A to Z Classics - Complete Works Of Oscar Wilde (Best Navigation) (A to Z Classics)

algernon

[ Looking round .] To what young lady? Good heavens! Gwendolen!

cecily

Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.

algernon

[ Laughing .] Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?

cecily

Thank you. [ Presenting her cheek to be kissed .] You may. [ Algernon kisses her .]

·108· gwendolen

I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.

cecily

[ Breaking away from Algernon .] Algernon Moncrieff! Oh! [ The two girls move towards each other and put their arms round each other’s waists as if for protection .]

cecily

Are you called Algernon?

algernon

I cannot deny it.

cecily

Oh!

gwendolen

Is your name really John?

jack

[ Standing rather proudly .] I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been John for years.

·109· cecily

[ To Gwendolen .] A gross deception has been practised on both of us.

gwendolen

My poor wounded Cecily!

cecily

My sweet wronged Gwendolen!

gwendolen

[ Slowly and seriously .] You will call me sister, will you not? [ They embrace. Jack and Algernon groan and walk up and down .]

cecily

[ Rather brightly .] There is just one question I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian.

gwendolen

An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother Ernest? We are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present.

jack

[ Slowly and hesitatingly .] Gwendolen—Cecily·110·—it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind. However I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one in the future.

cecily

[ Surprised .] No brother at all?

jack

[ Cheerily .] None!

gwendolen

[ Severely .] Had you never a brother of any kind?

jack

[ Pleasantly .] Never. Not even of any kind.

gwendolen

I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged to be married to anyone.

cecily

It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in. Is it?

·111· gwendolen

Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come after us there.

cecily

No, men are so cowardly, aren’t they?

[ They retire into the house with scornful looks .]

jack

This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose?

algernon

Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life.

jack

Well, you’ve no right whatsoever to Bunbury here.

algernon

That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that.

jack

Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens!

·112· algernon

Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven’t got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature.

jack

Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You won’t be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too.

algernon

Your brother is a little off colour, isn’t he, dear Jack? You won’t be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing either.

jack

As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward.

algernon

I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced ·113· young lady like Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.

jack

I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.

algernon

Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her.

jack

There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.

algernon

I don’t think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united.

jack

Well, that is no business of yours.

algernon

If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. [ Begins to eat muffins .] It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbroker’s [ E:stockbrokers] do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

jack

How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when ·114· we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.

algernon

Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

jack

I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.

algernon

When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. [ Rising .]

jack

[ Rising .] Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. [ Takes muffins from Algernon .]

algernon

[ Offering tea-cake .] I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake.

·115· jack

Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.

algernon

But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.

jack

I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.

algernon

That may be. But the muffins are the same. [ He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack .]

jack

Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.

algernon

You can’t possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.

·116· jack

My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can’t both be christened Ernest. It’s absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I ever have been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already.

algernon

Yes, but I have not been christened for years.

jack

Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing.

algernon