William Shakespeare - The Complete Works of William Shakespeare

[Exit.]

SIR TOBY.

Is ‘t possible?

FABIAN. If this were play’d upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.

SIR TOBY.

His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.

MARIA.

Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.

FABIAN.

Why, we shall make him mad indeed.

MARIA.

The house will be the quieter.

SIR TOBY. Come, we ‘ll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he ‘s mad: we may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him; at which time we will bring the device to the bar, and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see.

[Enter SIR ANDREW.]

FABIAN.

More matter for a May morning.

SIR ANDREW. Here ‘s the challenge, read it; I warrant there ‘s vinegar and pepper in ‘t.

FABIAN.

Is ‘t so saucy?

SIR ANDREW.

Ay, is ‘t, I warrant him; do but read.

SIR TOBY. Give me. [Reads] Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.

FABIAN.

Good and valiant.

SIR TOBY. [Reads] Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for ‘t.

FABIAN.

A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.

SIR TOBY.

[Reads] Thou com’st to the lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses

thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter

I challenge thee for.

FABIAN.

Very brief, and to exceeding good sense— less.

SIR TOBY. [Reads] I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me,—

FABIAN.

Good.

SIR TOBY.

[Reads.] Thou kill ‘st me like a rogue and a villain.

FABIAN.

Still you keep o’ th’ windy side of the law; good.

SIR TOBY.

[Reads] Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon one of our souls!

He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better, and so look

to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,

ANDREW AGUECHEEK.

If this letter move him not, his legs cannot; I’ll give ‘t him.

MARIA. You may have very fit occasion for ‘t; he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.

SIR TOBY. Go, Sir Andrew; scout me for him at the corner of the orchard, like a bum-baily. So soon as ever thou see’st him, draw; and as thou drawest, swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft, that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twang’d off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earn’d him. Away!

SIR ANDREW.

Nay, let me alone for swearing.

[Exit.]

SIR TOBY. Now will not I deliver his letter; for the behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth; he will find it comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. This will so fright them both, that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.

[Re-enter OLIVIA with VIOLA.]

FABIAN. Here he comes with your niece; give them way till he take leave, and presently after him.

SIR TOBY. I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY, FABIAN, and MARIA.]

OLIVIA.

I have said too much unto a heart of stone,

And laid mine honour too unchary out.

There ‘s something in me that reproves my fault;

But such a headstrong potent fault it is,

That it but mocks reproof.

VIOLA.

With the same haviour that your passion bears,

Goes on my master’s grief.

OLIVIA.

Here, wear this jewel for me, ‘t is my picture:

Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you:

And I beseech you come again tomorrow.

What shall you ask of me that I ‘ll deny,

That honour sav’d may upon asking give?

VIOLA.

Nothing but this,— your true love for my master.

OLIVIA.

How with mine honour may I give him that

Which I have given to you?

VIOLA.

I will acquit you.

OLIVIA.

Well, come again tomorrow; fare thee well.

A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.

[Exit.]

[Re-enter SIR TOBY and FABIAN.]

SIR TOBY.

Gentleman, God save thee!

VIOLA.

And you, sir.

SIR TOBY. That defence thou hast, betake thee to ‘t. Of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end. Dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation; for thy assailant is quick, skilful, and deadly.

VIOLA. You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to any man.

SIR TOBY. You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you. Therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill, and wrath can furnish man withal.

VIOLA.

I pray you, sir, what is he?

SIR TOBY. He is knight, dubb’d with unhatch’d rapier and on carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorc’d three; and his incensement at this moment is so implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give ‘t or take ‘t.

VIOLA. I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others, to taste their valour; belike this is a man of that quirk.

SIR TOBY. Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury. Therefore get you on and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him. Therefore on, or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you must, that ‘s certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.

VIOLA. This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my offence to him is; it is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.

SIR TOBY.

I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my

return.

[Exit.]

VIOLA.

Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?

FABIAN. I know the knight is incens’d against you, even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.

VIOLA.

I beseech you, what manner of man is he?

FABIAN. Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him, if I can.

VIOLA. I shall be much bound to you for ‘t. I am one that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight; I care not who knows so much of my mettle.

[Exeunt.]

[Re-enter SIR TOBY, with SIR ANDREW.]

SIR TOBY. Why, man, he’s a very devil; I have not seen such a firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard, and all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal motion that it is inevitable; and, on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.

SIR ANDREW.

Pox on ‘t, I’ll not meddle with him.

SIR TOBY. Ay, but he will not now be pacified; Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.