Пелам Гренвилл Вудхаус - Дживс, вы – гений! / Thank you, Jeeves!

“No, Uncle Ted.”

“You’d best let us make a search of the house, sir,” said Sergeant Voules.

“Certainly not, Sergeant,” I said. “ Quite out of the question [63] Quite out of the question . – Об этом не может идти и речи. .”

“It would be wiser, sir.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, “but it can’t be done.”

He seemed discontented.

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night.”

I shut the door and came back to the bedroom. Pauline was sitting up in bed.

“Who was it?”

“Police.”

“What did they want?”

“Apparently they saw you getting in.”

“What a lot of trouble I’m giving you, Bertie.”

“Oh, no. Only too pleased. Well, I suppose I must go away.”

“Are you going?”

“I shall go to the garage,” I replied.

“Isn’t there a sofa downstairs?”

“There is. Noah’s [64] Noah’s – принадлежащая Ною . He brought it ashore on Mount Ararat [65] Mount Ararat – гора Арарат . I shall be better off in the car.”

“Oh, Bertie, I am giving you a lot of trouble.”

I sighed. Love’s love.

“Don’t you worry. We Woosters are always ready to help poor lovers. You put your little head on the pillow and sleep. I shall be all right.”

And, so saying, I went down the stairs, opened the front door, and out into the scented night. Suddenly a heavy hand fell on my shoulder.

“Ouch!” I said.

It was Constable Dobson.

“I beg your pardon, sir. I thought you were the thief.”

“Quite all right, Constable. Quite all right. Just going for a stroll.”

“I understand, sir. Breath of air.”

“Yes. Exactly. A breath, as you astutely observe, of air.”

“Oh, yes, sir. Well, good night, sir.”

“Good night. Tra-la, Constable.”

I proceeded on my way. I had left the garage door open, and I went to my old car, glad to be alone again. I climbed into the car and.

A light suddenly flashed on the features and a voice instructed me to come out of the car.

“Ah, Sergeant!” I said.

Another awkward meeting.

“Is that you, sir?”

“Yes.”

“Sorry to have disturbed you, sir.”

“Not at all. I thought I’d try to get a bit of sleep in the old car, Sergeant.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Such a warm night.”

“Just so, sir.”

His voice was respectful, but there was something in his manner that gave me the idea that he considered Bertram eccentric.

“I often sleep in the car in the summertime.”

“Yes, sir?”

“Good night, Sergeant.”

“Good night, sir.”

I soon saw that all efforts in the direction of the restful night would be fruitless. I went out of the car and decided to sleep on the floor. It was smelling of mice and mould. But at the end of about half an hour a soothing drowsiness had begun to come to me.

And at the end of about thirty-five minutes the door flew open and there was the old, familiar lantern shining in again.

“Ah!” said Sergeant Voules.

And Constable Dobson said the same.

“Yes?” I said. “What is it now?”

“Is that you again, sir?” inquired the sergeant.

“Yes, it is, dash it! What, may I ask, does this mean? Sleep under these conditions becomes impossible.”

“Very sorry, sir. It never occurred to me that it could be you.”

“And why not?”

“Well, sleeping in a shed, sir—”

“You do not dispute the fact that it is my shed?”

“No, sir. But it seems funny.”

“I see nothing funny in it whatsoever. I have a right, have I not, to sleep where I please?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Exactly. It might be the coal cellar [66] coal cellar – угольный подвал . It might be the front door steps [67] front door steps – крыльцо . It happens to be this shed. I will now thank you, Sergeant, to withdraw.”

“Are you intending to remain here the rest of the night, sir?”

“Certainly. Why not?”

He was at a loss. [68] He was at a loss . – Он растерялся.

“Well, I suppose there’s no reason why you shouldn’t, if you want to, sir.”

I had had enough of this.

“I hate beds,” I said. “Can’t stand them. Never could.”

“Very good, sir.” He paused a moment. “Quite a warm day today, sir.”

“Quite.”

“Yes, sir. Good night, sir.”

“Good night, Sergeant.”

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night, Constable.”

“Good night, sir.”

The door closed softly. And not ten minutes after I had decided that I should never get to sleep again in this world I was off as comfortably as a babe.

It couldn’t last long, of course. The next thing I remember is someone joggling my arm.

I sat up. There was the good old lantern once more.

“Now, listen—” I was beginning, when the words froze on my lips.

The fellow who was joggling my arm was Chuffy.

I just sat goggling at him, wondering how he had got there.

Chuffy was bending over me, in the background I could see Sergeant Voules. What had become of Constable Dobson, I did not know. Maybe he was dead.

“It’s all right, Bertie,” said Chuffy soothingly. “It’s me, old man.”

“I found his lordship by the side of the harbour,” explained the sergeant.

“The sergeant was worried about you, Bertie. He thought your manner was strange. So he brought me along to have a look at you. Very sensible of you, Voules.”

“Thank you.”

“You couldn’t have done a wiser thing.”

“Thank you.”

“Something went wrong, old chap,” said Chuffy gently, “didn’t you? If you are sleeping out here.”

“Why shouldn’t I sleep out here?”

I saw Chuffy and the sergeant exchange glances.

“But you’ve got a bedroom, old fellow. You’ve got a nice bedroom, haven’t you? It is more convenient to sleep in your cozy little bedroom.”

“There’s a spider in my bedroom.”

“A spider, eh? Pink?”

“Pinkish.”

“With long legs?”

“Very long legs.”

“And hairy?”

“Very hairy.”

Chuffy grinned in a most unpleasant manner and, rising, drew Sergeant Voules aside and addressed a remark to him,

“It’s all right, Sergeant. Nothing to worry about. He’s simply drunk.”

“Is that so?” said Sergeant Voules. And his voice was the voice of a sergeant to whom all things have been made clear.

“That’s all that’s the trouble. Completely drunk. You notice the glassy look in the eyes [69] glassy look in the eyes – пустой взгляд ?”

“Yes, I do.”

“I’ve seen him like this before. Once, after a party at Oxford, he insisted that he was a mermaid and wanted to dive into the college fountain and play the harp there.”

“Young gents will be young gents,” said Sergeant Voules in a tolerant and broad-minded manner [70] broad-minded manner – широта взглядов .

“We must put him to bed.”

I jumped up. Horror-stricken. Trembling like a leaf.

“I don’t want to go to bed!”

Chuffy stroked my arm soothingly.

“It’s all right, Bertie. Quite all right. We understand. No wonder you were frightened. Beastly great spider. Enough to frighten anyone. But it’s all right now. Voules and I will come up to your room with you and kill it. You aren’t scared of spiders, Voules?”