Igor Yevtishenkov - Collection of Stories

“Hey! Look out! The steps are crumbling and rotten. You’d be better off not going upstairs!”

“Oh my god! It hurts! You were right! I seem to have twisted my ankle. I can barely walk on it!”

“You, dimwit! Bite the bullet! I’m not carrying you.”

“I saw a bike by the fence. Maybe I could take it and ride off?”

“Sure, go ahead!”

“All they concentrate on in the day-centre, is saying ‘ Eat up!’ or ‘ Drink up!’ or ‘What am I going to do with the leftovers?’ Nightmare. ‘ Mustn’t grumble! Get it out of your head!’ The nanny is awful but the autumn is awesome. Lighten up!”

“I can’t. It’s terrible. When I sneeze, no one says “ Bless you!” I heard her complaining yesterday “ They pissed me off!” She called us “Old farts.”

“That’s what we are, old chap. Never mind! The worst is yet to come. So take your pills and a well-earned rest. Unlike me, at least you can walk out of here. Enjoy yourself!

Singer: “ Take it away, maestro! One, two, three!”

A pianist starts playing. As the song comes to the chorus, the singer encourages the audience: “Come on everyone – sing together!

Mother: Sonny, where are my keys?

Her son: Search me! I’m going out now.

Mother: Wait! Have you done your homework for tomorrow?

He son: You’re like a broken record. Quit nagging me! I’ll do it later. Get over it!

Mother: You, stupid kid! I’ll sortyou outwhen you get back!

Brian: It’s already April. Roll onJuly! Can’t wait for it to get here. We are going to spend our holiday on Bali.

Jennifer: Dream on! It costs a fortune. Where will you get that kind of money?

Brian: You’ve got to be joking? I work hard and save every month.

Jennifer: Really? That’s laugh! A dollar a month? Your paintings don’t pay the bills. Talent never pays the bills. It’s me who does! So grow up! Straighten up and fly right! You are not a student anymore. Find a better job and start earning some money.

Brian: Hold on!I could borrow it from the Stevensons…

Jennifer: Cut it out! You are talking crap. Who’ll pay it back then? My mother was right – you’re nothing but a lazy bastard and I shouldn’t have married you.

Brian: Cut it out, will you! You and your mother are always having a go at me and my patience is wearing thin.

Jennifer: Bollocks! Don’t tell me I’ve insulted you? Go on! Don’t tell me you’re insulted.

Brian: Shut up! I’m off to paint another picture. Leave me alone!

Jennifer: Thick as two short planks. Don’t worry, genius, I’ll leave you in peace. After all, someone’s got to do the shopping and cooking, haven’t they?

Boy: Give me the lollypop! I want it!

Girl: It’s mine! Don’t touch it! Get off!

Boy: Easy, easy! You might rip my t-shirt.

Girl: Hands off!

Teacher: Hey, kids! Keep it down!

I can’t hear what the bus driver’s saying.

Boy: Did you hear her? Shut up!

Girl: You, loony, belt upand push off! It’s my candy!

Teacher: Calm down, kids! We are getting on the bus. Come along!

My granny used to tell me she had to go to the market every day to buy fresh meat and vegetables for dinner. It was before the refrigerator was invented. Traditionally, eating was something that all family members did together because there was no chance to grab a bite or have a snack on the go like nowadays. In the past, most parents insisted that the whole family sat around the dining table at a certain time. They prayed and tried to act politely while eating. Even my mother used to tell me, “When my lunch is at its peak, I’m deaf and mute, so please don’t speak.” I can’t hear it today among my friends and it is most unlikely that I will say it to my kids.

Technical inventions have dramatically changed our habits and behavior. Usually we watch TV, smartphones or tablet PCs while we eat; we don’t share breakfast and lunch with our family and eat at different times. Microwaves have changed the way we cook and today it’s easy to do it in seconds without having to wait until your parents come back home from work. I know that it’s very rare for a lot of my friends’ families to sit at the table together and share their news over a good meal. Moreover, the thought of cooking for someone at home makes them nervous and anxious, for guests in particular. If it happens, the day turns into a nightmare and the hosts don’t feel happy at all. So, most prefer having snacks and lunch outside and ordering pizza or other convenience food has become quite natural. That’s why, times change, but not necessarily for the better.

I like throwing a dinner party for my friends. Yesterday I prepared a chicken casserole and put it in the freezer to make sure it did not go off. I took it out of the freezer in the morning and defrostedit. Then I putthe chicken onand made a salad of lettuce, cheese, pickled carrot and ham. I heated upthe casserole, making sure that it did not boil overand asked my boyfriend to pop outfor some drinks.

The birthday was great, my mother helped me set the table and handed roundplates with snacks and salad. My brother poured outdrinks. As anyone needed a refill, he immediately came up and topped uptheir glasses. I served the main dish and all my friends dug in to pork and mashed potatoes. It was Daisy who didn’t touch her food.

“Why are you picking atthe salad?” my brother asked her.

“Now she’s gonna say she pigged outon pizza this morning’, her boyfriend said gleefully and winked at him. “She thinks she needs to lose weight. So she has to cut down onfatty food’.

Soon he polished offboth plates and happily smiled. He said it wentwell withthe salad and everyone agreed. I started passingbiscuits and gateau roundwhile everyone else went outside to chat and let their dinner digest.

As we had nothing to eat the next day, I decided to get a takeaway. I ordered a sea-food pizza, my favourite. My brother says that I live onpizza because I adore it and eat it so often. I don’t argue because we have no leftovers. He will have to put up with my choice. I can’t be bothered cutting uponion, taking offtomato skins, chopping, boiling and frying all that in the morning. No way! I’m not cut out for it!