Veronica Semenova - Conversations with the Psychologist

© Veronica Semenova, 2020

ISBN 978-5-0051-1341-2

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

This book is not intended as a substitute for medical advice or treatment.

Any person with a condition requiring medical attention should consult a qualified medical professional or suitable therapist.

Veronica Semenova, Ph. D. is a private practicing psychologist, a psychotherapist, and is a member of the American Psychological Association, Psi Chi International Honor Society in Psychology, and the Association for Psychological Therapies.

Dr. Semenova is the author of numerous articles and several books (“Faces of Grief”; “Learn How to Cope with Death, Loss, Grief, and Bereavement – Helpful Tips from the Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy”). She is a regular guest on a weekly radio program on psychology and a member of the editorial board of the peer-reviewed journal “Journal of Social, Behavioral, and Health Sciences” (JSBHS).

Visit Dr. Semenova’s website at www.vsemenova.comfor more information.

Question: “Recently, I get irritated with everything. I get mad with everyone around me, and I yell and insult those who upset me. I even fought with my boyfriend. At the moment of anger, I feel that I cannot control myself. After an outburst of anger I feel better – but then I feel ashamed and guilty for my behavior and for upsetting those close to me. What can I do? How can I learn to deal with anger and control myself?”

Irritation, anger, and rage are links in one chain – emotional reactions to the environmental discrepancies between a person’s inner requirements (that is, the discrepancy between the desired) and the reality (the actual). We expect that we will be treated fairly. For example, we expect that our relatives will respect us and listen to our opinion. We expect that government employees will do their work correctly and in the specified time.

Every time our expectations fail, the gap is filled with irritation and anger. Every time someone breaks our rules and the terms of our agreements, or acts against our will, we are challenged to react and show irritation. We may accept this challenge or we can reject it. The choice is ours.

The intensity of irritation can also be estimated on an emotional scale from 1 to 10:

1. Light irritation

2. Irritation

3. Discontent

4. Disappointment

5. Unwillingness to accept the situation

6. Anger

7. Resentment

8. Hatred

9. Rage

10. Fury

When we accept that the outside world can control our emotions, we allow for a very easy and convenient excuse not to assume responsibility for our own actions and reactions.

“I’ve had enough! He drives me mad! I can’t take it any longer!” This is how we often summarize the unpleasant experience of our own anger.

When you accept that other people have the power to influence the situation and your emotions, you are not only shifting the blame onto them, but you waive your right to influence the situation and have a choice of how to react. You put yourself in the position of being a victim.

We must avoid feeling like we are victims of external factors. Of course we can’t influence what other people are doing, but it is within our power to control how we react to events, and what decisions are made. So, freedom lies within this small space between the stimulus (the event) and our reaction to it. We should not surrender this freedom to those people or events that irritate us.

Next, I will describe how we can work with anger problems using cognitive-behavioral therapy.

PREPARATION: Weighing the Pros and Cons

The main thing to realize when dealing with anger is that you have the right to choose. In our lives, there are a huge range of things and events that we can not control. These include the weather, the past, other people, intrusive thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions.

But there is something that we can control-our ability to make choices. We choose what to do in bad weather (for example, take an umbrella with us); we choose what lesson to learn from the past; and we decide how to respond to other people and what to do with intrusive thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions. The main idea is that we can either choose to focus on what is beyond our control, or on what we do control.

I guess that you, like me, will choose the second option.

We may not be able to control anger, but we have full control over what we do with it. We can be angry and passive, angry and aggressive, or angry and assertive in our actions. The choice is ours. Anger speeds up our reactions and can give the illusion that there is no choice involved. But there is always a choice, and when we recognize our right to make a choice, we become stronger.

1. Destruction of the Rules “Should/Must”

The first step is to recognize that the rules “should and must” should be destroyed. We apply these rules to our own reactions as well as to the behaviors of others. We also try to comply with other peoples’ rules. For example, we demand: “He must listen to my opinion,” or “They should not interfere in my life,” or “I must control the situation.” But in reality, people don’t listen. They often interfere in our lives, and we don’t control situations and the results of our actions.

To begin with, we can acknowledge circumstances as they are, accepting reality rather than fighting against it, trying to change it, or denying its existence. We do not control other people, but we do control our choices.

Furthermore, based on our values, we choose the direction in which we will move. How do we understand our values? Values are the basis of the rules “should/must,” the breaking of which angers, frustrates, and enrages us. Ask yourself: “What positive value was included in my rule?”

“He must listen to my opinion” may imply the importance of communication, understanding, and cooperation. “They should not interfere in my life” may imply the importance of values such as freedom, respect, and self-development.

We are not in a position to control or force other people to follow our rules. We only control whether we do.

And, finally, we begin to act according to our values. Ask yourself two questions: 1) What do I want to get in the long run? and 2) What constructive steps can I take towards this direction?

People can ignore your demands and wishes and violate your rules. What can you do when this happens? You can continue to adhere to your values, respecting your own rights and principles and cultivating honesty in dealing with other people. Thus, you will be part of the solution, not the problem.

2. What Causes Pain?

The second step is to analyze what hurts when your rules are violated. Breaking some rules directly hurts self-esteem, affecting one’s sense of self-worth and worldview. For example, when your rule is violated, you may think: “I am a victim,” or “I am helpless in this situation,” or “The world is unjust.”

And, of course, most of all, we are hurt by our inability to change the behaviors of other people.

At this point, it is useful to think about the following: “There is no reason to believe that I can change the behavior of other people. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and beliefs. Everyone has their own values and rules. Perhaps the behavior that I regard as violating my rules is actually an attempt to help me, from this person’s viewpoint.”