Steve Andreas: Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

When I do this, the location shifts from in the center of my head for "I am — " to a location outside my head and about a foot to the left of my left ear for "You are — " This is true even when I don't have an image of anyone saying those words. When the voice is in my head, I feel a little unsettled or wiggly, as if I don't quite know who I am. Am I the voice, or am I my feelings in response to the voice? Since they are in conflict, it is hard to identify with either one. But when the voice is out to the side, the separation between the two sides of the conflict — between the voice and my feeling in response — is much clearer. The voice is someone else, and my feelings are mine, and I feel more solid about who I am.

Now if you ask, "Who is speaking to you in this way," or "Who does that voice belong to?" that makes an even clearer separation between you and the voice that is speaking to you. This separation is not just a matter of making an intellectual distinction between self and other; it actually increases your experience of separation in space. This greater separation will usually lessen the intensity of your feeling, because a danger or challenge that is farther away from you is less immediately threatening. You can easily confirm this in your own experience. Think of a troublesome voice, and first notice what it says… .

Then notice whether it says, "I am — " or "You are — " …

If it says, "I am — " change it to "You are — " as in the previous experiment… .

Next identify who is speaking to you in this way, and notice if you have an image of this person who is speaking to you. (If you can't immediately identify whose voice this is, ask yourself, "If I did know, who would it be?) …

Many people will spontaneously get an image of the speaker as a way to identify who it is. If you already have an image of them, notice what it is like to hear the same voice with or without this image… .

Usually a voice with an image will be farther away in physical location than a voice without an image. Even when this is not the case, your sense of separation is likely to be stronger, and your sense of who you are will feel more solid.

That image of the speaker will usually be seen outside the person. If that doesn't happen spontaneously, say to yourself, "Can you remember when this person spoke to you in this way," and you will usually see the other person outside yourself as you retrieve a memory of a specific event, in a specific context.

This image of the person who is speaking may be directly in front of you, or it may be somewhat off to the side, or less often even behind you. But wherever they are located, they will usually be facing toward you. Often your image of this other person will also be somewhat higher than you are, in a position of power or authority.

When they are facing you, there is an implicit message of conflict or confrontation, rather than cooperation; if they are higher than you, you will likely feel weaker and less powerful. Changing their location, the direction that they are facing, and their height in relation to you, can be used to indirectly change the conflict or confrontation into something more equal and cooperative, joining with it, rather than confronting it.

For instance, if you think now of a troublesome voice, and who it is that is speaking to you in this way, notice where that person is located in your personal space, whether they are speaking toward you, rather than in some other direction, and if they are higher or lower than you are… .

Now change that person's location from wherever you saw them, to being beside you at the same level, facing in the same direction, as if you were sitting together discussing something that is in front of both of you, and continue your verbal interaction with this person — what do they say now, and what do you say in response? …

Notice if this change to sitting together facing in the same direction makes any change in the content of what that person says, or the tone of voice that they use, and if there is any change in your feeling response to what they say… .

In this position usually that other person will become more cooperative, and less argumentative or confrontational. Their voice may become softer or slower, or they may be more willing to listen to what you have to say in response, and you may notice parallel changes in your own response. Your unpleasant feelings will likely become less intense, and they may also change in quality. For instance you may be confused rather than angry, or interested rather than annoyed… .

When you realize the impact of this kind of change in location, you can use it to change your response to a voice. Below is a particularly graceful way to do this, described by Andrew T. Austin in his wonderful book, The Rainbow Machine. (9)

One technique I use a lot that has produced some results that are sometimes as dramatic as the Core Transformation process (2) came from something a psychotherapist told me that sounds much like something Virginia Satir (8) might have done — maybe I read it in one of her books. In doing family therapy, she had a family where the conflict was between the father and his 17–year–old son. The father was a "strong" and stoical man, for whom expressing emotion was not an easy or desirable skill.

She told the son to get up and stand behind the seated father and gently place a hand on each of his father's shoulders in order to "feel and relieve some of the tension there." Apparently this made a huge change in the relationship between father and son, so naturally it got me thinking about how this could be used for an individual, when the father or someone else is not present.

As I have mentioned previously, the internal representations of problem people are rarely, if ever, radiating beauty and light. I'll often ask what the expression on their face is, and what their posture is. Then I'll ask the client to imagine walking behind that person and gently placing a hand on each shoulder and giving just a little gentle massage to loosen them up a bit. As the client imagines touching them, this also shifts their kinesthetic feelings. Usually the representation itself changes, relaxes, or even starts crying. For instance:

Client: "I feel criticized."

Therapist: "What has to happen inside for you to feel criticized?" (Since criticism is a largely verbal activity. I could have asked, "And who criticizes you, and what do they say?")

C: "I hear a voice."

T: "And if that voice were a person, who would that be?'

C: "My father. My father was always criticizing me; he had a horrible voice like that." (The client has not seen father for over 14 years.)

T: "And if your father were in the room now, where would he be?"

C: "Standing right in front of me, really close, facing me."

T: "That's right. Now close your eyes. I want you to imagine walking around behind him, and gently place one hand on each of his shoulders and gently massage those shoulders. Whisper into one ear that is close enough to hear you, to 'Relax now… all the way.'… Tell him it's OK,… it's OK, … Give him a few moments to relax, all the way down now… ." Try this now yourself; think of someone you felt inferior to as a child, and hold that representation in mind. Then stand up, go around behind them, and gently massage their shoulders and notice the difference… .

This is a nice maneuver that achieves several things simultaneously. Primarily it completely shifts the spatial orientation of the client in relation to the representation. Instead of facing each other in opposition, they become oriented in the same direction, with implications of alliance and cooperation. In addition, massaging someone's shoulders and talking to them in this way presupposes a much more friendly relationship than criticism does, opening the door to a more understanding attitude.