A to Z Classics - Complete Works Of Oscar Wilde (Best Navigation) (A to Z Classics)

jack

That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward. [ Lady Bracknell bows coldly to Cecily .]

algernon

I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.

lady bracknell

I beg your pardon?

·130· cecily

Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell.

lady bracknell

[ With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down .] I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance. I think some preliminary enquiry on my part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London? I merely desire information. Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus. [ Jack looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself .]

jack

[ In a clear, cold voice .] Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149, Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B.

lady bracknell

That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. But what proof have I of their authenticity?

·131· jack

I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.

lady bracknell

[ Grimly .] I have known strange errors in that publication.

jack

Miss Cardew’s family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby.

lady bracknell

Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm of the very highest position in their profession. Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markbys is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. So far I am satisfied.

jack

[ Very irritably .] How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell! I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew’s birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety.

lady bracknell

Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though ·132· perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I am not myself in favour of premature experiences. [ Rises, looks at her watch .] Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure. We have not a moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?

jack

Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds. That is all. Good-bye, Lady Bracknell. So pleased to have seen you.

lady bracknell

[ Sitting down again .] A moment, Mr. Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her. Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve with time. We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces. [ To Cecily .] Come over here, dear. [ Cecily goes across .] Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it. But we can soon alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time. I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not know her.

jack

And after six months nobody knew her [ E:her.]

·133· lady bracknell

[ Glares at Jack for a few moments. Then bends, with a practised smile, to Cecily .] Kindly turn round, sweet child. [ Cecily turns completely round .] No, the side view is what I want. [ Cecily presents her profile .] Yes, quite as I expected. There are distinct social possibilities in your profile. The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile. The chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn. They are worn very high, just at present. Algernon!

algernon

Yes, Aunt Augusta!

lady bracknell

There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew’s profile.

algernon

Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world. And I don’t care twopence about social possibilities.

lady bracknell

Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only people who can’t get into it do that. [ To Cecily .] Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon. But I do not approve of mercenary marriages. ·134· When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well, I suppose I must give my consent.

algernon

Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

lady bracknell

Cecily, you may kiss me!

cecily

[ Kisses her .] Thank you, Lady Bracknell.

lady bracknell

You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.

cecily

Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

lady bracknell

The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.

algernon

Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

·135· cecily

Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

lady bracknell

To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.

jack

I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew’s guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age. That consent I absolutely decline to give.

lady bracknell

Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. What more can one desire?

jack

It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character. I suspect him of being untruthful. [ Algernon and Cecily look at him in indignant amazement .]

·136· lady bracknell

Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! He is an Oxonian.

jack

I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter. This afternoon, during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother. Under an assumed name he drank, I’ve just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, ’89; a wine I was specially reserving for myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don’t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.

lady bracknell

Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew’s conduct to you.

jack

That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. ·137· My own decision, however, is unalterable. I decline to give my consent.

lady bracknell

[ To Cecily .] Come here, sweet child. [ Cecily goes over .] How old are you, dear?

cecily

Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I go to evening parties.

lady bracknell

You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating…. [ In a meditative manner .] Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties. Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage. So I don’t think your guardian’s consent is, after all, a matter of any importance.