Kirshenbaum, Mira - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Table of Contents

Copyright Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Part I - THE PROBLEM

Chapter 1 - Is You Is or Is You Ain’t My Baby?

Chapter 2 - Dancing in the Dark

Part II - THE SOLUTION

Chapter 3 - Enough Is Enough

Chapter 4 - It’s Too Late, Baby

Chapter 5 - Let’s Do It, Let’s Fall in Love

Chapter 6 - You’ve Got a Hold on Me

Chapter 7 - Talk to Me

Chapter 8 - What Is This Thing Called Love?

Chapter 9 - It Don’t Mean a Thing If It Ain’t Got That Swing

Chapter 10 - All the Things You Are

Chapter 11 - Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off

Chapter 12 - You Say “Tomayto,” I Say “Tomahto”

Chapter 13 - If Ever I Should Leave You

Chapter 14 - R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Chapter 15 - Who’s Sorry Now?

Chapter 16 - I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Chapter 17 - Love To Love You, Baby

Chapter 18 - I’ve Got You Under My Skin

Chapter 19 - Next Steps

INDEX

PRAISE FOR

TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY

“A wise, compassionate, and very readable book. It will bless many lives.”

—Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People

“Kirshenbaum’s expertise allows her to pinpoint the pertinent questions.... And threaded through the book, which is written in a sympathetic, chatty, accessible style, are validating anecdotes that dramatize how other people have experienced and responded to the same problems the reader is going through.”

— Publishers Weekly

“Braving her detailed questions about power, betrayal, communication, respect, intimacy, sex, and love can transform the frustration of being stuck into a decision that feels right.”

— Booklist

“Packed with meaty case histories.”

— New York Daily News

“No fairy dust here, but a real chance for healing what Kirshenbaum calls ‘the pain and waste of relationship ambivalence.’”

— Minneapolis Star Tribune

“Interesting reading and helpful in the way a good therapist can be helpful—by asking the right questions, by clarifying the answers.”

—Olga Silverstein, family therapist, author of The Courage to Raise Good Men

MIRA KIRSHENBAUM is a psychotherapist in private practice and the clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Massachusetts, where much of the research for this book was conducted. The coauthor, with Charles Foster, Ph.D., of Parent-Teen Breakthrough (also available in a Plume edition), she lives in Boston.

Also by Mira Kirshenbaum

Parent/Teen Breakthrough: The Relationship Approach

(with Charles Foster, Ph.D.)

PLUME

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Books USA Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.

Penguin Books Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane, London W8 5TZ, England

Penguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood, Victoria, Australia

Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2

Penguin Books (N.Z.) Ltd, 182-190 Wairau Road, Auckland 10, New Zealand

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England

Published by Plume, an imprint of Dutton Signet, a division of Penguin Books USA Inc.

Previously published in a Dutton edition.

First Plume Printing, July, 1997

Copyright © Mira Kirshenbaum, 1996

All rights reserved

REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA

The Library of Congress has catalogued the Dutton edition as follows: Kirshenbaum, Mira.

Too good to leave, too bad to stay : a step-by-step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship / Mira Kirshenbaum.

p. cm.

Includes index.

eISBN : 978-1-101-12832-9

1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Relationship addiction.

I. Title.

HQ801.K57 1996

646.7’8—dc20 95-53003

CIP

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

BOOKS ARE AVAILABLE AT QUANTITY DISCOUNTS WHEN USED TO PROMOTE PRODUCTS OR SERVICES. FOR INFORMATION PLEASE WRITE TO PREMIUM MARKETING DIVISION, PENGUIN BOOKS USA INC., 375 HUDSON STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10014.

To my most important teachers: my patients. You have shared your lives with me over the years and I’m eternally grateful for everything I’ve learned from you; for your dedication to health; for how hard you work to find happiness; for your willingness to learn lessons I know are tough; for your trust.

To my mother. I know how much you’ve accomplished, and I know how hard you’ve struggled. I wish I could have helped you when you needed it most, but I was too young. Thank you for inspiring me to believe I could help others. Thank you for inspiring in me the desire to learn the truth about love.

And to my daughters. You’re the best, and you deserve a world of love.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This is a book about truth and love. It would not have been possible without the work of Dr. Charles Foster. Every word here is the product of a fifty/fifty collaboration between us. His research, insights, and ideas fill this book. We are full partners in everything. Because of him, in every way this search for the truth has been a labor of love.

I’m profoundly grateful to all the individuals whose lives and stories went into the research for Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. They were amazingly open and helpful, and what we’ve learned from them constitutes the bricks out of which this book is built.

There are many people I must mention if I’m to thank them properly. The debt I owe each of them makes me wish I could do more, in this small space, than list their names. These people are, one way or another, colleagues, teachers, heroes, friends who’ve given something specific to me, personally or professionally, through the years here at Chestnut Hill and elsewhere. They may not even realize the value of what they’ve done for me, but it played some role in making these pages possible. To all of them I say thank you: Louise Bates Ames, Shaye Areheart, Lisa Bankoff, Susan Bickelhaupt, Ruth Bork, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Alexia Dorszynski, Barry Dym, Dorothy Firman, Roger Fisher, Betty Friedan, Diana Huss Green, Jennifer Hack, Jay Haley, Jules Henry, Kathleen Huntington, Allan Kaprow, Alfred Kazin, Michael Kirshenbaum, Mary Jo Kochakian, Rabbi Harold Kushner, Eda LeShan, Richard Marek, Amy Mintzer, Salvador Minuchin, Nancy Moscatillo, Eli Newberger, Maury Povich, Cynthia Roe, Izzy Rudski, Ann Ruethling, Kim Schaffer, Gitta Sereny, Myron Sharaf, Judith Sills, Ivy Fischer Stone, Richard Stuart, Walter Watson, Paul Watzlawick, Rosa Wexler, Robert White, Elie Wiesel, Beth Winship, and Harold Zyskind.

Some people are sadly no longer alive to hear my gratitude for what they’ve given me. But I feel I must nonetheless express my thanks to Fred Avery, Gregory Bateson, Herbert Berghof, Martin Buber, Paul Goodman, Walter Green, Don Jackson, Pearl Karch, Virginia Satir, and Isaac Bashevis Singer.