Сергей Матвеев - Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a ₤50 bill.

That afternoon he received a ₤100 bill from the lawyer.

The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for which an operation was absolutely imperative.

The patient turned pale and asked, “Isn’t it very dangerous?”

“Yes,” the doctor replied. “Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Why not?” eagerly inquired the patient.

“Well, you’re sure to recover because my last five patients died,” the doctor reassured him.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed.

“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources [21] Human Resources – отдел кадров person asked a young applicant fresh out of [22] fresh out of – только что из Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

“About ₤125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. [23] benefits package – социальный пакет ”

“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund [24] matching retirement fund – пенсионный фонд за счёт компании to 50 % of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say, [25] say – скажем a red Corvette? [26] Corvette – «Корвет» ( марка машины ) ”

The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow! [27] Wow! – возглас удивления Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

As a senior citizen [28] senior citizen – человек пенсионного возраста; пожилой человек was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

“Heck, [29] Heck! – Чёрт! ” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:

– I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.

– In that case, – said the patient, – I’ll come back when you’re sober.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.

– Sailor, do you have change for a pound?

– Sure, buddy, – says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

– That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a pound?

The plebe snaps to attention [30] snaps to attention – вытягивается по струнке and barks:

– No, sir!

– My father had two horses that looked so much alike that he measured them so he could tell them apart.

– Did that help?

– It sure did. He found that the white one was 6 inches shorter than the black one.

Man says to God:

“Lord, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God says, “So you would love her.”

“But Lord,” the man says, “why did you make her so stupid?”

God says, “So she would love you.”

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, “I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

– Sir! Did you have a good holiday? Did you go away?

– Yes, I went to France, to Paris.

– Did you have much trouble with your French when you were there?

– No, I didn’t – but the Parisians did.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

“Hold it, [31] Hold it! – Постойте! hold it,” the fellow said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the county government, [32] county government – администрация округа ” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”

“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office.