William Shakespeare - The Complete Works of William Shakespeare

This is he.

DULL. Signior Arm—Arm—commends you. There’s villainy abroad: this letter will tell you more.

COSTARD.

Sir, the contempts thereof are as touching me.

KING.

A letter from the magnificent Armado.

BEROWNE.

How long soever the matter, I hope in God for high words.

LONGAVILLE.

A high hope for a low heaven: God grant us patience!

BEROWNE.

To hear, or forbear laughing?

LONGAVILLE. To hear meekly, sir, and to laugh moderately; or, to forbear both.

BEROWNE. Well, sir, be it as the style shall give us cause to climb in the merriness.

COSTARD.

The matter is to me, sir, as concerning Jaquenetta.

The manner of it is, I was taken with the manner.

BEROWNE.

In what manner?

COSTARD. In manner and form following, sir; all those three: I was seen with her in the manor-house, sitting with her upon the form, and taken following her into the park; which, put together, is in manner and form following. Now, sir, for the manner,—it is the manner of a man to speak to a woman, for the form,—in some form.

BEROWNE.

For the following, sir?

COSTARD.

As it shall follow in my correction; and God defend the right!

KING.

Will you hear this letter with attention?

BEROWNE.

As we would hear an oracle.

COSTARD.

Such is the simplicity of man to hearken after the flesh.

KING.

‘Great deputy, the welkin’s vicegerent and sole dominator of

Navarre, my soul’s earth’s god and body’s fostering patron,’

COSTARD.

Not a word of Costard yet.

KING.

‘So it is,’—

COSTARD. It may be so; but if he say it is so, he is, in telling true, but so.—

KING.

Peace!

COSTARD.

Be to me, and every man that dares not fight!

KING.

No words!

COSTARD.

Of other men’s secrets, I beseech you.

KING. ‘So it is, besieged with sable-coloured melancholy, I did commend the black-oppressing humour to the most wholesome physic of thy health-giving air; and, as I am a gentleman, betook myself to walk. The time when? About the sixth hour; when beasts most graze, birds best peck, and men sit down to that nourishment which is called supper: so much for the time when. Now for the ground which; which, I mean, I upon; it is ycleped thy park. Then for the place where; where, I mean, I did encounter that obscene and most preposterous event, that draweth from my snow-white pen the ebon-coloured ink which here thou viewest, beholdest, surveyest, or seest. But to the place where, it standeth north-north-east and by east from the west corner of thy curious-knotted garden: there did I see that low-spirited swain, that base minnow of thy mirth,’— COSTARD.

Me.

KING. ‘that unlettered small-knowing soul,’—

COSTARD.

Me.

KING. ‘that shallow vassal,’—

COSTARD.

Still me.—

KING. ‘which, as I remember, hight Costard,’—

COSTARD.

O me.

KING. ‘sorted and consorted, contrary to thy established proclaimed edict and continent canon, with—with,—O! with but with this I passion to say wherewith,’—

COSTARD.

With a wench.

KING. ‘with a child of our grandmother Eve, a female; or, for thy more sweet understanding, a woman. Him, I,—as my ever-esteemed duty pricks me on,—have sent to thee, to receive the meed of punishment, by thy sweet Grace’s officer, Antony Dull, a man of good repute, carriage, bearing, and estimation.’

DULL.

Me, an’t please you; I am Antony Dull.

KING. ‘For Jaquenetta,—so is the weaker vessel called, which I apprehended with the aforesaid swain,—I keep her as a vessel of thy law’s fury; and shall, at the least of thy sweet notice, bring her to trial. Thine, in all compliments of devoted and heartburning heat of duty, DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO.’

BEROWNE. This is not so well as I looked for, but the best that ever I heard.

KING.

Ay, the best for the worst. But, sirrah, what say you to this?

COSTARD.

Sir, I confess the wench.

KING.

Did you hear the proclamation?

COSTARD. I do confess much of the hearing it, but little of the marking of it.

KING. It was proclaimed a year’s imprisonment to be taken with a wench.

COSTARD.

I was taken with none, sir: I was taken with a damosel.

KING.

Well, it was proclaimed ‘damosel’.

COSTARD.

This was no damosel neither, sir; she was a ‘virgin’.

KING.

It is so varied too; for it was proclaimed ‘virgin’.

COSTARD.

If it were, I deny her virginity: I was taken with a maid.

KING.

This maid not serve your turn, sir.

COSTARD.

This maid will serve my turn, sir.

KING. Sir, I will pronounce your sentence: you shall fast a week with bran and water.

COSTARD.

I had rather pray a month with mutton and porridge.

KING.

And Don Armado shall be your keeper.

My Lord Berowne, see him delivered o’er:

And go we, lords, to put in practice that

Which each to other hath so strongly sworn.

[Exeunt KING, LONGAVILLE, and DUMAIN.]

BEROWNE.

I’ll lay my head to any good man’s hat

These oaths and laws will prove an idle scorn.

Sirrah, come on.

COSTARD. I suffer for the truth, sir: for true it is I was taken with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a true girl; and therefore welcome the sour cup of prosperity! Affliction may one day smile again; and till then, sit thee down, sorrow!

[Exeunt.]

SCENE II. The park.

[Enter ARMADO and MOTH.]

ARMADO. Boy, what sign is it when a man of great spirit grows melancholy?

MOTH.

A great sign, sir, that he will look sad.

ARMADO.

Why, sadness is one and the selfsame thing, dear imp.

MOTH.

No, no; O Lord, sir, no.

ARMADO. How canst thou part sadness and melancholy, my tender juvenal?

MOTH.

By a familiar demonstration of the working, my tough senior.

ARMADO.

Why tough senior? Why tough senior?

MOTH.

Why tender juvenal? Why tender juvenal?

ARMADO. I spoke it, tender juvenal, as a congruent epitheton appertaining to thy young days, which we may nominate tender.

MOTH. And I, tough senior, as an appertinent title to your old time, which we may name tough.

ARMADO.

Pretty and apt.

MOTH. How mean you, sir? I pretty, and my saying apt? or I apt, and my saying pretty?

ARMADO.

Thou pretty, because little.

MOTH.

Little pretty, because little. Wherefore apt?

ARMADO.

And therefore apt, because quick.

MOTH.

Speak you this in my praise, master?

ARMADO.

In thy condign praise.

MOTH.

I will praise an eel with the same praise.

ARMADO.

What! That an eel is ingenious?

MOTH.

That an eel is quick.

ARMADO.

I do say thou art quick in answers: thou heat’st my blood.

MOTH.

I am answered, sir.

ARMADO.

I love not to be crossed.

MOTH.

[Aside] He speaks the mere contrary: crosses love not him.

ARMADO.

I have promised to study three years with the duke.

MOTH.

You may do it in an hour, sir.

ARMADO.

Impossible.

MOTH. How many is one thrice told? @@@@

ARMADO.

I am ill at reck’ning; it fitteth the spirit of a tapster.

MOTH.

You are a gentleman and a gamester, sir.

ARMADO.

I confess both: they are both the varnish of a complete man.

MOTH. Then I am sure you know how much the gross sum of deuce-ace amounts to.

ARMADO.

It doth amount to one more than two.

MOTH.

Which the base vulgar do call three.

ARMADO.

True.

MOTH. Why, sir, is this such a piece of study? Now here’s three studied ere ye’ll thrice wink; and how easy it is to put ‘years’ to the word ‘three,’ and study three years in two words, the dancing horse will tell you.