The Captain - Fucking History - 52 Lessons You Should Have Learned in School

If dudes 150 years ago could wear biscuit whiskers to show their commitment, surely your boyfriend can do it. It’s so much more meaningful than a name tattoo. Trust me, I have one of those, and Ashley doesn’t mean a thing to me.

Girls love surprises. Think outside the bin with your next romantic gesture. Seriously, what the fuck is your girlfriend going to do with a 52-inch teddy bear anyway? C’mon, use your imagination for something other than dreaming about a rap career for once. Your poor girl has been putting up with your shit for months — maybe even years — and all you can do is get her something from the front bin of your local Walmart? That’s just wrong.

Let’s set the bar with a historical example of a dude going all-in for his girl: The year is 1931, and King Edward VIII (at this time, he was just Prince Edward) meets a married American woman by the name of Wallis Simpson. They hit it off, they frequent the bone zone together for a number of years, and Edward is convinced she is “the one.” Wallis, feeling equally as passionate, obtains a divorce and gets ready to put her wifey lock on Edward’s royal cock. At this same time, in early 1936, Edward’s dad dies and Prince Edward becomes King Edward. Now, this is where it gets complicated.

Edward and Ms. Simpson’s little arrangement is met with heavy opposition by the British government on all kinds of legal, political, religious, and moral grounds. The gist of it: As King of England, Edward was not allowed to marry a divorced woman because it was against the beliefs of the Church of England. So, what did Edward do? He gave up his throne. Yeah, the dude gave up his position as THE KING OF MOTHERFUCKING ENGLAND just so he could marry Ms. Simpson. And, the two lived the remainder of their lives together in the beautiful French countryside.

Now, Edward may have given up his position as King of England — but in terms of romantic gestures — Edward will always be the King. In other words, “Step your game up, teddy-bear boy.”

Guys and lesbians, if you’re lucky enough to land yourself a badass girl, you better hold onto her. Hold onto her like the way you clutch a 100-dollar bill, a gift card to your favorite restaurant, or anything else you find as important as food and money. Because you know what they say, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.”

So, just how does one go about finding one of these elusive, unwavering creatures of badassness? Online dating? Nope. (Well, unless you want to date your fucking cousin or someone you went to high school with — equally disgusting options.) Your best bet is probably going to be in person. Perhaps through a friend of a friend, but most likely, it will happen when you least expect it. You might even die before you have a chance to realize how badass your girl really is. Take for example, Jeanne de Clisson, also known as “The Lioness of Brittany.”

If that nickname doesn’t prove just how badass this woman was, let me tell you a little more about her: In 1330, Jeanne married Olivier de

Clisson IV, a wealthy Breton lord and son of a military legend. And, like all political couples, Olivier and Jeanne were under constant, almost-unfair scrutiny. In fact, in 1343, this resulted in Olivier being arrested by his own countrymen regarding a previous conflict he’d had with the English. He was put on trial, found guilty, and beheaded on August 2, 1343. (Yeah, there wasn’t much of an appeal process back then.)

Appalled by the unjust treatment and execution of her beloved husband, Jeanne swore to avenge his death. So, she purchased three ships, painted them black, dyed the sails blood red, and became a fucking pirate. She then hired a crew along with two sons she shared with Olivier, and together, the family pursued and captured French fleets. (Way better than a family road trip.) As each new ship was captured, Jeanne would board their vessel and proceed to personally chop the French nobles’ heads off with a fucking axe — a tribute to the same way French nobility had killed her husband.

Now, if you’re debating about whether or not you should marry your current girlfriend, ask just how far she’s willing to go to avenge your death. That’s a great test of badassness. And, if you have yourself a Jeanne, you better get that girl a ring.

Couples. They’re disgusting. They’re always kissing, sitting on the same side of a booth, sharing entrées, finishing each other’s sentences, wearing matching outfits, using pet names, and a multitude of other obnoxious, PG-rated acts of love. Seriously though, if you’re going to get down with some public displays of affection, at least make it worth watching for the rest of us. Either make me horny, or make your way into a car and go the fuck home — you cute, gross, disgusting lovebirds.

But whatever you do, don’t go fighting and arguing in public, because there’s nothing more uncomfortable or inappropriate than airing your dirty laundry in front of an audience. And, yes, social media does count as “in public.” Besides, you’re probably arguing about some dumb, boring, couple shit anyway. Speaking of that, I feel it’s my duty to inform you — there are no rules when it comes to jumping ahead to the next episode of a series you started together. There’s no “together” when it comes to binge watching, binge drinking, or binge eating; it’s every man, woman, or gender-neutral individual for themself.

You know who’s great at keeping their arguments quiet? Mimes. You know who else was great at this? Thomas Fucking Edison. (Yeah, the light bulb guy.) You see, after Thomas married his second wife, Mina Miller, in 1886, he taught her Morse code so they could communicate with finger tapping while holding hands. Allowing them to have a private conversation in a crowded room. It was kind of like texting when you’re sitting right next to each other, except way cooler because it’s fucking Morse code and it requires you to actually be smart and not just own a smartphone. My point, Thomas Edison was a smart guy. And, as a smart guy, he knew not everybody needed to hear his private conversations with his wife. You should do the same thing. Be smart. Be like Thomas and keep your relationship between the two of you.

Now, enjoy the rest of your day and start practicing your Morse code. Doing so would give the phrase “tap that” an entirely new meaning in your relationship.

There’s nothing in life worse than feeling “controlled.” Whether it’s your boss telling you to stop dyeing your hair blue, or your bossy boyfriend/ girlfriend telling you to unfriend someone on Facebook — being told how to act is annoying. For example, if I were a dog, I wouldn’t do a damn thing my owner told me. If he said, “Go fetch,” I’d be like, “Go fuck yourself.” Then I’d go chew a hole in his new sofa. Plain and simple, being told what to do fucking sucks. Unfortunately, this isn’t something you can avoid. People and organizations will always attempt to control you in some way or another — and THAT is out of your control. But, you can ALWAYS control how you react. The way you react to someone telling you what you can, or cannot do, is completely up to you.