Maxim Titovets - TWO PLAYS. MAIDEN FOREST. THE ADVENTURES OF YUMI

Fyodor.Nice to meet you, Natalia. I am Fyodor. And these are my friends. [Nodding at Venya and Alexey.] Alexey Khromov and Veniamin… What is your last name, Venya?

Venya.Veniamin Frostin. [He holds out his hand to Natalia, she gives it a shake.] Enchanté, Natalia.

Fyodor.Veniamin… oh dear.

Alexey.Nice to meet you, Natalia. [He gently pushes Venya aside and holds out his hand to Natalia, she shakes it as well.]

Natalia.Oh. So much attention. You’re making me blush.

Fyodor.We do love guests.

Alexey.Your face seems somehow very familiar.

Natalia.You are mistaken, Alexey. We have never met before.

Fyodor.Natalia, what brings you to my humble dwelling today?

Venya.Kes-keu-seh?

Natalia.My female friend and I are going to the Sunny Beach Recreation Center. GPS navigator showed the shortest route which runs through your settlement.

Fyodor.So, you came here with a friend?

Alexey and Venya exchange meaningful glances and say in unison:

Venya, Alexey.And where is she?

Natalia.She is in the car.

Alexey.Curious.

Natalia.Our car got a flat. We tried to pump the tire up with a compressor but failed.

Venya.It might have been punctured.

Fyodor.Have you got a spare?

Natalia.We can’t get it out.

Fyodor.Well, this can be easily mended. Fellas, go eat your breakfast while I have a look.

Alexey.Yeah, right. Just for the record, Natalia, in my younger days, after I left the army, I had spent two years working in a tire shop.

Natalia.You can call me Natasha.

Alexey.And you can call me Alexey. Where is your car?

Natalia.Around the corner. In the next street.

Venya.I’ll come with you!

Fyodor.What would we do without you?

Alexey.Venya is notorious for being a bungler.

Venya . Natalia, everything will be treh bi-ahn! [He takes off his backpack, casually throws it on the bench in the gazebo, and gestures to the gate, asking Natalia to follow.]

Fyodor, Natalia, and Venya head towards the exit into the street.

Alexey . Fyodor, where can I put my things? [Nodding at his traveling bag.]

Fyodor.Bring them in. There is no one around.

Alexey enters the house and almost immediately appears again, without his traveling bag and jacket, rolling up his shirt sleeves. Fyodor, Venya, and Natalia wait for Alexey by the gate. Then all of them go outside.

Alexey.Let’s go. Natasha, show us the way.

Venya.Let me share a joke. A while back Chapayev and Petka were crossing the Israeli border…

The four of them leave.

As soon as they pass out of sight, Moray and Artyom appear on the other side of the street. They approach the gate and pass through it. Moray keeps watch at the gate. Artyom quickly approaches the house, enters by the unlocked door. He spends some time inside, then goes out with a cased hunting rifle in his hands and a box of bullets in the welt pocket of his jacket and comes back to the gate.

Moray.Nicely done, Jacket!

Artyom.Keep under the radar, Moray.

Artyom and Moray go off in the same direction they came from.

Scene 2

The same morning. Moray’s house next street from Fyodor’s house.

Chopper is sitting in an armchair and fiddling around with an old mobile phone.

Chopper [Pressing the call button.] Karen! Everyone is in place. Wait for the signal at midnight.

Slav enters. Chopper stops the call.

Slav.Chopper, all right. The old geezers departed. Jacket and Moray went inside.

Chopper.Few surprises there. Natasha is the best drink-spiker on the block.

Slav.Yeah, this bitch knows how to wrap men around her finger!

Chopper.You bet!

Slav.Why would we even need this rifle?

Chopper.It is Frost’s order. It has to be done.

Slav.And what if Kolosov realizes?

Chopper.I don’t want him to bang away at us when we pull off the job.

Slav. [Opening the furnace door and throwing more birch logs on the fire.] Damned moisture.

Pause.

Slav.We have been stranded here all night. Whose digs are these?

Chopper.It is Moray’s house. It was passed down to him from his folks.

Slav.They must have died a long time ago. [He takes an old photograph off the table and reads the text on the reverse side of it.] «August. 1997. I sought my love in the maiden forest. With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack…» [He takes out a lighter, sets the photograph on fire, and throws it on a plate lying on the table]. My father got a garden plot here as well. But this drunkard never built anything there. The land went for nothing.

Chopper.A man only seeks for happiness but never has it. And it doesn’t even exist. Slav!

Slav. Eh?

Chopper.Try it on. It’s just your size. [He throws a parcel with clothes to Slav.]

Slav unwraps the parcel.

Slav.You can’t be serious, Chopper…

Chopper.A must is a must. It’s gonna get hairy at night.

Slav changes into the police uniform, puts on the peaked cap, and puts steel handcuffs into his pocket.

Slav.I look nothing like a cop.

Chopper.We are going to check it soon.

Slav.Jacket and Moray… I don’t like these two. How come Frost knows them?

Chopper.It’s none of your affairs. Frost vouched for them.

Slav.The chumps will get off as soon as it hits the fan. You and I are sticking our necks out.

Chopper.Relax. Jacket and Kolosov are settling their personal scores.

Slav.Is it true that they are related?

Chopper.Kolosov is his stepfather. It was he who got Jacket and Moray arrested for drugs a few years ago.

Slav.What a nasty son of a bitch.

Chopper.Jacket had spent four years in jail. Meanwhile, his mother died.

Slav.The fellow had damned bad luck.

Chopper.Kolosov buried Jacket’s mother and got his grubby hands on the icon collection her granddad left to her.

Slav.How much money did Kolosov make on it?

Chopper.When Perestroika began, profiteers bid a four-room apartment in Moscow for those icons.

Slav. [Whistling.] And where is this collection now? [Opening the door of a wardrobe and groping around inside.]

Chopper.In the old Kolosov’s apartment. The roost is alarmed. We are going to find out the password and take the icons without a big fuss. Karen the cracksman is already there.

Artyom with the uncased rifle and Moray enter. Slav closes the wardrobe door, Artyom and Moray notice him.