Brian Lane - Mind Games with a Serial Killer

The mother of a girlfriend in my youth made the most delicious Tuna Patty Melts I had ever tasted. I practically begged her for the recipe, but nothing I said would get her to share that secret with me. I had left that girlfriend (and my youth) far behind before I attempted to duplicate that wonderful taste I remembered. Friends who have eaten these ( and enjoyed them) will possibly curse me if they find out what one of the ingredients are. That they ate them of their own accord is beside the point. The fact is, they hate that particular item. My remedy—? Don’t tell them what’s in it, just let them try it. If they like it, fine! If they don’t, there’s more for me!

4 cans Chicken of the Sea® Tuna Fish in Spring Water

2 cups seasoned fine Bread Crumbs

1 Jalapeño Pepper, diced

4 Anchovy fillets (flat type), chopped

2 large Egg Whites, slightly beaten

1 small stewing Onion, diced

1 tablespoon Parsley Flakes

2 tablespoons Garlic Salt

2 teaspoons Ginseng Powder

1 tablespoon Chili Powder

1 tablespoon Barbeque Sauce Country Crock® tub Butter

In a large bowl, combine all of the ingredients and 1 tablespoon of the Butter. Mix thoroughly until all ingredients are damp and form into balls easily. Using waxed paper, form the mixture into 24 patties, separated by small stretches of that waxed paper. Fry lightly, in a large frypan, adding butter as needed, until both sides of the patties are golden brown. Patties can be frozen and microwaved before eating. Serve warm with salt and/or pepper to taste or eat cold as a snack. Can even be placed between slices of bread with cheese and other condiments.

I came up with this recipe one night when I lit the barbeque for the chicken and it was put out by a sudden rainstorm. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a lid for my hibachi and the chicken was already cut-up to cook. My girlfriend said she’d fry it. I said no, that I had promised to cook barbequed chicken. She was mystified, but she left me to what she considered an impossibility. When I served dinner, she raved about the taste and how the meat just fell off the bones. From that point on, she preferred barbequed chicken barbequed this way!

8 pieces Chicken

½ cup Hickory Smoke Barbeque Sauce

¼ cup Country Crock® tub Butter

2 tablespoons Best Foods® Mayonaise

1 tablespoon French’s® Mustard

¼ cup Sweet Pickle Relish, drained

4 fresh Mushrooms, diced

¼ cup Green Olives w/Pimentos, quartered

1 tablespoon Lemon Juice

1 teaspoon Malt Vinegar

3 tablespoons Honey

Chili Powder, to taste

Onion Powder, to taste

Barbeque Seasoning, to taste

Hickory Smoke Salt, to taste

Garlic Salt, to taste

Into a saucepan, stir together the Barbeque Sauce, Mayonaise, Mustard, Lemon Juice, Malt Vinegar and the Honey. Stirring often, heat over medium heat until bubbles begin to appear, then remove from heat. Place two stretches of aluminum foil in an “X” on your work surface with three or four pieces of Chicken in the center. Liberally brush the chicken with the barbeque mixture. Spoon Butter around the pieces of chicken, then sprinkle the Pickle Relish, Mushroom and Olive pieces over the chicken.

OPTION 1—Sprinkle the five seasoning spices over the chicken now. (Or wait ’til option 2.) Fold foil over chicken, double-wrapping it completely. Bake in oven preheated to 350°, for fifty minutes. After 50 minutes, carefully open the top of the foil, exposing the chicken, but allowing a reservoir around the chicken for the juices to remain. Daub barbeque mixture over chicken again.

OPTION2—Sprinkle the five seasoning spices over the chicken now. Place chicken, left open, back into the oven for 10 minutes. Remove chicken from foil and place on platter (salt and pepper to taste). Pour juices from foil into saucepan with barbeque mixture. Reheat sauce for 5 minutes over medium heat, stirring often. Remove from heat and use as dip for chicken.

That’s right—Barbequed ’Burgers! I know, everyone knows how to fix these and has their own way of doing it. Well, it’s entirely possible that not everyone will like the way I fix them. No bragging intended, but I haven’t met them as yet. The way I cook ’burgers even converted one very stubborn young lady from eating only those made the way her Daddy cooked them, to preferring mine instead. When she saw the way I was making up the patties, she claimed her Daddy didn’t make them that way, so she wouldn’t be having any. She changed her mind when guests began raving about the taste and wanted my recipe. She said she’d try just one bite… She ate four! Then she tried to tell her daddy that he was making them wrong!

1½ pounds Lean Ground Beef

½ cup fine Unseasoned Bread Crumbs

½ cup uncooked Oatmeal

3 large fresh Mushrooms, diced

¼ cup Sweet Pickle Relish, drained

½ pound Monterey Jack Cheese finely shredded

American Cheese, 2 slices per Burger

1 tablespoon Minced Onion

1 cup Hickory Smoke Barbeque Sauce

1 ounce Lemon Juice

1 tablespoon Onion Powder

1 tablespoon Garlic Salt

2 tablespoons Barbeque Seasoning

2 tablespoons Hickory Smoke Salt

In a saucepan, combine the Barbeque Sauce, Lemon Juice, Onion Powder, Garlic Salt, Barbeque Seasoning and Hickory Smoke Salt. Cook the mixture over medium heat until bubbles begin to appear, stirring often, then reduce heat and simmer 10 minutes.

Remove from heat and coven Place Ground Beef in large bowl and knead in the Bread Crumbs, Oatmeal, Mushrooms, Pickle Relish, Minced Onion and Monterey Jack Cheese, Add ¼ cup of the bar-beque mixture and knead it thoroughly into the meat. Form meat mixture into patties about ¼ inch to ½ inch thick each. Cook over a barbeque grill to the desired texture (rare, medium, well-done). Brush additional barbeque mixture on each side of the patties as it is cooking. Place 2 slices of American Cheese on each pattie 30 to 45 seconds before removing patties from grill. Serve on heated buns or bread slices. Salt and pepper to taste.

Special Sauce Garnish: Mix together ¼ cup of Thousand Island salad dressing, 3 tablespoons Catsup, 2 tablespoons Best Foods® Mayonaise, 2 tablespoons French’s® Mustard, 1 teaspoon Worcestershire Sauce, 2 teaspoons bacon bits, 1 teaspoon Chili Powder, 1 teaspoon Hickory Smoke Salt and 1 teaspoon Malt Vinegar. Blend all ingredients with mixer set on low for five minutes. Spread generous dollop on both sides of buns before placing cooked pattie on them. Store sauce in sealed container in refrigerator. Makes enough for 2 dozen cheeseburgers.

Mothers everywhere run into problems getting their kids to eat certain vegetables. A friend of mine had that problem with four daughters. She asked me if I knew of any tricks to get kids to eat vegies. I told her to disguise them so they looked and tasted like something else. I came up with this recipe for her. Almost any vegetable can be incorporated into it. Those which I have listed here are vegetables that I’m fond of. By the way, broccoli and cauliflower just don’t make it!

2 pounds Lean Ground Beef

1 cup fine unseasoned Bread Crumbs

2 large Egg Whites

8 ounces Tomato Sauce

1 small Stewing Onion, finely diced

1 small Green Bell Pepper, diced

4 fresh Mushrooms, diced

2 tablespoons Corn Starch