Hanif Kureishi: The Black Album

All( except Shahid ) Allah-u-Akbar!

RiazWe should pray.

ShahidHere?

ChadAllah’s command overtop all others, brother.

RiazWill you join us, Dr Brownlow?

Brownlow( to Riaz ) It w-w-would be an honour. I have papers to mark. This e-e-evening? If you w-w-would lead me?

RiazOf course, of course.

Brownlow leaves .

ShahidWho is Dr Brownlow?

HatTeaches history here. A couple of decades back he was at the Cambridge University –

ChadThe top student of his year.

HatYeah, I’m telling you. He come from the upper middle classes. He could have done any fine thing. They wanted him at Harvard. Or was it Yale, Chad?

ChadHe refused them places down.

HatYeah, he told them to get lost. He hated them all, his own class, his parents — everything. He come to this college to help us, the underprivileged niggers and wogs and margin people. He’s not a bad guy — for a Marxist-Communist –

ChadLeninist –

TahiraTrotskyist –

HatYeah, a Marxist-Communist-Leninist-Trotskyist type. He always strong on anti-racism. Isn’t that right, brother Riaz?

RiazDr Brownlow has a good heart.

ChadProblem is –

Hat( to Shahid ) Yeah, listen — problem is — he been developing this st-st-st-stutter.

ShahidIt’s a new thing then, is it?

HatYeah, it come on since the Communist states of Eastern Europe began collapsing. As each one goes over he get another syllable on his impediment, you know. In a lecture, it took him twenty minutes to get the first word out. He was going h-h-h-he-he … we didn’t know if he was trying to say Helsinki, hear this, help, or what.

ShahidWhat was it?

HatHello.

ChadBy the time Cuba goes he won’t even manage that, I reckon.

TahiraYou met his wife — Deedee Osgood.

ShahidShe’s his wife?

ChadShe his wife.

TahiraKeep away from her.

ShahidWhy?

TahiraRiaz has evidence that her family are nudists.

Beat, as the others consider the comment .

And she always watching Top of the Pops .

ShahidReally?

ChadWithout God-consciousness you can get away with everything. And when that happens you’re lost. Now I know God is watching me. With him seeing every single damn thing, I have to be pretty careful about what I’m up to.

ShahidLike living in a greenhouse?

RiazEverything you do and think is witnessed. Time to pray.

As Riaz and the others get ready to pray, a student walks through the group .

ChadOi — this here our multicultural democratic right, so fuck off!

The student hurries off. Bell rings. Music, as they all disperse. Shahid returns to his digs, putting away his copy of The Satanic Verses.

Shahid’s digs. Evening. Shahid is dressing to go out. A knock on the door .

ShahidCome.

Chad enters .

ChadHey, going somewhere, yaar?

ShahidNa, just a function, you know, student thing.

ChadGood, good. We need the room — expecting many more people coming to our meeting tonight.

Hat barges in .

HatHey, Shahid, there’s someone looking for you.

ShahidWho?

HatHe wearing crocodile shoes.

Shahid( quickly ) Please, Hat, say I had to go out.

ChadHat don’t tell no lies.

ShahidSorry?

HatNo, I’m training to be an accountant.

Enter Chili, smartly dressed .

ChiliHow you doing, baby brother? Hug me, babe. Toot sweet.

They hug .

ShahidChad, Hat, this is my brother Chili.

HatHi.

They shake hands .

Chili shakes hands with Chad, who then sniffs his fingers and makes a face at Hat, as they leave .

ChiliWhere the hell to sit?

Shahid gathers the manuscript to take to Deedee’s .

Why are you being in a hurry with me, brother?

ShahidI’m not.

ChiliYou tapping your foot.

ShahidI got an appointment, Chili.

ChiliPussy?

ShahidNo! A tutor from the college.

ChiliAh-ha. You’re starting to pull — the family is delighted. Remember what Uncle Asif always said: ‘Your country’s gone to the wogs, boys! Pakistanis in England now have to do everything — win the sports, present the news, run the shops and businesses, as well as fuck the women. You’ve got the brown man’s burden.’

ShahidWhich you take on personally.

ChiliCool trousers. Tartan suits you. They’re not mine, are they?

ShahidNo.

ChiliWhere’s my red shirt?

ShahidWhat?

ChiliPapa would be pleased. He always admired your brains. Got some jimmi hat?

Shahid is mystified .

( Explaining .) Rubbers. Johnnies. You don’t want no baby’s mama just yet, bro. Not still doing that scribbling, are you?

ShahidWhat do you mean?

ChiliI’ll give you a slap if you waste your time like that. How the hell will you ever look relatives in the face?

He feints a slap at Shahid, but turns it into a caress .

That big boy, is he a new friend of yours?

ShahidChad? Yes.

ChiliTell him if he sniffs his fingers at me again his children’s children will feel the pain.

ShahidOkay. What do you want, Chili?

ChiliWhat is the world coming to, when a man can’t visit his baby brother?

ShahidYou haven’t shown much concern before.

ChiliYou know what Papa said to me before he died? ‘Take care of the boy, don’t let him go down, Chili.’

ShahidHe called me a bloody eunuch fool for reading Shelley to Sarah on my first date!

Chili laughs .

ChiliI’m widening horizons — expanding the business. Can’t have only you exploiting the riches of this city. When you’re done at the college, I’m taking you on as a partner — that’s a promise. Between us, we’ll hoover up all the money this town’s flashing at whoever cares to look. It’ll be just like Karachi, being chauffeured in Uncle Asif’s Merc. I’ve got a Beamer, now, five series.

ShahidYou need serious cash to have a chauffeur.

ChiliBro, if you can’t dream, you won’t get. — I need a place to shack in.

ShahidSome of the friends might be using the room for their meetings.

ChiliCan’t see that big boy staying awake after midnight. She a feminist? Bad luck. They tell you your prick’s too small –

Shahid( interrupting ) How is your wife, by the way?

Chili( fiercely ) What the hell you saying?