Diego Uribe - New directions

Every piece is in its place but it seems that no one dares to make the first move. And I can't help but wonder if someone, someday, will make it... because I'm still stuck on this level, trapped, unable to move forward. “What if it doesn't work out?” I tell myself; that question won't let me rest. “But what if it did?”, it takes me some time to get to that conclusion and it comforts me enough to be able to sleep for awhile. I was wondering if all (or any) of this was just in my head or also in his, I was wondering if he had ever thought of me in that way. I wonder, in fact, if he has ever thought of me at all... Then the insomnia strikes back and with this comes a wave of questions to which I don't have any answers.

3 months went by, which means more or less 13 weeks, or actually 87 days until I saw him again. It was a Saturday, mid-October, and we had a talent show of sorts with all the freshman. Fran prepared this short cute-but-kind-of-nostalgic scene with Male (yes, you could team up with a partner from a different class.)

But before I tell you about that Saturday, let me go back a couple of days... Last Tuesday, Male was acting very excited at the institute, she hugged me when she arrived and she said she had something to tell me, adding suspense at the end by saying “You will not believe it.” She told me she had been rehearsing this scene with Fran and they had been talking about me; I didn't dare to ask why I had become the subject of their conversation all of a sudden. Without further details, Fran had told her that I seemed like a “nice guy” and that he would totally date someone like me. And even if he were to have a boyfriend, he would want his boyfriend to be someone with my personality (in other words). I don't know what Fran thought he knew about me in order to say such things or how he got that information from Male. My first and only reaction was to hug her real tight and say “Thanks”. I felt like crying but not precisely out of sadness, more likely because of overwhelming emotion that I held back and just smiled to Male, I didn't want to concern her. Over the next few days, something had changed within me. I must have had a stupid grin on my face all the time or something like that; everyone kept asking what had happened to me because I looked better than ever, not just my classmates but my teachers as well. I also made some improvements in classes: I accomplished things that I didn't before and discovered new ones that I didn't even know were in me. I was very motivated and optimistic.

On that Saturday in the talent show, Male and him were the first ones of the night to perform. Their scene almost made me cry; maybe not because of the scene itself... it had more to do with seeing two people that I cared a lot about at that moment, together, doing something really beautiful and special. Or maybe it was just because I had been so emotional during that whole week... I sang a song with two classmates that we had been rehearsing for more than a month, it went pretty well. By the end of the show, Fran gave me a hug when we met in the hallway.

“Hey, you were really good” he told me.

“Thanks. You too, I might have even cried a little...” I said being totally honest.

He laughed as if I had just said some kind of joke, but I was being totally serious. I guess he was just trying to break the ice.

“Are you going to the party hosted by the sophomores later?” he asked all of a sudden.

“Oh, I don't know. I think so...” I lied. I had no idea that the sophomores were having a party in the first place.

“Cool. See you there then” he said with a big smile on his face.

From there, I went to grab some dinner with Male because we were starving, and we had to kill some time until we had to go to the party anyway. In the end, Male told me she wouldn't go to the party, I don't know why, and I was so disappointed on her and I almost didn't go to the party but decided that I should go anyway, even if I had to go alone. Luckily, in the party I came across many of my classmates who I had no idea were coming; it's just that I didn't get the chance to talk to them after the talent show I guess... Male and I left so fast, she's always in a hurry. The party was in one of the sophomore girls' house, whose birthday was that same day, she had this empty room in the front of her house where the party took place. There were lots of people and the room ended up feeling rather small, or maybe it was just because there were too many people. Anyway, I was dancing in a big circle with my friends. The boys and girls from the other class were in another group next to us, Fran was with them. Then he came into our circle and started dancing in the middle. He came to me after that and danced with me. I think I blushed and got a little nervous, what was that supposed to mean? What was I supposed to do? I danced the best I could, but Fran had always been better in matter of dancing. Despite that, we had fun together and he made me laugh. He even whispered something in my ear but I couldn't quite get it, I just smelled the alcohol on his breath, a mixture of vodka and orange juice. I let him go so he could go back to his friends. I kept dancing for a while and then I went for a drink in order to make my night less boring. I came back to where my friends were dancing and Fran was... No, wait, that was not Fran. Fran? Where was Fran? No, that could not be him. Hair dark as the night, white T-shirt, and checkered scarf of many colors. Yes, it was him... Kissing a girl? No, how could that be possible? I thought I was having hallucinations, or maybe the alcohol had hit me too fast although I had just had a few sips, one or the other, but no... I was seeing things clearly. Fran kissing a girl? What did I miss? Did I get everything wrong? Wasn't he... like me? Wasn't he gay? I tried to hide the anger and confusion that had invaded me out of nowhere, went to the front part of the room and sat at a high table. I sat there alone with my cup to drown my sorrows in alcohol, I tried to get things straight, tried to understand what had just happened, and tried to calm down. Alan, one of my classmates, showed up at my table almost instantly.

“What's up with you?” he asked. I noticed certain concernment in his voice.

“Isn't it obvious?” I replied kind of angrily.

I had nothing against him, it was more like something against the whole world in general. Or maybe it was just something against myself.

“No. What am I missing?” he asked as he sat in the empty chair in front of me.

“The fact that I like Fran...” I said, kind of ashamed.

All of a sudden, I felt like the stupidest person in the world given this recent discovery. Liking Fran seemed like some pathetic, lame idea resonating inside my head. What was I thinking?

“Oh, I get it” said Alan, taking it in all at once. “But I think they were just fooling around...”

“It looked pretty real to me” I barked.

“Well, I think he drank too much anyway.”

“Yeah, I can see that.”

“Ok, look. Don't be mad, don't let it get to you” Alan started saying as he took my hand. “Come on, dance with us” he said, inviting me.

“You go. I'll be there in a sec” I replied, still a bit discouraged.

Alan was gay, you could clearly see that. The gesture of holding my hand took me by surprise and made me a little uncomfortable, but I don't think he intended anything else, it must have been something completely normal to him.

I stood there looking at the bubbles from the beer in my cup. I thought Alan had gone already but his presence was bothering me because I wanted to be left alone and I could still see his shadow over the table.