Rudyard Kipling - Rudyard Kipling - The Complete Novels and Stories

“We hild a Council av War,” continued Mulvaney “walkin’ roun’ by the Artill’ry Lines. I was Prisidint, Learoyd was Minister av Finance, an’ little Orth’ris here was ——.”

“A bloomin’ Bismarck! Hi made the ’ole show pay.”

“This interferin’ bit av a Benira man” said Mulvaney “did the thrick for us himself; for, on me sowl, we hadn’t a notion av what was to come afther the next minut. He was shoppin’ in the bazar on fut. ’Twas dhrawin’ dusk thin, an’ we stud watchin’ the little man hoppin’ in an’ out av the shops, thryin to injuce the naygurs to mallum his bat . Prisintly, he sthrols up, his arrums full av thruck, an’ he sez in a consiquinshal way, shticking out his little belly:—‘Me good men,’ sez he, ‘have ye seen the Kernel’s b’roosh?’ ‘B’roosh?’ says Learoyd. ‘There’s no b’roosh here—nobbut a hekka .’ ‘Fwhat’s that?’ sez Thrigg. Learoyd shows him wan down the sthreet, an’ he sez:—‘How thruly Orientil! I will ride on a hekka .’ I saw thin that our Rigimintal Saint was for givin’ Thrigg over to us neck an’ brisket. I purshued a hekka , an’ I sez to the dhriver-divil, I sez:—‘Ye black limb, there’s a Sahib comin’ for this hekka . He wants to go jildi to the Padsahi Jhil’—’twas about tu moiles away—, [—’] to shoot snipe— chirria . ‘You dhrive Jehannum ke marfik, mallum ? ’Tis no manner av faider bukkin ’ to the Sahib , bekaze he doesn’t samjao your bat . Av he bolos anything, just you choop and chel. Dekker ? Go arsty for the first arder -mile from cantonmints. Thin chel, Shaitan ke marfik , an’ the chooper you choops an’ the jildier you chels the better kooshy will that Sahib be; an’ here’s a rupee for ye?’

“The hekka -man knew there was somethin’ out av the common in the air. He grinned an’ sez :—‘Bote achee ! I goin’ damn fast.’ I prayed that the Kernel’s b’roosh wudn’t arrive till me darlin’ Benira by the grace av God was undher weigh. The little man puts his thruck into the hekka an’ scuttles in like a fat guinea-pig; niver offerin’ us the price av a dhrink for our services in helpin’ him home. ‘He’s off to the Padsahi jhil ,’ sez I to the others.”

Ortheris took up the tale:—

“Jist then, little Buldoo kim up, ’oo was the son of one of the Artillery Saises —’e would ’av made a ’evinly newspaper-boy in London, bein’ sharp an’ fly to all manner o’ games. ’E ’ad bin watchin’ us puttin’ Mister Benhira into ’is temporary baroush, an’ ’e sez:—‘What ’ave you been a doin’ of, Sahibs?’ sez ’e. Learoyd ’e caught ’im by the ear an ’e sez—”

“Ah says,” went on Learoyd; “‘Young mon, that mon’s gooin’ to have’t goons out o’ Thursday— kul —an’ thot’s more work for you, young mon. Now, sitha, tak a tat an’ a lookri , an’ ride tha domdest to t’ Padsahi Jhil. Cotch thot there hekka , and tell t’ driver iv your lingo thot you’ve coom to tak’ his place. T’ Sahib doesn’t speak t’ bat , an’ he’s a little mon. Drive t’ hekka into t’ Padsahi Jhil into t’ watter. Leave t’ Sahib theer an’ roon hoam; an[’] here’s a rupee for tha.’”

Then Mulvaney and Ortheris spoke together in alternate fragments: Mulvaney leading [You must pick out the two speakers as best you can.]:—“He was a knowin’ little divil was Bhuldoo,—’e sez bote achee an’ cuts—wid a wink in his oi—but Hi sez there’s money to be made—an’ I wanted to see the ind av the campaign—so Hi says we’ll double hout to the Padsahi Jhil—an’ save the little man from bein’ dacoited by the murtherin’ Bhuldoo—an’ turn hup like reskooers in a Ryle Victoria Theayter Melodrama—so we doubled for the jhil , an’ prisintly there was the divil av a hurroosh behind us an’ three bhoys on grasscuts’ tats come by, poundin’ along for the dear life—s’elp me Bob, hif Buldoo ’adn’t raised a rig’lar harmy of decoits—to do the job in shtile. An’ we ran, an’ they ran, shplittin’ with laughin’, till we gets near the jhil —and ’ears sounds of distress floatin’ molloncolly on the hevenin’ hair.” [Ortheris was growing poetical under the influence of the beer. The duett [duet] recommenced; Mulvaney leading again.]

“Thin we heard Bhuldoo, the dacoit, shoutin’ to the hekka man, an’ wan of the young divils brought his lakri down on the top av the hekka -cover, an’ Benira Thrigg inside howled ‘Murther an’ Death.’ Buldoo takes the reins and dhrives like mad for the jhil , havin’ dishpersed the hekka -dhriver—’oo cum up to us an’ ’e sez, sezie:—‘That Sahib’s nigh gawbry with funk! Wot devil’s work ave you led me into?’ ‘Hall right,’ sez we, ‘you puckrow that there pony an’ come along. This Sahib’s been decoited, an’ we’re going to resky ’im!’ Says the driver: ‘Decoits! Wot decoits? That’s Buldoo the budmash ’—‘Bhuldoo be shot!’ sez we. ‘’Tis a woild dissolute Pathan frum the hills. There’s about eight av ’im coercin’ the Sahib . You remimber that an’ you’ll get another rupee.’! Thin we heard the whop-whop-whop av the hekka turnin’ over, an’ a splash av water an’ the voice av Benira Thrigg callin’ upon God to forgive his sins—an’ Buldoo an’ ’is friends squotterin’ in the water like boys in the Serpentine.”

Here the Three Musketeers retired simultaneously into the beer.

“Well? What came next?” said I.

“Fwhat nex’?” answered Mulvaney, wiping his mouth. “Wud ye let three bould sodger-bhoys lave the ornamint av the House av Lords to be dhrowned an’ dacoited in a jhil ? We formed line av quarther-column an’ we discinded upon the inimy. For the better part av tin minutes you could not hear yerself spake. The tattoo was screamin’ in chune wid Benira Thrigg an’ Bhuldoo’s army, an’ the shticks was whistlin’ roun’ the hekka , an’ Orth’ris was beatin’ the hekka -cover wid his fistes, an’ Learoyd yellin’:—‘Look out for their knives!’ an me’ [an’ me] cuttin’ into the dark, right an’ lef’, dishpersin’ arrmy corps av Pathans. Holy Mother av Moses! ’twas more disp’rit than Ahmid Kheyl wid Maiwund thrown in. Afther a while Bhuldoo an’ his bhoys flees. Have ye iver seen a rale live Lord thryin’ to hide his nobility undher a fut an’ a half av brown jhil wather? ’Tis the livin’ image av a bhisti’s mussick wid the shivers. It tuk toime to pershuade me frind Benira he was not disimbowilled: an’ more toime to get out the hekka . The dhriver come up afther the battle, swearin’ he tuk a hand in repulsin’ the inimy. Benira was sick wid the fear. We escorted him back, very slow, to cantonmints, for that an’ the chill to soak into him. It suk ! Glory be to the Rigimintil Saint, but it suk to the marrow av Lord Benira Thrigg!”

Here Ortheris, slowly, with immense pride:—“’E sez;—‘You har my noble preservers,’ sez ’e. ‘You har a h onour to the British Harmy,’ sez ’e. With that ’e describes the hawful band of dacoits wot set on ’im. There was about forty of ’em an’ e’ [’e] was hoverpowered by numbers, so ’e was; but ’e never lorst ’is presence of mind, so ’e didn’t. ’E guv the hekka -driver five rupees for ’is noble hassistance, an’ ’e said ’e would see to us after ’e ’ad spoken to the Kernul. For we was a h onour to the Regiment, we was.”