Hanif Kureishi: The Black Album

ShahidJust asking after Zulma.

ChiliYou trying to start me up?

ShahidNo, Chili, I promise.

ChiliSure?

ShahidIt was a family enquiry.

Chili( kisses him ) Enjoy, bro. Soon we’ll really party. And remember, no one envies another a wank.

Chili exits. Chad enters .

ChadHow is he?

ShahidWho?

ChadHonestly, you are lucky enough to be living here beside him, and you’re asking who? Brother Riaz!

ShahidNot bad.

ChadGood, good. There’s some project special to his heart he has to complete. I know he’ll offer me first look soon — it nearing the end. He’s not working too hard?

Shahid shrugs .

There’s a lot to get done.

ShahidWhat exactly is he working on?

ChadPardon?

ShahidI mean is there anything more than normal?

ChadHe can’t talk about it, Shahid.

ShahidI know, I know. But –

ChadHe up to something with the Iranians, that’s all I can say right now. What you said the other day — it touch my heart right through. A man who speaks is like a lion.

A brisk coded knock on the door .

They’re early.

Chad opens the door to a man carrying a green rucksack, which he holds up to Chad .

Wicked. Ta very much, Zia.

The man drops the rucksack (full of meat cleavers, knives, etc.) on the floor, bows and goes away. Chad places the rucksack within reach and starts rifling through Shahid’s clothes .

ShahidWhat are you doing?

ChadI was thinking, you know, the brother never have time for his-self. He wearing same clothes now for a week. It’s important he looks good at the meeting — like a chairman. Or general.

ShahidBut Chad –

ChadWhat now?

ShahidI can’t see him in the Fred Perry.

ChadNo?

ShahidAnd this purple number might make him look effeminate.

ChadWhat?

ShahidLike a poof.

ChadThat won’t do. What you got so many books for?

ShahidI love reading stories.

ChadHow old are you — eight? Aren’t there millions of serious things to be done? Out there … it’s genocide. Rape. Oppression. Murder. The history of the world is slaughter. And you reading stories like some old grandma.

ShahidYou make it sound like I was shooting up heroin.

ChadNice one.

ShahidBut don’t writers try to explain that kind of thing? Just now I’m reading The Possessed –

ChadWhat about the dispossessed, eh? But let’s waste no more time discussing peripheries. We got many real things to accomplish. Hey, where d’you get this Paul Smith shirt?

Shahid( evasive ) A shop in Brighton.

ChadRiaz’ll be thrilled. He like Brighton and he look best in red. You big-hearted, too, like a lion. Riaz was right about you.

Another coded knock .

Now what? Everyone’s in a hurry today.

Hat pokes his head round the door .

HatHey, Shahid, it for you. Popular guy!

ShahidIs it Chili? Say I’m –

HatA lady.

Zulma strides in .

ZulmaHello, Shahid.

ShahidOh, Zulma Auntie, great to see you. What’s up?

ZulmaNever call me Auntie, you damn fool. In some quarters I’m a sex symbol. Here — your ammi asked me to bring your favourite aubergine pakoras.

She hands him the pakoras, wrapped in foil. He stashes them away. Chad shuffles out, taking the rucksack and Hat with him .

ShahidShe shouldn’t have …

ZulmaAnd leave those brain cells unfed? How are the studies coming?

ShahidFine, fine.

ZulmaWorking hard?

ShahidNever harder.

ZulmaMaking friends?

ShahidThe best ever.

ZulmaHave you seen my beloved husband?

ShahidYes.

ZulmaWhen? Where?

ShahidHe popped by to say hello.

ZulmaThat bastard Chili never said hello to anyone. Did he borrow money? What’s his number? My pen is hanging! Where’s he staying at the moment in London? Quickly.

ShahidDon’t you know?

ZulmaI’ve chucked him out until he cleans up. If he can, or wants to.

ShahidWhat do you mean, ‘cleans up’?

ZulmaLet’s just say your ammi worries about him.

ShahidHe’s with his friends. Playing poker all night.

ZulmaWhat the hell, Shahid, which damn friends? You better tell me or I’ll string you up by the balls, okay?

That brother of yours — Papa’s barely got cold and he’s off dreaming.

ShahidI must run to the library. You know Chili doesn’t tell no one what’s what.

ZulmaWhat are you studying?

ShahidPost-colonial literature.

ZulmaNo finer qualification for a travel agent. Are we still colonial after so long, ‘post’ or not? Get a degree — whatever else, make sure you come out qualified, for your ammi’s sake. You haven’t got in with a rotten crowd, have you? Intellectuals or some other such fools?

Shahid( ushering her out ) I’ve got to hand in an essay tomorrow, Auntie.

Zulma( forceful ) Shahid! Your ammi is worried. Get Chili to ring her. He hasn’t been home for weeks.

ShahidI’ll tell him.

ZulmaRemember what Papa always said — working your arse off is the only religion worth the name. Do that, and then go home.

Shahid( ushering her out ) I’ll let you know as soon as I hear from Chili, Auntie. Bye.

Zulma exits. Shahid puts the pakoras away and switches on some music as he does his yoga exercises. Chad enters. For a moment, he’s entranced by the music .

ChadWhat you doin’?

ShahidYoga. It gets me in the mood.

ChadThat Hindu shit will infect your mind.

He turns off the music .

They listen to that Ravi Shankar shit and burn joss sticks. You don’t want to end up like George Harrison, do you? Shahid, I tell you, I used to be an addict — a music addict like you. I listened to it day and night! It was overtaking my soul!

ShahidYou were controlled by music?

ChadI’m talking of the music and fashion industries. Telling us what to wear, where to go, what to listen to. Ain’t we their slaves?

ShahidI’m not living without music. Tell me the truth — you miss it too.

Chad( pointed ) Don’t you want to swim in a clean sea and see by a clear light? Imagine the warm water holding you up!

He hugs Shahid .

Are we dancing monkeys? We have minds and sense. Gimme those Prince records!

ShahidSome of them are imports!

ChadAllah is the only one we must submit to! He put our noses on our face –

ShahidAs opposed to where?