice,’ I say.

‘Like your mangled arm,’ she says.

‘Lo.’ Ma’s not smiling any more.

‘It’s not mangled,’ I say. ‘Look, it moves and everything.’ I bend it crooked at the elbow, then stretch it out to wiggle my fingers.

‘I think that Rob is pushing you too far,’ Grands says, laying his knife and fork neatly on his plate.

‘He knows what he’s doing,’ I say.

‘Does he?’ Grands asks. Although it was before Rob’s time, memories of Gran Margaret whisper around us, her accident never far from Grands’ eyes.

‘Nothing bad will happen to us,’ I tell him. ‘Rob cares about us too much to put us in real danger.’ Lo told me how he paced up and down last night, his thoughts filled with me.

‘Are you definitely all right to perform?’ Lo asks, serious now. Blame isn’t a word we use in our circus, but deep inside her I can tell that guilt still flickers.

‘Course,’ I say. ‘Besides, it’s only set-up today.’

‘You’re not to do any heavy lifting,’ Da tells me.

‘I’d better look after her then,’ Lo tries, but Da just clips her gently round the head.

‘You, Miss Lolita, will have to work twice as hard.’

LO

With set-up finally finished, Rita and I go to find the barrel fire. Rob is already there in the darkness sitting on his stool, Spider on the carved log next to him. Sarah sits cross-legged on the grass, watching as Ash throws some wood in and pokes at the flames with a stick.

‘I’m just saying, he shouldn’t have done it,’ Rob says.

‘Who’s done what?’ I ask, unhooking Rita’s arm from mine. Rob moves up for us and we sit next to him on the stretch of log by the warm.

‘You don’t need to know,’ Spider says.

‘I don’t need to, but I want to,’ I say, yet his silence is the only answer I get.

The dark edges of the park sit behind us, watching the back of my jacket sewn with a dragon’s head, its fire-breath winding up my sleeve.

Tips of orange burn out of the barrel as Ash sits down.

‘When you going to be my bride, Rita?’ he asks as he does every time.

‘Never,’ she replies.

I laugh. ‘You will, Rites.’

Rob chuckles and spits at his feet.

‘Are you coming to see the town with us?’ Spider asks him.

‘I’ll leave you younger ones to enjoy it alone tonight,’ Rob says.

‘You’re not much older,’ Rita tells him, tipping her head slightly as she looks at him. When Rob joined us, I couldn’t tell his age. He slipped between us and our parents and I know he’s really settled somewhere in between.

‘Ready to go?’ Ash asks, his eyes only for Rita.

‘Maybe,’ she says, although she knows she will. We have to explore. If we didn’t, I tell her, our souls will shrivel up and die.

‘Should you go out with your arm still bad?’ Rob asks her.

‘It’s loads better already,’ she says, giving him a smile to wash away his guilt.

‘Can I come?’ Sarah asks, wide-eyed in the flame light.

‘You shouldn’t even still be awake.’ Ash ruffles his sister’s hair and she ducks away from him, making it neat again.

‘It won’t be long before you join us,’ I tell her.

‘And you’re not exactly missing much,’ Rita adds.

‘Don’t be late back,’ Rob says, leaning forwards with his elbows on his knees. The fire-shine catches on one cheek, the other in shadow. ‘It’ll be an early start.’ He picks up a leaf and starts slowly shredding it, dropping each section to the ground when he’s done.

‘We won’t be,’ Rita says.

I stretch my legs out in front of me, my arms straight to the solid black sky. The warm from the fire touches the line of my bare belly, between my top and my jeans.

‘It’s endless up there,’ I say, as my bracelets clink down on each other. They sound like stars falling.

‘We should get going then,’ Ash says. He stands up and puts his hands out towards Rita. She lets him pull her to her feet, but won’t keep her fire-warmed palm in his.

‘Sure you don’t want to come?’ Spider asks Rob.

‘I’m staying here,’ he says, still staring into the flames.

‘Suit yourself,’ I say, grabbing Spider’s hand to pull myself up. ‘See you later.’

We walk across the darkening grass, Rita linking her arm through mine. Two boys cut close nearby on bikes, caps low on their heads. They stare at us for too long and I wonder if our circus blood somehow sits on the outside of our skin. Spider starts to walk more quickly, so we stay with him and Ash until we’re by the road and we follow the way the few cars are headed as they thread through the night.