Laurell Hamilton - 16 Blood Noir

No, Nathaniel. She used to greet me sort of like that, but for weeks now its been, Where have you been? Who have you been with? You fucked the master again, didnt you? You fucked Asher, didnt you? You were with Anita again, werent you?

Ive put you on the back burner for feeding me, I said. I got the impression Perdy didnt want to share you that much, but I had no idea she thought you were doing more than just donating blood to the vampires.

Shes like crazy jealous, and she wont believe me when I tell her I havent been with anyone else. Its why I asked Jean-Claude to take me out of your feeding schedule for a while. I thought if I stopped having sex with the only other person I was really having sex with that Perdy would calm down.

Nathaniel and I exchanged glances across the table. He shrugged. I asked the question. Did it work?

No, he said. He took another drink of coffee, and it must have finished the cup because he got up and went for the French press beside the sink. He took the coffee cozy off of it, then put it back on without filling his cup. He set the cup in the sink.

I dont want more coffee.

You can never have too much coffee, I said.

He turned and smiled at me. You think so, but the rest of us get a little ODed on your level of caffeine.

What happened, Jason? I asked.

The smile slipped a little more. He was solemn when he turned to us. He leaned his back against the cabinets, crossed his arms across his chest, and again didnt quite meet our eyes.

She wanted me to marry her. Till death do us part and all that. Shes a mermaid, which means shell outlive me. She can live for hundreds of years, not immortal like a vampire, but close.

You didnt want to marry her, I said, softly.

He shook his head. Shes obsessed with me. She says she loves me, but it doesnt feel like love. It feels like Im smothering.

Shes not the right one, then.

He grinned, and it almost reached his eyes. Look whos talking about the right one. You cant pick just one either.

Thats different.

Why, because youre a living vampire who feeds off sex, so you have to have a bevy of lovers? The ardeur is like the perfect excuse to never have to say youre sorry.

Id change it if I could, you know that.

He came to me then, put his arms around my shoulders, and rested his cheek on the top of my head. I didnt mean to make you sad, Anita. God knows I didnt. Please, dont tell me youd change it if you could. You love Nathaniel, and Micah. They love you. You love Jean-Claude and Asher, and they love you. Youre still a little confused about what to do with Damian, but youll get there.

I shook my head and stood up, moving away from him. Dont forget Requiem, and London, and sometimes Richard. Oh, wait, and the swan king pops in now and then, no pun intended. It sounded angry and bitter, and I was glad.

I didnt mean to say the wrong thing. I didnt mean to make you feel bad, or to have another woman mad at me tonight. Please, Anita, please, dont be mad. Im upset. You have no idea how upset. Please, please, Im a bastard, but dont be mad.

He held his hand out to me. His face pleaded along with his words. Id never seen his eyes full of quite this kind of pain. The look in his eyes was more than just losing a girlfriend he didnt want anymore.

I held out my hand, but made him take the step to close our fingers around each other. His eyes glittered in the overhead lights.

I took his hand, held it. His breath came in a soft gasp, and I thought for a second he was going to cry, but he just looked at me. His eyes that had glistened a moment before were almost dead, as if whatever he was feeling hed locked away somewhere. In a way, to me, that was worse. I went to him, and he wrapped his arms around me as if he were at the edge of a cliff and I were his only handhold. That quiet holding on was somale. A woman would have cried, or talked more, but for a man, after a certain point this is their pain.

I held him back, tried to tell him it would be all right. I whispered it into his hair, against his cheek. Its all right, Jason. Its all right.

Nathaniel came up behind him and wrapped his arms around us both. He pressed his cheek against his friends hair and said, Were here, Jason. Were here for you.

Jason just held on wordless, motionless, the strength in his arms, shoulders, pressing against me, but it wasnt about sex. Id never been pressed so close to any man and thought only, God, whats wrong? Either he had loved Perdy and now he was regretting letting her go, or the other shoe hadnt dropped. What else could be wrong?

We ended up on the floor of the kitchen, simply sitting in a row with our backs to the kitchen island. He still hadnt said what else was wrong, or that he was desperately in love with Perdy and how could he fix it? I kept waiting for him to share. If hed been a girl friend Id have asked by now, but guy friends are different. Sometimes you have to sneak up on them like some sort of wild animal, no wereanimal pun intended; all men are leery of their emotions, spook them and theyll shut down. If youre careful, quiet, not too eager, sometimes youll learn more. Of course, sometimes you have to club men over the head with some question to get any sense out of them, but they prefer to speak from a quiet place.

Jason had his head against Nathaniels shoulder, and a hand on my leg. At least he, like most of the men in my life, was cuddlier than most. I appreciated that.

Jasons voice came flat, empty, as if he were afraid to let his voice feel anything. My fathers dying of cancer. My mom called last night just after Perdy and I broke up.

I exchanged a glance with Nathaniel. His wide eyes let me know that it was news to him, too.

Jesus, Jason, Im sorry, I said.

We hate each other, of course, and now the cold bastards dying and I wont have time to forgive him before he dies.

What can we do? Nathaniel asked, softly.

He smiled, a little weak, a little watered down, but he managed it. I thought it was a good sign. I hoped it was. You really want to know?

Name it, I said.

He smiled again, but his eyes flinched, as if Id hit him instead of told him Id do anything he wanted if it would take the pain away.

Perdy isnt here to tell me dont, or to tell you dont. Im a free man again. He tried for a laugh, but it was a sound more like a sob.

I get it, Nathaniel said.

I frowned at him. Then explain it to me, because I dont.

He wants to have sex with you again.

What? I said.

Perdy cant tell him, or you, no anymore. You can be lovers again.

You mean now, like in right now?

Nathaniel gave a half-shrug. Jason moved his head off the other mans shoulder. He dropped his hand away from my leg.

Its okay, Anita, Ive fucked this up. I know this isnt the way to approach you. But my head is so ugly tonight; I just cant seem to think clearly.

He pushed to his feet and started for the doorway.

I opened my mouth to say dont go, and yes. I closed it without saying any of it out loud, and looked at Nathaniel. I frowned at him. He was more than just my sweetie. The ardeur made me a sort of living vampire who fed off sex, but with the downsides came some interesting upsides. Nathaniel was my animal to call, which meant he was like my familiar. We shared emotions, power, and sometimes thoughts. Youre projecting inside my head, arent you?

You can shut me out if you want, he said.

Jason hesitated just short of the doorway. He frowned at us both. Im missing something.

I looked into the face of a man that I loved. Is this really what you want?

Hes my friend.

You know, most guys dont want their girlfriends to sleep with their friends.

If youd never slept with Jason, that would be different, but you have. Why is it wrong to sleep with him tonight?