Пелам Гренвилл Вудхаус - Дживс, вы – гений! / Thank you, Jeeves!

I buried the head in the hands.

“His lordship urged Mr Stoker to disclaim these words. It was his lordship’s view that Mr Stoker, having given his promise to purchase Chuffnell Hall, could not, as an honourable man, recede from this obligation. Mr Stoker replied that he did not care what he had promised or what he had not promised. After that, his lordship, I regret to say, became unguarded in his speech.”

I moaned again.

“Then Mr Stoker returned to the yacht with Miss Stoker and Master Dwight. Sir Roderick has gone to the local inn. Lady Chuffnell is with Master Seabury in his bedroom. His lordship, I believe, is taking the dog for a run in the west park.”

“When all this happened, had Chuffy told Stoker he wanted to marry Miss Stoker?”

“No, sir.”

“Well, I don’t see how he can very well do it now.”

“I think the announcement would not be cordially received, sir. And I chanced to be an auditor of a conversation between Mr and Miss Stoker. It was the gentleman’s intention to keep Miss Stoker on board, not permitting her to go ashore.”

“But you said he didn’t know anything about the engagement.”

“Mr Stoker’s motive is not to prevent her encountering his lordship, but to obviate any chance of her meeting you, sir. The fact that you embraced the young lady has convinced him that her affection for you has persisted since your parting in New York.”

“You’re sure you really heard all this?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You were talking with Chuffy, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And he heard all that, too?”

“Yes, sir.”

“About me kissing Miss Stoker?”

“Yes, sir.”

“What did he say?”

“He mentioned something about giving you a good lesson, sir.”

“Jeeves,” I said, “advise me, Jeeves.”

“Well, sir, I think it might be judicious if you were to attempt to persuade his lordship that the spirit in which you embraced Miss Stoker was a purely brotherly one.”

I rose.

“It may work, Jeeves. It is, at least, worth trying. I shall now leave you, to prepare myself for the ordeal before me with silent meditation.”

“Your tea will be here in a moment, sir.”

“No, Jeeves. This is no time for tea. I must concentrate. I dare say I shall see him shortly.”

“It would not surprise me if you find his lordship awaiting you at your cottage, sir.”

He was absolutely correct. No sooner had I crossed the threshold than I saw Chuffy, gazing upon me.

“Ah!” he said, “Here you are at last!”

I gave him a sympathetic smile.

“Here I am, yes. And I have heard all. Jeeves told me. Too bad, too bad. I did not think, old man, when I bestowed a brotherly kiss on Pauline Stoker by way of congratulating her on your engagement, that it would make all this trouble.”

“Brotherly? Hm!”

“Essentially brotherly.”

A struggle was going on in the old boy’s bosom. Then he became calmer.

“Well, all right,” he said. “But in future if you want sisters, seek them elsewhere.”

“Just so. Then you still intend to marry this Pauline?

“Intend to marry her? Of course I intend to marry her. I’d look a silly ass not marrying a girl like that, wouldn’t I?”

“But Stoker is not going to buy the Hall, is he?”

“Bertie,” he said, “don’t remind me of a time when I must have been absolutely stupid. I can’t imagine how I ever felt like that. My views have changed. I don’t care now if I haven’t a bean and she’s got millions.”

“Fine.”

“What does money matter?”

“Quite.”

“I mean, love’s love.”

“You never spoke a truer word. If I were you, I’d write her a letter embodying those views.”

“I will. And, by Lord!”

“What?”

“Jeeves shall take it to her. I should have told you that Stoker wanted Jeeves to leave me and enter his service. Now I am all for it. Jeeves shall go to him.”

“I see what you mean. Under the Stoker banner, he will be free to come and go.”

“Exactly.”

“He can take a letter from you to her and then one from her to you and then one from you to her and then one from her to you and then one from you to her and then one—”

“Yes, yes. You’ve got the idea. And in the course of this correspondence we can fix up some scheme for meeting. Have you any idea how long it takes to organize a wedding?”

“I’m not sure. I believe, if you get a special license, you can do it like a flash.”

“I’ll get a special license. I feel a new man. I’ll go and tell Jeeves at once. He can be on that yacht this evening.”

At this point he suddenly stopped.

“I suppose she really does love me?”

“Dash it, old man, didn’t she say so?”

“She said so, yes. Yes, she said so. But can you believe what a girl says?”

“My dear chap!”

“Well, she may have been fooling me.”

“Stop it, laddie.”

He had left me. It had been a strenuous day. I felt restless.

“I shall dine out, Brinkley,” I said.

This man had been sent down by the agency in London, and I want to say he wasn’t the fellow I’d have selected if I had had time to make a choice in person. Not at all the man of my dreams. A melancholy blighter, with a long, thin, face and deep eyes. I had been trying to establish cordial relations ever since he had arrived, but with no success. Outwardly he was all respectfulness, but inwardly you could see that he was a man who was dreaming about the Social Revolution and looked on Bertram as a tyrant and an oppressor.

“Yes, Brinkley, I shall dine out.”

He said nothing, merely looking at me.

I went round to the garage and got the car out. It was only a matter of thirty miles or so to Bristol, and I got there to watch a musical comedy. I was feeling rested and refreshed when I started back home.

As I opened the door of my room, I dropped the candle. Pauline Stoker in my heliotrope pyjamas was sitting on my bed.

The attitude of fellows towards finding girls in their bedroom after midnight varies. Some like it. Some don’t. I didn’t.

“What—What—What—?”

“It’s all right.”

“All right?”

“Quite all right.”

“Oh?” I said. I stooped to pick up the candle, and the next moment I had uttered a cry.

“Don’t make such a noise!”

“But there’s a corpse on the floor.”

“There isn’t.”

“There is, I tell you. I was looking about for the candle, and my fingers touched something cold and still and wet.”

“Oh, that’s my swimming suit.”

“Your swimming suit?”

“Well, do you think I came ashore by aeroplane?”

“You swam here from the yacht?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“About half an hour ago.”

“Why?” I asked.

“You know, Bertie, steps should be taken about you.”

“Eh?”

“You ought to be in some sort of a home.”

“I am,” I replied coldly and rather cleverly. “My own. But what are you doing in it?”

She did not answer.

“Why did you want to kiss me in front of father? I can quite understand now why Sir Roderick told father that you ought to be under restraint.”

“The incident to which you allude is readily explained. I thought he was Chuffy.”

“Thought who was Chuffy?”

“Your father.”

“I don’t see what you mean,” she replied coldly.

I explained.

“The idea was to let Chuffy observe you in my embrace. To force him act speedily.”

“That was very sweet of you.”

“We Woosters are sweet, exceedingly sweet, when a pal’s happiness is spoken about.”