The Captain - Fucking History - 52 Lessons You Should Have Learned in School

FYI - A “Canadian Cake” is a slang term I just made up for a birthday party that involves beer, fistfights, and pouring brown gravy on FUCKING EVERYTHING. (Canadians will get it.) Now, in Canada’s defense, men were fighting the same fight in New York City at that time as well. Basically, in 1936, we were all prudes.

Anyway, shortly after the Toronto Titty Gang members were arrested, the laws were changed and it was finally deemed acceptable for men to go topless. Thus, the first major victory of the North American Nipple Wars was won.

Fast-forward to today, what’s so offensive about female nipples anyway? I say, “Free the female nipple, hide the fucking bro toes.” If you want to talk about something offensive, let’s talk about dudes wearing sandals… fuck flip-flops.

Dudes will say just about anything to get laid. Absolutely relentless with unoriginal compliments, career lies, and anything else they think will help them get horizontal. Any woman who’s left her house long enough to go to a bar, club, or pet store knows what I’m talking about. Shit like, “I don’t usually talk to girls at bars,” “I’m not like other guys,” and “I read books.” Lies, lies, lies — he just wants a piece of your cherry pie. (Sorry, that was gross. Calling a vagina a cherry pie sounds like a time-of-the-month metaphor.)

Anyway, the tactic of lying for lady bits — also referred to as “spitting game” — is as old as time. Your dad did it to your mom and Adam probably did it to Eve. (I don’t think her leaf just fell off.) At one point, laws were even passed in an attempt to prevent this behavior by making it illegal for men to bullshit their way into bed. Known as “Anti-Seduction Acts,” or “Seduction Laws,” states such as New York, Virginia, Ohio, and Georgia passed these ordinances during the 1800s. Each state had its own take on seduction policy, but the one thing they all had in common: Seduction Laws applied to the false promise of marriage… ha, really? How fucking desperate is that? One minute he’s buying you a drink and lying about his career as an astronaut, the next, he’s throwing out the mother of all Hail Marys and asking for your hand in marriage.

Now, the really stupid thing about these laws, they assumed women couldn’t already sniff out some bullshit. Like, somehow, a false marriage proposal was a hypnotic guarantee of gettin’some. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure girls don’t need legal legislation to help them avoid a douche. I mean, I’ve spent a fair amount of time in Las Vegas — and from what I’ve seen, women are perfectly capable of navigating douchey waters.

Girls, if a guy simply won’t stop trying to get into your honey pot, you’re in luck, because there’s still a law for you: Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation. This law states, if you hold your drink above a man’s head and rotate it sideways, the contents within will do the work of getting rid of him.

“So, what are we?” The dreaded question nobody wants to hear from someone they think they’re just casually dating. “Are you my friend, my fish friend, my girlfriend, or my half-fish friend who happens to also be a girl?” Yeah, dating a mermaid would be fucking confusing.

Now, I don’t care whether you’re a man, woman, or mythical sea harlot, discussing your expectations of a relationship is necessary. If you don’t want something serious, just be honest about it. Don’t let the other person think it’s something it’s not as they run around telling everyone the two of you are “dating” when really all you did was split an appetizer a few weeks back. One-sided relationships are bullshit and sad — like the very one-sided relationship between King George III of Great Britain and Elizabeth Spencer.

You see, King George was obsessed with Elizabeth. So obsessed that he one day decided he was no longer married to his actual wife, Queen Charlotte, and instead started telling everyone he was married to Elizabeth and Charlotte was a spy trying to kill him. Obviously, embarrassing the hell out of both women. The entire time, Elizabeth was probably like, “George, why are you so obsessed with me?” She literally wanted nothing to do with him, but that didn’t stop George from telling everyone about their new relationship. It’s worth mentioning that at this time George had also begun to suffer from a rare blood disease known as porphyria, causing him to experience bouts of severe dementia. (Makes sense. Because you literally have to be fucking insane to want to get married — twice.)

Anyway, long story short, porphyria eventually got the best of ole Georgie Boy several years later and he died on January 29, 1820. Leaving behind one real widow, and well, one fictitious one.

Clearly, not coming to a mutual understanding of what you are as a couple is just embarrassing and awkward for everyone involved.

Admit it. If you’re in a relationship, you fight about stupid shit. And, anything is fair game when it comes to arguing with your boyfriend or girlfriend: t-shirts, TV shows, toothbrushes — all valid fodder on a Thursday night. Couples are like angry magicians, but instead of pulling rabbits and doves out of thin air, they pull out topics to argue about. Why? Because humans have exceptional imaginations when they’re in a relationship. This is why single people hate couples so much. It’s not because we’re jealous of your love, it’s because we know that deep down inside we all possess the potential to become just like you — and we’re fucking scared to death about it.

Now, if you’re coupled up, you’ve probably already begun thinking about all the pointless stuff you’ve argued about this past week. Well, I’m about to one-up you when it comes to pointless combat. The year is 1325, and a war has just erupted between Modena and Bologna, two rivaling city- states in Northern Italy. Why are they fighting? Because of a bucket. Yes, a fucking bucket. You see, a group of drunk soldiers from Modena snuck into Bologna one night and stole the water bucket from the town well. And, well, the Bolognese people weren’t about living a no-bucket life, so the war was fucking on.

All in all, “The Battle of Zappolino” — also known as “The War of the Bucket” — saw bloodshed of about 4,000 men. Making it actually one of the largest battles of the Medieval Era. And you thought your silly fights got serious… pfft. Did anybody die? Nope. So relax, your fights are basic.

However, much like the asinine arguments you have with your boyfriend or girlfriend, the bucket-stealing incident was simply the final straw and culmination of years of hostility and annoyance. So, the next time your boyfriend or girlfriend picks a stupid fight with you, try to understand it’s most likely the apex of their annoyance about something else you’ve been doing for some time. Like, always making them sleep in the wet spot after your sloppy, post-argument, make-up sex. That’s such a jerk move. You should definitely be taking turns snoozing in the postcoital puddle — or at least rock-paper-scissors for it… best out of three.