Jennifer Crusie - Manhunting

“I want a career and a husband. No,” she said as he started to speak. “I want a career and you as my husband. No substitutions.”

“Well, you can’t have it,” Jake said. “I’m not going back to any city, and I’m not going back to work. And you’re not going to find enough work here to keep you happy.” He looked over at her for a moment and then he smiled without humor. “They lied to you, kid. You can’t have it all.”

“At least I’m trying to get it,” she said. “I’m not rolling over and playing dead.”

“Kate,” Jake began, but she overrode him.

“You know, all that drivel about you wanting the simple life out here, that’s garbage. You don’t want the simple life, because you don’t want anything. You don’t want anything because you’re afraid to want anything. All you know is the safe stuff, the stuff you don’t want.”

“Hey,” Jake said. “You’re not exactly doing all that great with your own life, sweetie.”

“At least I’m trying,” Kate shot back. “At least I’m still in the game. No wonder you defended Will last night. He was doing a gold-medal performance in your favorite sport-running away.” She stood and dusted off the seat of her pants while she glared down at him. “I’m so mad at you, I could kill you. And at the same time, I love you so much, I can’t stand it” She shook her head at him, so angry that she could hardly speak. “You could come to work in the city if you wanted to. You could in a minute. And you’d love it. You know you would. You did once. You did last night. I saw you working on those plans. I saw how interested you were. Everybody saw it. We could have it all, damn it. You make me so mad…” Kate gritted her teeth to keep the scream that was rising in the back of her throat.

“Why don’t we wait until you’ve calmed down…” Jake began reasonably, and Kate did scream.

“What the hell?” Jake surged to his feet and reached for her, and she stepped back, glaring at him with red-eyed intensity.

“Don’t you ever patronize me,” she snapped. “Don’t you ever imply that we’re arguing because I’m out of control.”

“Well, hell, you’re acting like a banshee,” Jake said. “What am I supposed to do?”

“You’re supposed to answer me,” Kate yelled.

“You’re supposed to tell me how you feel, get mad at me, do anything but sit there looking like some good ol‘ boy Buddha with all the answers.”

“Buddha?” Jake said. “I know you think I’m godlike, but Buddha?”

“It won’t work.” Kate took another step back. “I’m not going to play any more word games with you. That’s part of our problem. We were so good at being cute together, we never bothered to be real.” Kate shook her head. “I love playing around with you, Jake, but I want real life, too.”

“Kate, does everything have to be a damned soap opera? Can’t we just be us together?” Jake gestured helplessly.

“No,” Kate said. “We don’t even know what ‘us’ is. You don’t even know who you are. Or what you want to be when you grow up.” She glared at him as her anger started to well up again. “And it’s time to decide, Jake, because you’re up.”

“You know-” Jake said, glaring back at her, so mad he had to start his sentence over again. “You know who you’re starting to remind me of?”

“Let me guess,” Kate snapped back. “Tiffany. Valerie. Every woman you’ve ever known who didn’t roll over and say, ‘Gee, Jake, it’s wonderful that you’re wasting an incredible mind and a great education by staring into the lake.’ Every woman who ever looked at you and made it obvious that she thought you were turning into a vegetable. You know why you hate all of us so much, Jake?”

“Because you’re pushy, scheming, manipulative, power-mad bitches?”

“No,” Kate said evenly. “Because you know we’re right” She turned on her heel and strode back to the cabin.

“The hell I do,” Jake yelled after her when he’d recovered from his surprise, but she was already gone.

Jake took most of his anger out on some brush he’d been putting off clearing from the south end of the resort. The digging and hacking wore out his body, but his mind went plodding on, reliving the morning in glorious Technicolor. Kate was wrong, he knew. Absolutely wrong. But he hated righting with her; hated not knowing if, when he saw her again, she’d smile at him like always, just because he was there. Finally he gave up and walked to her cabin, but when he got there, he saw Kate closing the trunk of her car. She was dressed in the same silk suit he’d first seen her in, her hair neatly rolled in a chignon.

“Kate?”

She started, and then turned around and smiled at him, a little too brightly. “I’m going to go ahead and take off now.” She shrugged a little. “There’s really no reason to stay, and I can beat the Sunday traffic.”

Jake felt his chest tighten and took a step forward. “Kate, listen, I…”

“No.” Kate bit her lip and then said, “I was… I didn’t really have any… It wasn’t my place… Those things I said this afternoon…” She frowned, trying to find the right words. “I’m sorry. You have a right to do what you want with your life, and you were obviously perfectly happy before I showed up and will be again as soon as I’m gone, so…” She smiled and shrugged. “I’m going.”

“Oh,” Jake said. “So, this is what you want?”

“No,” Kate said. “But this is what I’ve got.” She took a deep breath. “Maybe you’re right. It’s too soon and too fast and maybe this is just physical and…” She stopped and swallowed again. “And it really hurts too much to stay here anymore,” she finished. “It’s going to be easier on both of us if I just go.”

Jake stood there helplessly, trying to think of the right thing to say, but there wasn’t any right thing. And finally, Kate kissed him on the cheek. Then she got into the car and drove away while he stood in the road and watched.

It’s better this way, he thought, and wasn’t convinced. “It’s better this way,” he said aloud, firmly, and turned back toward his own cabin.

He still wasn’t convinced.

Amonth later, Jake sat in an Adirondack chair on the back veranda of the resort with his feet propped on the rail, watching the sun rise over the lake, and tried to feel content. It wasn’t happening. The old nagging feeling that he used to get had grown into a full-fledged monkey on his back, and it had been making him miserable and irritable since Kate had driven away. People had taken to avoiding him whenever necessary, and even Ben had lost patience with him finally.

“Look, if you’re that unhappy, do something about it,” he’d said the night before, slapping his cue down on the table. “Just stop taking it out on the rest of us.”

Jake had slapped his own cue down and stormed out of the bar, feeling equally angry and stupid.

The feeling had stayed with him all night and into the morning and was plaguing him still. Come on, Jake, he told himself. You live in God’s country, you are gloriously free, you have no responsibilities and no real worries. You’ve got it made.

Somehow it wasn’t enough. “I’ve got it made,” he said aloud, trying to convince himself. Will, who was backing out the door to join him, carrying two steaming coffee mugs, snorted with contempt.

“You’re disgusting,” Will said, looking down at him.

“What did I do now?” Jake asked.

“Well, you’ve alienated everybody in town, for starters,” Will said. “I can’t believe you were mean to Mrs. Dickerson.”