George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

MRS. HIGGINS Please dont grind your teeth, Henry.

PICKERING Well, this is really very nice of you, Miss Doolittle.

LIZA I should like you to call me Eliza, now, if you would.

PICKERING Thank you. Eliza, of course.

LIZA And I should like Professor Higgins to call me Miss Doolittle.

HIGGINS I’ll see you damned first.

MRS. HIGGINS Henry! Henry!

PICKERING [laughing] Why dont you slang back at him? Dont stand it. It would do him a lot of good.

LIZA I cant. I could have done it once; but now I cant go back to it. Last night, when I was wandering about, a girl spoke to me; and I tried to get back into the old way with her; but it was no use. You told me, you know, that when a child is brought to a foreign country, it picks up the language in a few weeks, and forgets its own. Well, I am a child in your country. I have forgotten my own language, and can speak nothing but yours. Thats the real break-off with the corner of Tottenham Court Road. Leaving Wimpole Street finishes it.

PICKERING [much alarmed ] Oh! but youre coming back to Wimpole Street, arnt you? Youll forgive Higgins?

HIGGINS [ rising ] Forgive! Will she, by George! Let her go. Let her find out how she can get on without us. She will relapse into the gutter in three weeks without me at her elbow. DOOLITTLE appears at the centre window. With a look of dignified reproach at HIGGINS, he comes slowly and silently to his daughter, who, with her back to the window, is unconscious of his approach.

PICKERING Hes incorrigible, Eliza. You wont relapse, will you?

LIZA No: Not now. Never again. I have learnt my lesson. I dont believe I could utter one of the old sounds if I tried. [ DOOLITTLE touches her on her left shoulder. She drops her work, losing her self-possession utterly at the spectacle of her father’s splendor] A-a-a-a-a-ah-ow-ooh!

HIGGINS [ with a crow of triumph ] Aha! Just so. A-a-a-a-ahowooh ! A-a-a-a-ahowooh! A-a-a-a-ahowooh! Victory! Victory ! [He throws himself on the divan, folding his arms, and spraddling arrogantly ] .

DOOLITTLE Can you blame the girl? Dont look at me like that, Eliza. It aint my fault. Ive come into some money.

LIZA You must have touched a millionaire this time, dad.

DOOLITTLE I have. But I’m dressed something special today. I’m going to St. George‘s, Hanover Square. [228] Church where wealthy people married. Your stepmother is going to marry me.

LIZA [ angrily ] Youre going to let yourself down to marry that low common woman!

PICKERING [ quietly ] He ought to, Eliza. [To DOOLITTLE ] Why has she changed her mind?

DOOLITTLE [ sadly ] Intimidated. Governor. Intimidated. Middle class morality claims its victim. Wont you put on your hat, Liza, and come and see me turned off?

LIZA If the Colonel says I must, I — I’ll [ almost sobbing] I’ll demean myself. And get insulted for my pains, like enough.

DOOLITTLE Dont be afraid: she never comes to words with anyone now, poor woman! respectability has broke all the spirit out of her.

PICKERING [ squeezing ELIZA’s elbow gently ] Be kind to them, Eliza. Make the best of it.

LIZA [ forcing a little smile for him through her vexation ] Oh well, just to shew theres no ill feeling. I’ll be back in a moment. [ She goes out ].

DOOLITTLE [ sitting down beside PICKERING ] I feel uncommon nervous about the ceremony, Colonel. I wish youd come and see me through it.

PICKERING But youve been through it before, man. You were married to Eliza’s mother.

DOOLITTLE Who told you that, Colonel?

PICKERING Well, nobody told me. But I concluded — natu — rally —

DOOLITTLE No: that aint the natural way, Colonel: it’s only the middle class way. My way was always the undeserving way. But dont say nothing to Eliza. She dont know: I always had a delicacy about telling her.

PICKERING Quite right. We’ll leave it so, if you dont mind.

DOOLITTLE And youll come to the church, Colonel, and put me through straight?

PICKERING With pleasure. As far as a bachelor can.

MRS. HIGGINS May I come, Mr. Doolittle? I should be very sorry to miss your wedding.

DOOLITTLE I should indeed be honored by your condescension, maam; and my poor old woman would take it as a tremenjous compliment. Shes been very low, thinking of the happy days that are no more.

MRS. HIGGINS [ rising ] I’ll order the carriage and get ready. [The men rise, except HIGGINS ] . I shant be more than fifteen minutes. [ As she goes to the door ELIZA comes in, hatted and buttoning her gloves ]. I’m going to the church to see your father married, Eliza. You had better come in the brougham [229] Horse-drawn closed carriage with the driver outside in front. with me. Colonel Pickering can go on with the bridegroom. MRS. HIGGINS goes out. ELIZA comes to the middle of the room between the centre window and the ottoman. Pickering joins her.

DOOLITTLE Bridegroom! What a word! It makes a man realize his position, somehow. [He takes up his hat and goes towards the door ].

PICKERING Before I go, Eliza, do forgive him and come back to us.

LIZA I dont think papa would allow me. Would you, dad?

DOOLITTLE [sad but magnanimous ] They played you off very cunning, Eliza, them two sportsmen. If it had been only one of them, you could have nailed him. But you see, there was two; and one of them chaperoned the other, as you might say. [To PICKERING] It was artful of you, Colonel; but I bear no malice: I should have done the same myself. I been the victim of one woman after another all my life; and I dont grudge you two getting the better of Eliza. I shant interfere. It’s time for us to go, Colonel. So long, Henry. See you in St. George‘s, Eliza. [He goes out ].

PICKERING [coaxing] Do stay with us, Eliza. [ Hefollows Doolittle ] .

ELIZA goes out on the balcony to avoid being alone with HIGGINS. He rises and joins her there. She immediately comes back into the room and makes for the door; but he goes along the balcony quickly and gets his back to the door before she reaches it.

HIGGINS Well, Eliza, youve had a bit of your own back, as you call it. Have you had enough? and are you going to be reasonable ? Or do you want any more?

LIZA You want me back only to pick up your slippers and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.

HIGGINS I havnt said I wanted you back at all.

LIZA Oh, indeed. Then what are we talking about?

HIGGINS About you, not about me. If you come back I shall treat you just as I have always treated you. I cant change my nature; and I dont intend to change my manners. My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering’s.

LIZA Thats not true. He treats a flower girl as if she was a duchess.

HIGGINS And I treat a duchess as if she was a flower girl.

LIZA I see. [She turns away composedly, and sits on the ottoman, facing the window ]. The same to everybody.

HIGGINS Just so.

LIZA Like father.

HIGGINS [ grinning, a little taken down ] Without accepting the comparison at all points, Eliza, it’s quite true that your father is not a snob, and that he will be quite at home in any station of life to which his eccentric destiny may call him. [ Seriously ] The great secret, Eliza, is not having bad manners or good manners or any other particular sort of manners, but having the same manner for all human souls: in short, behaving as if you were in Heaven, where there are no third-class carriages, and one soul is as good as another.

LIZA Amen. You are a born preacher.