Gideon Defoe: The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

'Will they have grog there?' asked the sassy Pirate.

'Yes. And cigars. But I don't think they'll let pirates in. And lord knows what my colleagues] would think if they saw me associating with sea-dogs like you.'

The pirates were a bit hurt by this, and Darwin was quick to try to save their feelings.

‘I mean, obviously, FitzRoy and I know that you're stand-up fellows, it's just the other] members ... they may be rather quick to judge.']

'There's only one thing for it then,' said the Pirate Captain, a gleam in his eye. 'We'll have to] disguise ourselves as scientists!'

Holding pens and rulers, and with white lab coats covering their piratical paraphernalia, the; pirates followed Darwin into the Royal Society Gentlemen's Club. [4] The Royal Society was set up in 1660, and many famous scientists have been members, including Robert Boyle, Robert Hooke and John Venn. Why not try drawing a Venn Diagram of 'pirates' (A) and 'ham' (B) and 'barrels of tar' (C). How large is the intersection (X)? There were several famous

scientists present, some sitting around smok­ing, some engaged in animated discussion about the latest scientific topic, and some just watching the dancing girls. The smell of opium hung heavily in the air.

'Anyhow,' one of the scientists was saying to another, 'there simply isn't room in the muse­um's Fishes Hall, so we've decided to pretend to the public that a whale is actually a mammal without any legs. It's patently ridiculous - I mean to say, just look at the thing, it's a gigantic fish if ever you saw one - but mum's the word! In my experience the public will believe just about anything, so long as you write it down on a little piece of card.'

The Pirate Captain coughed.

'Goodness! Look, everybody, it's Darwin! Darwin's back!' exclaimed one of the scientists with bushy sideburns, and everybody crowded round Darwin and FitzRoy, slapping them on the shoulders and asking questions. It was a couple of minutes before Darwin could get a word in edgeways.

'Uh, these here are some scientists I met on

my travels,' he said, indicating the disguised pirates. 'I hope you'll make them feel welcome.'

'Sorry. We're forgetting our manners. It's just so good to see Charles back, alive and; well. One hears such stories about life on the high seas. Giant squids and pirates and the like,' said a genuine scientist, shaking the Pirate Captain's hand. 'What sort of science do you do?'

'What sort of science? Well. . . it's mainly ... chemicals,' said the Pirate Captain, thinking on his feet. "There's a lot of stirring things together. And then writing things down, of course.'

'Fascinating,' said the scientist. And what about you? What's your field?' he added, turn­ing to the pirate with a hook for his hand.

The pirate with a hook for his hand didn't know what to say, but the quick-witted Pirate Captain cut in deftly. 'My modest colleague does a lot of work with minerals. He likes gold best. He heats it up, with matches.'

'Surely, as a man of science, you'd use a Bunsen burner?'

'Did I say matches? Yes, I meant Bunsen

burner. It's been a long day,' the Pirate Captain shrugged apologetically.

The pirates managed to do a pretty decent job of mingling with the scientists, nodding politely and saying 'Really?' a lot as they listened to them drone on about their latest inventions and discoveries, but the Pirate Captain soon found himself involved in a particularly awkward conversation about molecules, so he was relieved when FitzRoy interrupted him before it got to the stage where he had to say if he was for or against them.

'As a fellow nautical man, there's somebody I'd like you to meet,' said FitzRoy, grabbing the Pirate Captain by the sleeve of his lab coat and dragging him over to shake hands with a fresh-faced young scientist.

"This is James Glaisher, the famous meteor­ologist,' said FitzRoy. The Pirate Captain wasn't sure what a meteorologist did, but he suspected it was something boring.

'lames and I have long held the belief that the weather does not operate in some capricious

manner, and that with sufficient information, ft should be possible to give advance warning of storms at sea. Our voyage has only served to; further convince me.'

The Pirate Captain made sure he was doing his best interested-face whilst he wondered what time scientists tended to eat dinner.

'So tell me, James,' continued FitzRoy, 'how have the experiments been going? Did you get a !chance to make the modifications I suggested for your ship?'

'What's this?' said the Pirate Captain, his ears pricking up, eager to find a topic he could make head or tail of. 'You have a ship? Why, I have a boat myself!'

'I'm afraid it's not that kind of a ship,' explained the scientist.' 6'For some time now, FitzRoy and I have pursued the idea of a motorised weather balloon. I believe it to be the world's first lighter-than-air-ship. A dirigible, if you will.';

'A lighter-than-air-ship?' said the Pirate Captain, rubbing his hairy chin. 'How many cannons does it have? My boat has twelve cannons.'

'Cannons? It doesn't have any cannons.'

'You're not going to be much cop when it comes to plundering if you haven't got any cannons!' the Pirate Captain snorted imperiously.

'Plundering? I'm not sure you understand. We've not invented the airship to go plundering.'

'So what on earth is it for?' asked the Pirate Captain.

'For? What is all science "for"!' exclaimed the scientist. 'Pushing back frontiers! The thrill of discovery! Advancing the sum total of human knowledge and endeavour! And looking down ladies' tops.'

Over dinner Darwin told the story of his voyage, missing out the bit with the pirates, then he showed off Mister Bobo, who performed impec­cably and proved excellent when it came to the

9i

after-dinner charades, making everybody laugh as he acted out Daniel Defoe's Journal of the Plague Year. All of the scientists agreed that Mister Bobo was a breakthrough, but none of them knew what was to be done about the predicament of Erasmus. A glum gloom settled over the table, and even Darwin's pet bulldog, Huxley, whimpered as it ate the scraps of ham surreptitiously fed to it under the table by the pirate with a scarf.

It was time for action. The Pirate Captain slammed down his After Eight mint with a mighty crash.

'It's clear to me what must be done,' he told the assembled scientists and pirates-dressed-as-scientists. 'Darwin must go ahead and announce a lecture tour with Mister Bobo as if nothing were wrong. I'll get my crew - my scientist crew, that is - to put up posters, and we'll hold the first lecture in this very museum, tomorrow night.'

'But what about the repercussions? Until I know Erasmus is safe, how can I dare?' said Darwin, aghast.

'If my years of experience solving crimes has taught me anything,' said the Pirate Captain, looking reassuringly nonchalant by tipping his chair back dangerously, 'it's that you can't catch a mouse without cheese!'

'Your years of experience solving crimes? But you're a pirate,' whispered Darwin. 'Surely that doesn't involve much detective work?'