Jim Smith - Barry Loser and the Case of the Crumpled Carton

Sharonella’s been in a bad mood with Anton ever since he did a front page exclusive in The Daily Poo saying she might be the Phantom Air-Freshener Thief.

The Phantom Air-Freshener Thief is this mysterious person who’s been going round all the toilets in Mogden School stealing the plug-in air-fresheners.

‘Fanks a lot for saying I was the Phantom Air-Freshener Thief, Anton,’ screeched Sharonella. ‘As if I’d want to steal a stupid air-freshener!’ she scoffed, her perfume wafting up my nostrils. ‘I’ll get you back for this, Mildew!’ she screeched, stomping off again just as Bunky bounded over, zipping up his flies.

‘What in the unkeelness is going on here?’ he yapped, and I realised he hadn’t heard the news.

‘Get ready to not believe your ears,’ I said, and I started to tell him everything that had just happened, which was pret-ty boring for everyone else, seeing as they already knew.

After that I had to sit through a whole day at school, while all the Feeko’s in Mogden were selling out of Tears of Granny Laughter. Then it was home time, apart from the fact I wasn’t going home.

‘Where in the unkeelness are we going?’ shouted Bunky, speed-walking behind me as I skateboarded through the gates, towards Mogden High Street. Nancy was running behind him, her hair swishing like a cat’s tail.

‘Feeko’s, of course!’ I panted. ‘To get some Tears of Granny Laughter before Gordon buys them all!’

I carried on skateboarding for another three and three-thirds of a minute, until we got to Feeko’s. The doors whooshed open and I zigzagged down the aisles, straight to the Soft Drinks section. I skidded to a stop next to a cardboard cut-out of Irene from the Tears of Granny Laughter advert and grinned my grin I grin when I’m about to buy a carton of the keelest drink ever. Then I spotted Gordon Smugly.

‘Afternoon, Barold,’ drawled Gordon, reaching out to grab a Tears of Granny Laughter, and I gasped. I was gasping because the shelf was COMPERLEETERLY EMPTY apart from that carton.

‘Oh dear, what a shame. None for little Barold!’ he smiled, grabbing the carton and holding it up like he was in an advert for Tears of Granny Laughter.

The carton was Beryl flavour, which everyone knows is the tastiest Tears of Granny Laughter flavour, seeing as Beryl is the least ugly out of the three grannies in the advert.

‘NOOOOO!’ I wailed, just as a skinny man in a Feeko’s uniform popped his head around the aisle.

‘Hello, my name’s Mike. Let me see if I can find you another carton of Tears of Granny Laughter today!’ chuckled the man, whose name tag said Mike, plus he’d just said his name was Mike, so I spose his name was Mike.

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