Ricardo E. Facci - Constructing conyugal love

7. Do we pray about our problems?

To pray together

Lord,

Thank you for our marriage

and also for the conflicts

that helped us to mature.

It would have been beautiful to have no problems,

but we are this way

flawed, selfish, sinful...

We have walked this far,

overcoming obstacles,

which has allowed us to come together more,

want each other more,

be better friends...

We ask you, Lord,

never abandon us,

always be at our side.

Thus, the three of us continue to grow,

destroying obstacles,

and so build every day the best 'we',

talking with you about

the solution to every problem.

Amen.

Conjugal dialogue

The dialogue is to love,

what blood is to the body.

As children we are taught to talk about things: of others, of the realities that surround us, gossip. Some received “teachings” from little on to yell, argue or to impose ideas. But, in reality, are we taught to dialogue?

We have been assimilating a misconception of what is dialogue. We believe that a good dialogue is to talk a lot. Conjugal dialogue is very demanding, requires depth, and is not a simple conversation. Many couples believe they have reached a good dialogue because they talk about things: of work, of “life is expensive”, of neighbors, of the television program, of the in-laws. It is clear that some of these themes should be discussed, but do not cross arms and assert that everything is accomplished in the area of matrimonial dialogue. Also remember that many speak, and very well, demanding to be heard. But they never listen.

Dialogue partners are permanently feeding the conjugal love. Make it grow and fortify it. How can one achieve a deep matrimonial dialogue? By talking about one's self, not others: “We”, transmitting our feelings to each other. By having a deep dialogue with your partner, communicating your intimate thoughts, sorrows, joys, desires and little things of life in common.

Stones, plants and animals constitute a world closed in on itself. Unlike them, we can open up, communicate to each other, penetrate into the other and be penetrated. The richness and wonders achieved in conjugal dialogue is not, then, the others’ or everyday details, but same couple, their inner wealth and their feelings.

The dialogue is a capability that Dios gave us as a road, whereby we are able to open our own interior to the other.

Someone said to me: We do not know what to dialogue. Is this so? Or are they so estranged that they have nothing in common? You can discuss many topics, but the fundamental is speaking of one's self, of what it feels like to be together or away for various reasons, the feelings that children produce, what you experience with a dislike or a joy, when the other says “I love you,” or to share the same bed.

Talk so love lives! Because dialog is for love, what blood is to the body.

To talk in couples

1. How do we see our dialogue?

2. What have we found negative in us that hinders the dialogue?

3. What have we found positive in us which helps to enhance our dialogue?

4. What can we do to improve conjugal dialogue?

To pray together

Lord,

you who are the word,

that being so you did little:

a man; to get close to you,

and so talk with us;

teach us to renounce

our pride,

not to be indifferent

to the request of the other,

to want to impose our ideas.

Lord,

Teach us to dialogue,

to talk about ourselves,

to open our hearts

to be totally with the other,

so our intimacies are as one.

Amen.

Know how to listen

Whoever has ears, let them hear

(Mt 13, 9).

This thought of Jesus, who wants to hear, will hear, said on several occasions, perfectly refers you to the domestic dialogue. What usually occurs is that in order to deepen the theme of the dialogue, many couples touch a very painful wound: the absence of a mature dialogue.

It is necessary to not get discouraged. It is possible to restart the dialogue. How? Sacrificing everything to reach mutual understanding. Recognizing that in each failure, make a true and deep examination of dialogue. But above all things, learning to listen, but listen loving.

He who wants to hear, will hear. It is clear that Jesus did not speak to deaf people, people with hearing problems, but that he addressed those who simply received the words, not letting them to penetrate to the heart. He who wants to hear with your heart, will hear.

Only he who actually opens his heart to the word of the other can listen loving. Dialogue, before talking, is to listen.

How can we hear lovingly?

• Having such a disposition that the other feels encouraged to continue transmitting from deep within.

• Wondering, as to motivate the interlocutor can deepen their interior.

• Evaluating if what is heard is accurate. In the appropriate moment it is necessary to perform a synthesis of what is heard and repeat it to the other, for an assessment, to be sure if what was received was what they wanted to convey.

• Avoiding judgment and defensiveness.

Listening is not just letting the words of the other person into our auditory system. It is to embrace the other person through their word. The ability to listen loving depends on how deep the desire is of being reached by the other. Listening requires openness.

It is necessary to know how to listen to achieve a deep dialogue. Anything is possible for those who love each other, especially work in reconstruction or the enhancement of dialogue. To start on this path, a real test is necessary to discover personal responsibility of each other, why the conjugal dialogue has not yet reached its true depth.

The ideal dialogue is not achieved:

• When talks go back permanently to the past, always restating the same arguments, the same topics.

• When one of the two constantly rejects the ideas of the other.

• When due to a lack of listening skills it is not discovered that both parts are expressing the same thing.

• When the coincidence of a point has the result of revenge times ten.

• When they stubbornly repeat the issues that divide, rather than highlight the ones that bind.

• When one prepares the answer, without listening to what the other is saying.

• When the horrible custom to disagree, interrupt and raise the tone persists.

• When only hurtful words are expressed and falsely interpreting the words of the other with minimal effort to agree.

• When you want to hold the most dubious propositions as fundamental truths.

• When you are being proud, superior and intolerant, and prefer to continue to live in contaminated cesspools instead of looking for sources of living crystalline water.

• When acknowledgements and gratitude are expected, and one receives only accusations.

• When the ideas that one is willing to defend to the death, the other combats with silliness.

When all this happens in a marriage, it builds a living hell, but very cold hell.

Building dialogue, “listening with love”, is to solidify the conjugal harmony.

To talk in couples

1. Are we willing to “listen with love”?

2. What feelings were produced in us while discussing this chapter?

To pray together

Lord,

How many lost the opportunity,

How many are still in darkness,

by not listening to your Word

with an open heart.

We don't want that in our marriage.

When the same thing happens,

each one is left in darkness,

by not growing the light,

by not getting to know each other better.

Lord,

We want to know each other more deeply,

through a dialogue guaranteed