Gideon Defoe: The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

'Aarrrr,' roared the Pirate Captain, because it seemed a good way to end the conversation.

Eight

BATTLING THE OCTOPUS

he next morning, waking up for the first time in three years in a proper bed with fresh linen that didn't stink of fish and monkeys, Darwin felt a great deal better about things. Before he had retired for the night the Pirate Captain had taken him aside and gone on to explain his piratical plan. He reasoned that they had no means of ascertaining the whereabouts of Erasmus until the evil Bishop of Oxford showed his face. By announcing the lecture tour with Mister Bobo they would force the Bishop's hand, and he would be sure to turn up in order to try threatening Darwin into backing down. The Bishop would be expecting scientists. What the Bishop wouldn't be expecting were pirates! At this point the plan got a bit hazy, but Darwin felt confident in the Pirate Captain's abilities nonetheless. He propped himself up on his pillows and flicked through that morning's edition of The Times, pretending not to look at

the more salacious pictures of table legs. There was another big headline about a mysteriously shrivelled lady being found bobbing about in the Thames, and an article in the Style section where he saw that for the fifth year running, 'sinister and macabre' was still very much in vogue when it came to the Victorian gentle­man's interior design choices. He sighed. With sunlight streaming in through the window, and a plate of toast already brought to him by the Royal Society's butler, Darwin was tempted to spend the whole morning in bed, but he had a lot to sort out, so he shook Mister Bobo awake and started preparing for the evening's lecture. A lecture, he pondered, that could make his name as a scientist - and, by that token, hope­fully lead to a good deal more success with women.

In one of the Royal Society's bathrooms just down the hall the Pirate Captain was busy flossing.

Are you going to be in there much longer?' asked an unfamiliar voice with an impatient knock. The Pirate Captain flung open the door,

ready to run through with his shiny cutlass whosoever it happened to be, but then he remembered he was supposed to be a mild-mannered scientist, not a bloodthirsty Terror of the High Seas. So instead he fixed the knave who had the cheek to interrupt his toiletries with a steely stare. He recognised one of the scientists from dinner.

'Yes,' growled the Pirate Captain. 'I am going to be in here much longer. Beards like this don't look after themselves, you know.'

'Right, sorry,' said the scientist, backing away meekly. 'Gosh. You've got a lot of scars.'

The Pirate Captain was wearing only a risque towel, and he did indeed have a number of scars from previous adventures.

"That's from bumping against scientific appa­ratus in my laboratory,' explained the Pirate Captain, a murderous gleam in his eyes.

'And is that... a treasure map tattooed on your belly?'

'No. It's the periodic table.'

'It doesn't look like the periodic table. X isn't an element.'

The Pirate Captain decided to run the scien­tist through with his cutlass after all. He washed it off in the sink, attended to his beard and then went back to the room he was sharing with some of the other pirates.

'They may know how to make a mechanical pig,' said the Pirate Captain, 'but these scientists have got a lot to learn about manners.'

The other pirates all nodded at this.

'Now, does everybody know what they're doing today? You two,' the Pirate Captain pointed to the albino pirate and the pirate with a hook where his hand should have been, 'will help Mr Darwin with anything he needs for his lecture. And you two,' this time he indicated the scarf-wearing pirate and the pirate with an accordion, 'will check out P.T. Barnum's Circus. Why is a Bishop involved in running a circus, that's what I want to know. I'm not sure how it fits in with his diabolical plans, but I have my suspicions about the place. It's ladies' night, so you'll have to disguise yourselves as women.'

'It's going to be quite difficult fitting a lady

disguise on top of our scientist disguises, which we're already wearing on top of our pirate outfits,' said the scarf-wearing pirate.

'You'll just have to do your best,' said the Pirate Captain. 'I'd go myself, but obviously my luxuriant beard would make it difficult for me to pass as a lady. And don't forget that ladies speak in squeaky voices. Like this - "Hello, I'm a lady!'"

Everybody laughed at the Pirate Captain's brilliant impression of what a lady sounded like. 17

"The rest of you pirates go round town and paste up these posters advertising tonight's lecture.'

The Pirate Captain handed out a stack of A4 posters. They were illustrated with a picture of Darwin and Mister Bobo playing chess. Mister Bobo was in Rodin's The Thinker pose, and

Darwin had thrown his hands up in defeat. The Pirate Captain had drawn the picture himself, and was proud of his effort. Before he became a pirate he was going to be an archi­tect, and he had used his knowledge of perspective and foreshortening to make Mister Bobo's massive monkey behind seem a lot smaller than it was in real life. And he'd managed to give Darwin a genuine look of exasperation at having been bested by a chimp. The only thing about the picture that slightly disappointed the Pirate Captain was Darwin's hands, which looked more like lumpy starfish - for some reason the Pirate Captain had never got very good at drawing hands. Above the picture were the words:

One night only - Mister Charles Darwin will be showing off his fantastic hirsute new friend Mister Bobo - the world's first Man-panzee! Royal Society Lecture Rooms, admission free.

In very small print it was noted that Mister Bobo did not actually play chess to a particularly high standard.

'These are very good, Captain,' said the scarf-wearing pirate, already applying a cherry-coloured lipstick. The Pirate Captain waved away the praise, and mumbled something about how he didn't think it was that good a picture, even though it was obvious how proud he was.

'Now, I hope I can trust you pirates with this. I'm afraid I've got a prior engagement, so I won't be around to help out,' said the Pirate Captain, giving his sternest look to his men, which involved lowering his eyebrows and purs­ing his lips together.

'What's that, Captain? asked the accordion-playing pirate, having some difficulty with his bra strap.

'I received a letter this morning, inviting me to attend a Pirate Convention at Earls Court. I'm one of the guests of honour.'

The other pirates occasionally wondered how it was that these letters found their way to their itinerant captain, but somehow they always did.

'A Pirate Convention? You're certain this isn't another of those Royal Navy schemes to trap a

whole bunch of pirates?' said the scarf-wearing pirate, his brow furrowed with concern.

'Remember that time they said there was going to be a pirate beauty contest on Mozam­bique, and we had to shoot our way out?'

'Remember it? Of course I remember it! I still say I was robbed,' pouted the Pirate Captain. His crew nodded - certainly none of them had ever seen another pirate as attractive as their chiselled Captain.

'But, anyhow, the letter came with our secret pirate symbol marked on the envelope. See?' The Pirate Captain pointed to the Jolly Roger 18stamped on the seal. 'So it must be the real deal. I'm quite looking forward to it. With any luck I'll be able to sign a few autographs for the kids, and pick up some pirate equipment at bargain prices.'