A to Z Classics - Complete Works Of Oscar Wilde (Best Navigation) (A to Z Classics)

jack

Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather’s will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five.

·138· lady bracknell

That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now. I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present. There will be a large accumulation of property.

cecily

Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?

algernon

Of course I could, Cecily. You know I could.

cecily

Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn’t wait all that time. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. It always makes me rather cross. I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question.

algernon

Then what is to be done, Cecily?

·139· cecily

I don’t know, Mr. Moncrieff.

lady bracknell

My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five—a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature—I would beg of you to reconsider your decision.

jack

But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands. The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward.

lady bracknell

[ Rising and drawing herself up .] You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question.

jack

Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to.

lady bracknell

That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for himself. [ Pulls out her watch .] Come, dear; [ Gwendolen rises ] we have already missed five, if not six, trains. To ·140· miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform.

[ Enter Dr. Chasuble .]

chasuble

Everything is quite ready for the christenings.

lady bracknell

The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhat premature?

chasuble

[ Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack and Algernon .] Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism.

lady bracknell

At their age? The idea is grotesque and irreligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be baptised. I will not hear of such excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and money.

chasuble

Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings at all this afternoon?

jack

I don’t think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.

·141· chasuble

I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church at once. Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry.

lady bracknell

[ Starting .] Miss Prism! Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism?

chasuble

Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her.

lady bracknell

Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education?

chasuble

[ Somewhat indignantly .] She is the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability.

·142· lady bracknell

It is obviously the same person. May I ask what position she holds in your household?

chasuble

[ Severely .] I am a celibate, madam.

jack

[ Interposing .] Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew’s esteemed governess and valued companion.

lady bracknell

In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once. Let her be sent for.

chasuble

[ Looking off .] She approaches; she is nigh.

[ Enter Miss Prism hurriedly .]

miss prism

I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon. I have been waiting for you there for an hour and three quarters. [ Catches sight of Lady Bracknell who has fixed her with a stony glare. Miss Prism grows pale and quails. She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape .]

·143· lady bracknell

[ In a severe, judicial voice .] Prism! [ Miss Prism bows her head in shame .] Come here, Prism! [ Miss Prism approaches in a humble manner .] Prism! Where is that baby? [ General consternation. The Canon starts back in horror. Algernon and Jack pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily and Gwendolen from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal .] Twenty eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell’s house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby, of the male sex. You never returned. A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality. [ Miss Prism starts in involuntary indignation .] But the baby was not there! [ Everyone looks at Miss Prism .] Prism! Where is that baby? [ A pause .]

miss prism

Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know. I only wish I did. The plain facts of the case are these. On the morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator. I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours. ·144· In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the bassinette, and placed the baby in the hand-bag.

jack

[ Who has been listening attentively .] But where did you deposit the hand-bag?

miss prism

Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.

jack

Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me. I insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that contained that infant.

miss prism

I left it in the cloak room of one of the larger railway stations in London.

jack

What railway station?

miss prism

[ Quite crushed .] Victoria. The Brighton line. [ Sinks into a chair .]

jack

I must retire to my room for a moment. Gwendolen, wait here for me.

·145· gwendolen

If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.

[ Exit Jack in great excitement .]

chasuble

What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?

lady bracknell

I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble. I need hardly tell you that in families of high position strange coincidences are not supposed to occur. They are hardly considered the thing.

[ Noises heard overhead as if someone was throwing trunks about. Everyone looks up .]

cecily

Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.