Veronica Semenova - Faces of Grief. Overcoming the Pain of Loss

Grief will evoke your own mortality issues and force you to re-evaluate your identity

Give yourself time to process these important aspects. Seek help, if necessary.

Give yourself permission to grieve

Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.

Many grieving individuals are even more hurt by the sayings and meaningless phrases that are commonly said to someone who has lost a loved one. One of the most common is “I know how you feel, my mom/dad/cousin/friend died last year…”. However, comparing tragedies and losses is never helpful. It is NOT what a grieving person needs to hear at the time of loss.

Below is a list of hurtful and damaging sayings that bring no relief to a grieving person. Some people don’t even know why they say those things. Often the situation is awkward, and these words come to mind because we heard them from others, or heard our parents saying them in response to loss. Most of these sayings refer to getting over the loss quickly and offer advice on how to avoid the pain. But as I explain in this book, avoiding the pain and skipping the grieving stages (or going through them too quickly) is not a realistic expectation.

Trying to avoid the pain or reminders of loss is unhelpful, will backfire at a later stage, and will only cause more pain and destruction. Please consider avoiding common platitudes and “click phrases” and think about offering more thoughtful and meaningful support to a grieving person.

Platitudes and sayings to avoid include:

1. I know how you feel.

2. God has a plan for all of us.

3. Just look at all the things you have to be thankful for.

4. He is in a better place now.

5. God needed another angel.

6. At least he is not suffering anymore.

7. She is at peace now.

8. Everything is for the best.

9. Thank God, you/others are still alive. It could have been worse.

10. You still got your other kids/spouse/other parent.

11. Don’t cry… it will not change what happened, and will only upset you.

12. This, too, will pass.

13. He lived a full life.

14. God never gives you more than you can handle.

15. You need to get on with your life.

16. You are strong, you can handle this.

17. You must be strong for the kids/for others.

18. You will get over it in time.

19. Time heals all wounds.

20. In a year everything will be ok.

21. You’ll be fine, just give it some time.

22. You are young, you could always have more children.

23. You need to be a man in the house now/you need to take over his/her duties now.

All of the above phrases are not helpful, can cause further pain and demonstrate to the person that the feelings of grief he/she experiences are not valid, should not be expressed or felt. Instead of saying these, please consider helping the grieving person by offering support from the examples listed below.

When you find yourself next to a grieving person, do not be afraid. The death of a loved one is a natural event in life, and can happen to any of us. There are some basic rules on what to do and say. As we discussed, many of them will depend on the stage of grief a person is going through and the type of loss experienced. Here are some common tips on what to do or say to help someone in grief.

Be present

Just be there. Give the grieving person a hug or a kiss, hold their hand, and offer them a shoulder to cry on. Say «I’m sorry», «I am here for you», «I care». Even if you don’t know what to say, your presence provides comfort, and so is helpful.

Acknowledge the loss in an honest way

Do not avoid the words «died» or «killed», and do not substitute them for euphemisms like «passed away». Say «I heard that your father died. I am so sorry for your loss».

Make your presence felt by offering practical help

Do not say «Call me if there is anything I can do». Instead, say «I’m going shopping. I can bring you bread, milk, or fruits. Is there anything else you need from the store?» Volunteer to take the children to school or take care of them at your house. Come and make lunch, or help with laundry and water plants. Make your presence felt.

Make tea or coffee, sit down with the grieving person, and listen

Let the grieving person talk when they are ready. Don’t ask how they feel and don’t tell them how they should feel or what they should do. Instead, say: «Would you like to talk?», or just listen. This is what is needed most at this moment: quiet support.

Don’t say or pretend that you know how they feel

The truth is, you don’t. Comparing losses and tragedies is never helpful. Don’t pity the grieving person, but do express sympathy. Being next to the grieving person can make us feel helpless and awkward. It is better if you are honest and say: «I am not sure what to say to you or how to help you, but I want you to know I care. I am so sorry for your loss».

Often, the grieving person will ask: “Why?”

This is not a question, but an expression of pain. You can’t answer that either, so simply reply: «I don’t know».

Do not use formulated statements

Statements like “It’s all in God’s hands” or “It is God’s will” or “You will be alright soon” are not helpful. They can’t console, they sound fake, and they can be alienating. Better say nothing or offer a hug instead.

There is no schedule for grieving

There is no timeframe of how long the mourning and grieving will take. Be patient. Stand by the grieving person. Be there to listen to them. Share fond memories of the deceased. Most grieving people will find relief by talking about the deceased, and they love to hear stories about their lost one. Do not try to change the subject, but encourage these conversations. They are truly healing.

Respect all feelings the grieving person expresses

Encourage them to cry or vent out anger. Never say «You shouldn’t feel like that». Feelings are neither right nor wrong: they need to be respected, expressed, and acknowledged.

Remember: a grieving person may have low self-esteem and may blame themselves

This blame may apply for events leading to the death or for their relationship with the deceased. Encourage them to discuss this.

Help the grieving person take good care of themselves

Cook and eat together, go for walks, and encourage exercise. Rest, diet, and exercise are critical to restoring physical and mental well-being.

Do not offer tranquilizers or sleeping aids without a doctor’s advice

Much like alcohol and drugs, they may offer temporary relief, but will usually only hinder the healing process.

Stages of grieving, as suggested by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, are known to many as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In 1970, Bowlby and Parker suggested that the stages of grieving should be described as numbness, pining, disorganization, and reorganization. Whichever model of separating the stages is examined, it is important to know that the duration and intensity of each stage may vary greatly, that stages can overlap or occur together, and that a grieving individual can miss one or more stages altogether.