Пелам Гренвилл Вудхаус: Этот неподражаемый Дживс! / The Inimitable Jeeves

“All right!”

I wrote out the receipt and handed it over.

“Here you are,” I said.

The girl took the piece of paper, put it in her bag, grabbed the money and slipped it to brother Sidney, and then, before I knew what was happening, she had darted at me, kissed me, and legged it from the room.

I’m bound to say this surprised me a lot. So sudden and unexpected. I mean, a girl like that. Always been quiet and demure. Through a sort of mist I could see that Jeeves had appeared and was helping the brother on with his coat. His coat was more like a sack than anything else. Then the brother came up to me and grasped my hand.

“I cannot thank you sufficiently, Mr Wooster!”

“Oh, not at all.”

“You have saved my good name. Good name in man or woman,” he said, “is the immediate jewel of their souls. Who steals my purse steals trash. It was mine, it was his, and has been slave to thousands. But he that steals my good name robs me and makes me poor indeed. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Good night, Mr Wooster.”

“Good night, old man,” I said.

I blinked at Jeeves as the door shut.

“Rather a sad affair, Jeeves,” I said.

“Yes, sir.”

“Luckily I happened to have all that money.”

“Well—er—yes, sir.”

“You speak as though you didn’t think much of it.”

“I can’t criticize your actions, sir, but I can say that I think you behaved a little rashly.”

“What, lending that money?”

“Yes, sir. These fashionable French watering places[71] watering places – морские курорты are famous for dishonest characters.”

This was incredible.

“Now look here, Jeeves,” I said. “I can stand a lot but now you are going to slander that holy man!”

“Perhaps I am over-suspicious, sir. But I have seen a great deal of these resorts. When I was in the employment of Lord Frederick Ranelagh[72] Frederick Ranelagh – Фредерик Ранелай , shortly before I entered your service, his lordship was swindled by a criminal known as Soapy Sid[73] Soapy Sid – Сентиментальный Сид , who was acting us in Monte Carlo with his helper. His helper was a nice girl. I have never forgotten the circumstances.”

“I don’t want to argue with you, Jeeves,” I said, coldly, “but you’re talking nonsense. How could I be cheated? They’ve left me the pearls, haven’t they? Very well, then, think before you speak. You had better have these things hidden in the hotel safe.” I picked up the case and opened it.

“Oh, Lord!”

The case was empty!

“Oh, Jesus!” I said, staring. “So, I’ve been cheated?”

“Precisely, sir. It was in exactly the same manner that Lord Frederick was swindled. While the girl was gratefully embracing his lordship, Soapy Sid substituted a duplicate case for the one containing the pearls and went off with the jewels, the money and the receipt. Later he subsequently demanded from his lordship the return of the pearls, and his lordship was obliged to pay a heavy sum[74] heavy sum – огромная сумма in compensation. It is a simple but effective ruse.”

I felt as if the floor was moving.

“Soapy Sid? Sid! Sidney! Brother Sidney! Why, Jeeves, do you think that parson was Soapy Sid?”

“Yes, sir.”

“But it seems extraordinary. Why, his collar buttoned at the back—I mean, he would have deceived a bishop. Do you really think he was Soapy Sid?”

“Yes, sir. I recognized him directly he came into the room.”

I stared at him.

“You recognized him?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Then, dash it all[75] dash it all – пропади всё пропадом ,” I said. “I think you might have told me.”

“I thought it would be enough if I merely extracted the case from the man’s pocket as I assisted him with his coat, sir. Here it is.”

He laid another case on the table beside the first one, and they were alike. I opened it, and there were the good old pearls, smiling up at me. I gazed feebly at Jeeves.

“Jeeves,” I said. “You’re an absolute genius!”

“Yes, sir.”

Thanks to Jeeves I did not lose several thousand pounds.

“It looks to me as though you have saved me. I mean, even that old Sid is hardly likely to have the nerve to come back and retrieve these pearls.”

“I should imagine not, sir.”

“Well, then—Oh, I say, you don’t think they are false?”

“No, sir. These are genuine pearls and extremely valuable.”

“Well, then, dash it, I’ve lost nothing. All right, Jeeves. I’ve paid a hundred pounds but I’ve got a good string of pearls. Am I right or wrong?”

“Hardly that, sir. I think that you will have to restore the pearls.”

“What! To Sid?”

“No, sir. To their rightful owner.”

“But who is their rightful owner?”

“Mrs Gregson, sir.”

“What! How do you know?”

“It was all over the hotel an hour ago that Mrs Gregson’s pearls had disappeared. I was speaking to Mrs Gregson’s maid shortly before you came in and she informed me that the manager of the hotel is now in Mrs Gregson’s suite.”

“And having a bad time, right?”

“I can imagine, sir.”

The situation was beginning to be clear.

“I’ll go and give them back to her, eh?”

“Precisely, sir. And, if I may make the suggestion, I think it might be judicious to stress the fact that they were stolen by—”

“Lord! By the dashed girl she was forcing me to marry!”

“Exactly, sir.”

“Jeeves,” I said, “this is going to be my biggest victory that has ever occurred in the world’s history.”

“It is not unlikely, sir.”

“ It will keep her quiet[76] it will keep her quiet – это её утихомирит for a bit!”

“It should have that effect, sir.”

Long before I reached Aunt Agatha’s lair I could tell that the hunt was up[77] the hunt was up – охота была в разгаре . Divers in hotel uniform and many chambermaids were hanging about in the corridor, and through the panels I could hear the Aunt Agatha’s voice. I knocked but no one took any notice, so I went in. I noticed a chambermaid in hysterics, Aunt Agatha and the hotel manager who looked like a bandit.

“Oh, hallo!” I said. “Hallo-allo-allo!”

Aunt Agatha looked at me. No welcoming smile for Bertram.

“Don’t bother me now, Bertie,” she snapped, looking at me as if I were the bandit myself.

“Something wrong?”

“Yes, yes, yes! I’ve lost my pearls.”

“Pearls? Pearls? Pearls?” I said. “No, really? Where did you see them last?”

“What does it matter where I saw them last? They have been stolen.”

Here the hotel manger stepped into the ring and began to talk rapidly in French. The chambermaid whooped in the corner.

“Are you sure you’ve looked everywhere?” I asked.

“Of course I’ve looked everywhere.”

“Well, you know, I’ve often lost my collars and—”

“Don’t drive me mad, Bertie! I have enough to bear without your imbecilities. Oh, be quiet! Be quiet!” she shouted in the sort of voice used by sergeant-majors. And such was the magnetism of her personality that the manager became silent as if he had run into a wall. The chambermaid continued weep.

“I say,” I said, “I think there’s something with this girl. Isn’t she crying or something?”

“She stole my pearls! I am convinced of it.”