Kirshenbaum, Mira - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

If that happened for you at any point in the book, you’ve found your truth, and it’s pointed to the fact that your relationship is too bad to stay in You wanted the truth, and that’s the truth that was there for you all the time, waiting for you to discover it.

Let me be very definite about something:

Your relationship is too bad to stay in as long as your

answer to any question produced a guideline that said that

most people who gave that answer were happy they left

and unhappy they stayed.

If that’s the case, you don’t need any other information. Just because other questions don’t point you toward the exits doesn’t change the fact that your answer to this particular question does point you toward the exits. One clear negative sign is all you need, and it doesn’t matter what all the other signs say. That’s the way diagnostics work to end confusion and ambivalence.

What about clarity on the other side, seeing whether your relationship is too good to leave? The answer is this:

Your relationship is too good to leave if no guideline points

to the fact that it’s too bad to stay in.

It’s as simple as that.

No doubt you’ll feel reassured if your answer to one of the questions produced a guideline that said most people in your situation were happy they stayed and unhappy they left. That would be a sign there were special strengths in your relationship, and that certainly would be powerful confirmation that your relationship is too good to leave. But you don’t need that confirmation. As long as there were no exit signs, then that definitely says stay: you’ve got a relationship that can give you what you need and feel satisfying to you once you recommit to it.

You probably find this new-won clarity is pretty emotional and a bit breathtaking. For some people it takes a while for it to sink in. That’s okay. If you need to, go back through the book to confirm that you would answer all the questions the same way. Give yourself whatever time you need to accept what you’ve discovered.

Whether your new clarity points to staying or leaving, you’re not quite finished with this book yet. I still need to talk to you for a moment about what’s ahead for you.

19

Next Steps

Okay. You’ve found what you were looking for: an understanding of whether you’ll be happiest staying or leaving. Either way, you’re starting a new life. That’s what’s good about this kind of clarity. It makes it possible for you to get on with the rest of your life without the wet blanket of ambivalence.

Let me help you get started with the emotional part of this.

IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP Is TOO BAD TO STAY IN

It’s very hard to say good-bye to someone who was important to you. But when you make the decision that’s right for you, you can feel confident about expecting good things in your future.

You need to know you did the best you could with what you had to work with. It’s just that the raw material of this relationship wasn’t what you needed to bring forth the happiness you deserve. You could only say you’d failed if you’d planted a seed in fertile soil. But if you dropped that seed on a rock, it’s the rock, not you, that prevented the seed from growing. I’m not saying that rock was necessarily your partner; it might just have been the way the two of you fit together.

I understand that you’re having many feelings now that go along with acknowledging a relationship is over. And among them is the feeling of sadness. Of course you’re entitled to all of your feelings. But it’s important that you know what they mean. And what does it mean that you’ve spent months or years saying, “I just want clarity,” and then are overwhelmed with sadness when you finally get that clarity and it points to leaving?

The most important thing for you to know is that your sadness doesn’t mean that the truth you’ve found isn’t your truth. If it’s best for you to leave, then feeling sad at the thought of leaving doesn’t change things. Your sadness is not new information about whether you should stay or leave. Instead, it’s a natural response to your loss.

So let yourself have your sadness, but don’t let it suck you back into the relationship ambivalence you’ve worked so hard to get out of. Stay clear in your own mind that it’s best for you to leave and give your sadness time to subside.

This is a time when you’ll be feeling lots of feelings. No matter what you feel—guilt, liberation, rage, hope, disappointment, joy—assume your feelings are normal and natural. Make sure you get the support you need. But don’t let any of your feelings take away the clarity you’ve found.

What’s next for you? I’m sure you have hopes and fears for the future. Your hopes are an important source of energy for you. You’re probably looking forward to saying good-bye to all the pain and difficulty. And you’re probably looking forward to new opportunities in your new life. And you’re right to have these hopes.

But you just wouldn’t be human if you weren’t nervous about what awaits you too. You’re probably concerned about what will happen when you tell your partner you want to end the relationship. You’d like to have the breakup occur without all hell breaking loose. And you probably have fears about what awaits you in starting your new life.

For all these concerns, you need to hear what most people have said who’ve gone through what you’re about to go through: it was hard, but it was worth it, and if you use your head you can get through it without your worst fears coming true.

Our work together here is finished, but there are some wonderful books that can help people in your situation. They deal with the emotions that come up in saying good-bye, the emotional and practical realities of unhitching your life from someone else’s, the legalities of divorce, and the experience of living on your own. Let me recommend some of these books and leave you in the hands of these fine people to take you through your next steps:

Coming Apart by Daphne Rose Kingma (Fawcett, 1987). This book is good with the emotional part of letting go.

The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons (Harper Perennial, 1995). If you’re going to get a divorce, you might as well do it right. This book will show you how.

Our Turn: The Good News About Women and Divorce by Christopher Hayes, Deborah Anderson, and Melinda Blau (Pocket, 1993). If you’re afraid of what awaits you on the other side, there’s solid reassurance here.

Uncoupling by Diane Vaughan (Vintage, 1990). This helps with lingering questions of “How did it happen?”

There’s no need to limit yourself to these books. Your bookstore and library will probably have others you’ll find helpful. And it’s important in this next period to get all the help you need.

Looking Forward

Expect good times ahead. Remember: the guideline that pointed you toward the exit said that most people who answered the question the way you did were happy they left and unhappy they stayed. I want you to feel the full weight of that. Leaving in itself may be hard, but, having seen your truth you’ll be happy you acted on it.

Of course, there are no guarantees in life. People are just too complex for anyone to offer such a guarantee. But happiness was the general outcome for people in your situation and you should expect that happiness will be the outcome for you.

And you’re right to expect happiness whether you enter a new relationship soon or you’re on your own for a period of time. Most people look forward to falling in love at some point with the right person. But the truth you discovered about your relationship is such that you’ll be happier on your own than if you stay with your current partner.