Tatyana Shuklina - Antakarana. Quest in Reality

«Well,» the old man smiles from the screen, «your reaction confirms once again the fact that the Corporation was not mistaken in choosing you. All participants are familiar with the rules of the game in detail, I will not repeat myself. I would like to just give two pieces of advice: do not try to break the rules and stick together to the last. I wish you the best of luck. And remember: this is just a game, but you are experiencing it in reality.»

The screen goes blank. Two uniformed girls appear, and the guards hide in the cockpit. The silence is interrupted only by the instructions of the flight attendants. We take our seats and fasten the belts. The plane enters the runway, quickly picks up speed and this time really takes off from the ground.

More than two hours pass, but still no one speaks a word. Everyone copes with the shock in his own way. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I feel uneasy at the mere thought of looking out the window. About an hour after take-off, we were offered lunch, but I did not even touch the exotic dishes.

It always seemed to me that, having gone through such a shock and suddenly being safe, I would feel a euphoria, similar to the one I experience when waking up from a nightmare. But instead, I am filled with a terrible emptiness, unbearable sadness and incomprehensible longing.

To distract myself, I reflect on the words of Maestro. What can unite us all? Have we met somewhere before? I had a chance to visit abroad twice: in Spain for climbing the Pyrenees mountains and in India at the tourist resort of Goa. None of the players present seems to me even close to familiar.

We’ve definitely never seen each other until today. We are absolutely strangers, people who were not only not united by the plane crash, but also distanced from each other as much as possible.

One innermost desire, said the Maestro. What could it be in my case? For what am I ready to make such sacrifices as, for example, to experience this impromptu disaster? I have always considered myself to be quite a happy person. I have wonderful parents and a small but loyal circle of friends. I was lucky to do what I love and do not have to complain about health problems. A list of things to do before you die? Like all people on earth, I have a list with rather generalized phrases like «swim with dolphins», «conquer the Mont Blanc», «jump upside down from a bungee in Sochi Olympic Park» and other nonsense. But can I call anything from this list my innermost desire? Definitely not! Love, family and children? I never thought about it seriously. Now my heart is free, and it suits me perfectly. I love the feeling of absolute independence. Moreover, I am convinced that all this will happen in due time and without the help of some powerful Corporation. Another open question. I have no idea about a response.

The words of Maestro do not go out of my head: «Better stick together to the last,» said the elder. How will I interact with all these people? I’ve always had a hard time pairing quests, not to mention team games. I can find a common language with almost everyone, but it gives me discomfort to discuss and explain my decisions to someone else. Continuous questions and not a single even approximate answer!

Realizing that, despite the long tiring flight from Russia to China, I will not be able to sleep, I open my eyes.

«Alex, are you awake?» I ask in a whisper.

«No, I’m sitting and waiting for you to ask me if I’m sleeping,» he jokes. But the expression on his face is not at all like that self-confident cheerful grimace, which so angers and pleases me at the same time. «Lavina… sorry to my laughing at your fear of airplanes. It seems that from now on I am also afraid. It must be contagious. My own fault, I should have washed my hands in time,» Alex tries to cheer me up in his own peculiar manner.

«You’re pale, are you all right?»

«Yes, it’s from the awful look of the dinner. What is this muck? They didn’t manage to smash us to the ground, and that’s why they decided to poison us?»

«Alex… I always thought that the expression „life flies before your eyes“ is a myth. What did you seen in the last seconds of our lives?» I ask strangled, unable to drive away the obsessive memories.

«I haven’t seen anything like this, because I don’t have your violent imagination. I remember only one thought constantly spinning in my head: what a fool I was that I did not know how to appreciate life. That’s all. No faces, no memories, no sound thoughts. Only: what a fool I was, how blind I was. Probably, I should be grateful to the organizers for opening my eyes.»

«And are you grateful?»

Alex laughs joylessly:

«I’d hold each of them while the athlete polishes their smug faces. Tell me better about your visions.»

«It’s rather strange,» I say thoughtfully, «I saw brightly and distinctly moments from life, people’s faces and some places from the past. For a split second, I experienced the same emotions as during that period of time. Some events are clear-cut, and some have completely faded from memory. The last memory was my older sister. She died tragically 20 years ago in a terrible car accident.»

As soon as I say it out loud, I suddenly understand the reason for my sadness. No matter how successful and happy our life is, we will never be able to drive out ghosts from the past, survive the tragedies that have happened and heal the wounds inflicted. One way or another, they overtake us at the most unexpected moment and, when all bad things seem to be left behind forever, they fall down with a heavy and devastating load.

Suddenly a thought comes to my mind. What if each of us has experienced a terrible loss in the past and now leads his ordinary life trying not to look back, because there is only pain and emptiness? At least this is some kind of clue! I make the first note in my notebook: «Common: past tragic losses?»

«What are you writing there?» Alex cranks his neck curiously.

«Plan how to seize a million dollars.»

We talk to each other for a while. He tells a little about himself, generously seasoning the monologues with jokes and anecdotes. At the same time, the guy does not skimp on jokes about me.

I am deliberately not mentioning anything about my assumption. At the first stage, I don’t want to share my thoughts and guesses with anyone else, even with Alex. The conversation encourages me a little, but I still feel miserable. The rest of the passengers are either asleep or in muffled conversations with each other.

I decide to visit the restroom and follow to the rear of the plane. Suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, in the last row I notice a girl about 10 years old. She looks out the window and holds something tight to her chest. This is so unexpected that for a moment I am speechless. Although the rules did not mention anything about the age of the participants, I was sure that only adults are allowed to play. Does that mean she also had to go through that hell? Well, this is too much! It is inhumane and cynical to do such experiments on adults. But to subject children to such tests is a heinous crime. There is no limit to my indignation. I appeal to the girl:

«Hi! What’s your name?»

She turns her head to me, then looks away again without saying a word. I am amazed by her huge, serious and incredibly blue eyes. Combined with bright red hair and pale skin, they give the girl some kind of fantastic look. She reminds me of someone.

«My name is Victoria or Lavina, whichever you prefer,» I make a second attempt. This time she doesn’t even turn in my direction. «You understand English? Are you scared? Maybe you need help?»

No reaction. I stand in confusion for another minute, but the girl continues to ignore me. I decide to discuss this with Alex, but when I return, he is fast asleep, snoring in his chair. I make myself comfortable, close the eyes, and finally manage to fall into a restless sleep.