Нил Шустерман - Antsy Does Time

MORE FAKE QUOTES BY GUNNAR ÜMLAUT

“A family is a collection of strangers trapped in a web of DNA and forced to cope.” — MARIA VON TRAPP

“No luncheon shall ever present itself free from payment in coin or pound of flesh.” —WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

“All right, I admit to having cursed the darkness once or twice.” —ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

“Being rich is nothing when compared to being really, really rich” —BILL GATES

“What no one seems to realize is that there are no bathrooms on the moon.” — NEIL ARMSTRONG

“I do not mourn the loss of my hearing, and in fact, I foresee a time when popular music shall cause entire populations to long for my affliction.” —LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN

“Time is the unquantifiable commodity that greases the gear work of creation. But I prefer Russian dressing.” —ALBERT EINSTEIN

“The fabrication of quotes is like the manufacture of polyester. It may pretend to be silk, but suffocates when the climate is hot.” —MAHATMA GANDHI

THE DEATH EUPHEMISMS OF SKATERDUD

Pushing Posies

Meeting the Mud

The Dirt Dance

Snooze Button Bingo

The Root Rhumba

Sucking Seaweed [5] For burial at sea.

The Formaldehyde High

Visiting Uncle Mort

Sniffing Satin

The China Express

Bucket Soccer

The Last Lawn Party

Farm Finale

The Shovel Symphony

Chillin’ with Jimmy

Box Potato

El Sayonara Grande

ANTSY BONANO’S TIME CONTRACT (IN ITS FINAL VERSION)

I, __________ being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath one month of my natural life to

Gunnar Ümlaut, subject to the stuff listed below:

1. The month shall not be this coming May or June, or the last month of Gunnar Ümlaut’s life, any leap-year Februaries, or the months of his high school or college graduations, or the month of his marriage, should he live to those dates, as those months are already reserved by others.

2. The month shall be taken from the end of my natural life, and not the middle.

3. The donated month shall be null and void if my own expiration date is less than 31 days from the date of this contract, regardless of the length of the month which is ultimately donated.

4. Should Gunnar Ümlaut use my month for criminal acts such as shoplifting or serial killing, I shall not be held responsible.

5. The month shall be reduced to two weeks should Gunnar Ümlaut become my enemy for any reason including but not limited to the following: familial feud, personal grudge, nonrepayment of debt, all forms of bad-mouthing, hallway bullying, refusing a reasonable request to share lunch.

6. Gunnar Ümlaut, and/or his next of kin shall have no claim on property, or chunks of time beyond those granted in this contract, and said month shall have no cash value, unless mutually agreed upon, in which case I shall share equally in the cash value, without limitation, with the exception of limitations rising from the verifiable end of Gunnar Ümlaut’s life, either prior to or after aforementioned end.

7. Should any disputes arise from the exchange of this month, both parties agree to submit to binding arbitration by Anthony Bonano, who in this contract shall be known as the Master of Time.

Signature

Signature of Witness

Not really.

(I suggested a pitcher of water, but Mom reached over Christina and smacked me.)

(At this point dad reached to the dashboard, and for the briefest insane moment, I thought he might be reaching for an ejection button that would send aunt Mona flying through the roof —but he was just turning on the radio.)

For burial at sea.