The Captain - Fucking History - 52 Lessons You Should Have Learned in School

You see, Hannah wasn’t about to just sit back and let them get away with all this. Hannah, like most moms, was a fighter. So that’s what she did: fought. After days of being forced to march through the snow, she seized an opportunity to shake shit up as her captors were sleeping. What exactly did she do? Well, she escaped her restraints, got ahold of an axe, and FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT — single-handedly killing 10 warriors, and sending the others running for the hills — you know, like your last boyfriend ran from the truth and responsibilities.

Now, if Hannah’s not the definition of a “bad bitch,” I honestly don’t know what is. Following her rampage, she then helped the other captives escape and led them to a farmhouse, where they were able to seek shelter until they had the strength to make the 30-mile trek back home. (Talk about a shitty camping trip.)

So, the next time somebody wrongs you, don’t be afraid to harness your inner Mrs. Duston and go absolutely apeshit. Also, this story proves something I was once told by a good friend: “Postpartum hormones are nothing to fuck with.”

Maybe your current girlfriend gave you the kick in the ass you needed to pursue a new job, maybe she provided you with the tough love you needed to stop being such a piece of shit, or maybe she’s just really good at building up your manhood and making you believe your dick is bigger than it is — ultimately, leading to a better sex life. My point: A lot of good things in life wouldn’t happen without men receiving the proper motivation (or inspiration) from their girlfriend, wife, and other women in their lives. And, here’s fucking proof.

The year was 1943, and a young maître d’ named Ignacio Anaya had no idea he was about to change history when a group of hungry, demanding military wives from Fort Duncan entered his restaurant in Piedras Negras, Mexico. What exactly happened? Well, on that particular day at the Victory Club, the chef was nowhere to be found. So, Ignacio, immediately recognizing how fucking dangerous a group of hungry women could be, knew that only he could prevent impending disaster. Not being one to shy away from a challenge, he stepped up to the plate.

He went into the back kitchen, found some tortilla chips, found some cheese, sliced some jalapeños, stacked everything together, threw it in an oven — and just like that — he became the father of nachos. Yep, it was that easy. Why the name nachos? Equally as easy: “Nacho” was Ignacio’s nickname. (But after all this, I like to think women began calling him “Nacho Daddy.” Something like, “Yeah… Yeah… Put your cheese right there, Nacho Daddy.”)

I, for one, could not be more grateful for what these women inspired Ignacio to accomplish on that day, because I’ve never seen a nacho plate I didn’t want to impregnate. Anyway, word of his creation eventually snuck across the border to Texas, where it quickly became a baseball stadium staple (you see, immigration is a good thing). Now, who knows, had it not been for those hungry women, mankind may have never invented nachos. We’d all be eating celery like a bunch of fucking idiots.

So, ladies, the next time you’re hungry and giving your boyfriend attitude, let him know you’re just trying to motivate him to actually do something with his fucking life — like Ignacio did when he fathered nachos.

Traveling, drinking, fighting, and prostitution — just another day in the life of infamous Chinese pirate Captain Cheng I. (Let’s not get into the differences of Cantonese and other Chinese dialects; I’m dramatically simplifying these names down for you.)

You see, Cheng commanded one of the largest documented pirate fleets in history, ransacking much of the South China Sea he called home. But, even Cheng wanted more from life, so in 1801, he married a prostitute who went by the name “Cheng I Sao.” Basically, “Wife of Cheng.” Not only was she fucking gorgeous, she was also equally as good at handling a sword as she was at handling a dick. Oh, and she was EXTREMELY business savvy. Together, the husband-and-wife team pillaged and plundered for six years. Expanding their joint empire until the year 1807, the year Captain Cheng died.

Was this the end of their pirate dynasty? Nope, it was only the beginning. Cheng I Sao assumed the leadership role and picked up right where her husband had left off. Only now, she was going by the name “Ching Shih” because she was no longer somebody’s wife.

Ching Shih continued to build her empire with brute force and sharp wit. She also played dudes like the dumbasses they are when around an attractive woman. (You know, like smart bartenders and servers do.) And, within a few years, Ching Shih became the most powerful pirate in history — controlling more than 1,500 ships and a crew of 80,000 men.

She was like Beyoncé, but with street cred and more boats. In fact, she was so smart and so powerful that the Chinese government eventually gave up trying to defeat her. In 1810, the government offered her complete amnesty if she would simply retire. So, she did. As part of the deal, she was allowed to keep all her money, all her fame, and all her power. (Remember what I said earlier about her savvy business sense?)

After retiring, Madame Ching opened a gambling house and just chilled until 1844, dying at the age of 69 as a grandmother and certified badass.

Anyway, remember this story the next time a guy tells you, “It’s a man’s world.”

You like scary stories? Good, me too. Allow me to share one of my favorites with you. Are we going to talk about ghosts? Nope. The Loch Ness Monster? Thought about it, but couldn’t find any trustworthy sources. Children? Definitely creepy, but that’s a lesson for another day. I know what you’re thinking, “Captain, what could possibly be scarier than ghosts, the Loch Ness Monster, and children?” Well, I’m about to tell you: feet. Yep, the hand’s awkward stepsister. Thank God you can hide (or at least accentuate) those disgusting ankle abominations with socks, footed pajamas, rollerblades, and most importantly, shoes. In particular: high heels.

Stilettos, peep toes, ankle straps, sling backs — it doesn’t matter to me — I support that life, and any other shopping addiction that helps you hide your fucking toes. Hell, I don’t even mind seeing a guy wearing heels. In fact, I might even throw a compliment or two his way, “Sweet calves, bro.” A calf compliment is rather appropriate because calves (and other cattle) fit seamlessly into this high-heeled tale I’m about to tell you.

Why? Because high heels were originally invented by Egyptian butchers to keep their feet clean as they walked through the blood pools of slaughtered beasts. Yes, long before heels were being worn by drunk girls stumbling through piles of club confetti, Egyptians were wearing them to power walk through blood and guts. This backstory might explain why your girlfriend often feels the need to use her shoes as a weapon. It also doesn’t hurt that the word “stiletto” is taken from a style of knife blade made popular in Italy during the Middle Ages.

Huh, so high heels were invented by butchers, and later named after a fucking weapon? Suddenly everything’s starting to make sense.