Cooper Jilly - Emily

He took my hand. ‘I’m afraid you lost it. We tried to save it, darling, you must believe that.’

I felt gripped by a piercing sadness. Then I said, ‘Where’s Rory?’

‘He’s fine.’

I said: ‘Where’s Rory? Tell me the truth, Finn.’

The yellow eyes flickered for a moment. ‘He hasn’t come back. He must be on the mainland somewhere.’

‘With Marina?’

He nodded. ‘I presume so. She disappeared the night you fell down the stairs. Neither of them has been seen since.’

I lay in my hospital bed for I don’t know how many days, dully watching the beauty of the Highland spring. Among this building of nests and mating of birds and animals, I felt alien and outcast. I ached for the baby I had lost. A brisk, bossy nurse looked after me, Nurse McKellen. She had come-to-bedpan eyes, and tried to fill me up with pills and pretty revolting food.

‘Couldn’t I have a nurse with a sense of humour?’ I asked Finn.

‘Not on the Health Service,’ he said.

I longed inordinately for his visits. He used to pop in during the mornings or late in the evenings after visiting hours and just sit holding my hand and telling me about his day, or letting me rave on about Rory and the baby, if I felt like it.

Once, when Jackie Barrett came in, he didn’t even let go of my hand.

‘She’s getting better,’ he told her.

‘Good,’ she said crisply. ‘You gave us all a fright,’ she added to me.

I thought I detected a few chips of ice in her blue eyes.

‘I thought you were having an affaire with her,’ I said after she’d gone.

Finn looked surprised.

‘She answered the telephone the night I rang, and sounded awfully proprietorial.’

‘She had no need to,’ said Finn. ‘We were only watching some medical programme on television.’

After that I felt much happier. I slept a lot. Finn still wouldn’t allow me any visitors and I didn’t want any. But at the back of my mind was a great deal of dread and expectation. I didn’t have to wait long.

Two days later I was lying in bed half asleep.

Suddenly there was a commotion outside and a familiar voice saying impatiently, ‘Where is she?’

Immediately I was awake and drenched with sweat, my pulses pounding.

‘Don’t be so bloody stupid,’ continued the voice. ‘I’m her husband!’

Then Nurse McKellen’s voice, anxious and flustered. ‘I’m sorry, Dr Maclean’s orders are that she has no visitors.’

‘Then I’ll go through the wards waking every patient till I find her.’

‘You dinna understand, sir, Mrs Balniel’s been verra ill. She had severe concussion and internal haemorrhage as well, and she’s been very depressed since she regained consciousness, learning about losing the baby, poor wee lassie.’

‘The what?’ Rory’s voice was like the crack of a whip. ‘What did you say?’

‘Since she lost the bairn. You must have been disappointed too, sir?’

Then Rory’s voice hissing through his teeth. ‘Where is she, damn you?’

And Nurse McKellen’s high-pitched shriek. ‘Don’t you lay your hands on me, young man! All right, Mrs Balniel’s in there, but I’ll no answer for Dr Maclean when he comes back.’

I heard a quick step outside. A moment later the door was flung open and in strode Rory. ‘So there you are.’

‘Hello, Rory,’ I croaked.

He was beside the bed, black eyes blazing, his face deathly pale against the black fur of his coat.

‘What’s this about a baby?’ he demanded. ‘Is it true?’

I nodded.

‘How long had you known?’

‘About two months.’

‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me?’

‘I tried to,’ I said miserably. ‘I wanted to so badly. I just didn’t feel up to it.’

‘And you threw me out without even letting me know of its existence!’

‘I didn’t think you’d be interested.’

‘Not interested in my own child?’

‘Mr Balniel.’ It was Nurse McKellen again, her starched bosom heaving. ‘We mustn’t disturb Mrs Balniel.’

Rory didn’t turn his head.

‘Get out, you fat bitch,’ he said.

Then, when she didn’t he turned on her. One look at the murderous expression on his face and she scarpered.

‘How did it happen?’ he asked.

‘I was wearing your dark glasses. I must have missed the top step of the stairs and conked out when I hit the bottom.’

‘I suppose you don’t remember anything about it?’ he said.

‘Not much,’ I said slowly, ‘but I remember very vividly what happened before.’

Rory side-stepped the issue. ‘Why the hell couldn’t you have told me about the baby before?’ he said. ‘It was criminally irresponsible of you, I hope you realize that?’

‘I knew you were in love with Marina,’ I said feebly. ‘If I’d told you about the baby you’d have thought I was trying to trap you.’

‘That’s the most fatuous remark I’ve ever heard,’ snapped Rory. ‘I suppose it was my child?’

I burst into tears. At that moment Finn walked in. He was livid. You could feel the hatred sizzling between the two men like summer lightning.

‘What’s going on?’ Finn said to Nurse McKellen.

‘Make him go away,’ I sobbed.

‘Leave her alone,’ thundered Finn. ‘Get out of here. Do you want her to have a complete relapse?’

‘She’s my wife,’ said Rory, ‘I’m entitled to stay with her.’

‘Not if you’re going to make her ill. Look at her.’

Finn sat down on the bed and put his arms round me. ‘There lovie, it’s all right.’

‘I can’t take any more,’ I sobbed into Finn’s shoulder. ‘Please make him go away.’

Finn looked up. Rory was ashen, his fists clenched.

‘Now are you going to get out?’ said Finn.

Rory walked out, slamming the door behind him.

Next day Finn flew round the island to visit his patients, and Rory rolled up at visiting time. He looked tired, sulky, unshaven, but still illogically handsome.

Oh, please, don’t let me fall under his spell again.

He brought with him a huge bunch of lilies-of-the-valley, two tins of pâté de foie gras , a pornographic novel and a bottle of Lucozade.

‘The meat paste is from my mother,’ he said. ‘Buster sent the piece of porn. He said he enjoyed it, which is no great recommendation. They all send love.’

Then he handed me the Lucozade bottle.

‘This should get you through the long evenings. It’s whisky and water actually, but if you keep the top on I defy even Dr Maclean to tell the difference.’

I giggled. ‘How did you get in here?’ I said. ‘I should have thought Finn would have put bloodhounds on the gates.’

‘I batted my eyelashes at a rather formidable blonde called Dr Barrett. She said I could see you for a quarter of an hour.’

‘That figures,’ I said.

‘How are you?’ I asked.

‘I’m fine,’ said Rory.

‘Who’s looking after you?’ I said, then blushed furiously. ‘I mean… I didn’t mean to pry.’

‘No-one’s looking after me,’ he said.

I was dying to ask where Marina was, but suddenly I felt exhausted, like a hostess at the end of a party when no-one’s enjoyed themselves.

‘You don’t have to stay,’ I said. ‘It’s awfully boring visiting people in hospital.’

‘Sick of me already, are you?’

I looked up and he was staring at me, as if for the first time. He went on staring until I dropped my eyes in embarrassment.

He got up to go. ‘I’ll come back tomorrow,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry about the baby.’

Then he did the strangest thing. He leant forward and did up the four undone buttons of my nightie.