Сергей Матвеев - Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

“But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.”

“But I did not ask anybody how to do it.”

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

“Da-ad…” “What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water? [39] a drink of water – глоток воды ” “No. You had your chance. Lights out! [40] Lights out! – Гасим свет! ”

Five minutes later:

“Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”

Five minutes later…

“WHAT?!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

John had just got a set of new teeth and went away for a holiday. His wife knowing how easily a set of teeth can be lost if you are bathing in a rough sea, wrote to him saying: “Take care not to wear your new teeth when you are bathing in the sea.”

He wrote back: “Why didn’t you telegraph?”

“When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?”

“The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.”

A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep [41] falls asleep – засыпает in the chair. The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. [42] drops dead – падает замертво Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said, “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…”

“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”

“Because he had no-body to go with!”

“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer [43] defence lawyer – адвокат says to his client.

“What’s the bad news?”

The lawyer says:

“Your blood matches the DNA [44] DNA – ДНК (дезоксирибонуклеиновая кислота) found at the murder scene. [45] murder scene – место преступления ”

“Dammit! [46] Dammit! – Проклятие! Чёрт побери! ” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

“Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good football player?”

“She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach [47] coach – игра слов: наставник, карета was a pumpkin.”

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:

“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards [48] Valentine cards – открытки ко дню св. Валентина signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

A man walked into a doctor’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. [49] self-esteem – самооценка Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden [50] downtrodden – угнетённый expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

We’ve all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters [51] banging on a million typewriters – беспорядочно печатающих на миллионе печатных машинок will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

“What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?”

“Finding half a maggot!”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

One man stepped forward. “Yes, Captain, I know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short. [52] we’re one short – у нас одного не хватает ”

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at a park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.

“Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”

“What did you do?” the little girl asked.

“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”

“How did you get away?”

“As a last resort, [53] as a last resort – в качестве последнего средства I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

“Wow,” said the first guy. “I wonder how deep it is?”

“I don’t know,” said the second.