Janet Evanovich - The Grand Finale

Jake’s hand was at Berry’s elbow, moving her forward. “That’s wonderful. Congratulations.” He steered Berry toward Mildred and Bill. “Berry and I are very happy for you.”

“Berry don’t look so happy,” Mrs. Fitz said.

“She’s surprised,” Jake explained.

Berry managed a feeble smile. Pull yourself together! she ordered. You’re supposed to be happy for them. She had a lump in her throat the size of a basketball, and blind panic raced helter-skelter through her brain. Mildred was married. How could she have acted so recklessly? Didn’t she know the statistics on divorce? Why would she rush into a relationship that might fail?

Mrs. Fitz looked up at Jake. “Is it all right to have a party? I guess I should have called first, but I got so excited.”

Jake grinned. “Of course it’s all right to have a party. It’s not every day Mildred gets married to my sister’s father-in-law.” Jake turned to the flustered-looking bridegroom. “Have you called Penny and Frank?”

“Who?”

“Your son. His wife. My sister.” Jake rolled his eyes. “Never mind, I’ll call them.”

An elderly woman with orange hair waved a brown paper sack in the air. “I brought my Sinatra collection. Where’s the stereo?”

A case of beer appeared in the foyer. Two stout ladies staggered under a stack of steaming pizza boxes. “Where should we put these?”

Jake winced as the stereo blared Sinatra. “Good thing I don’t have neighbors.” He took Berry’s hand and led her to the phone. “This hasn’t exactly been the evening I’d planned.”

“You’re being a very good sport about it.”

“I’m trying to impress you with my good-humored flexibility. I’m actually screaming inside. I was leading up to a grand finale.” He dialed his sister’s number and made no attempt to keep the laughter from his voice while he explained the occasion and invited them to the party. He turned back to Berry. “About my grand finale…”

Berry blew out a sigh. “I have to tell you, I was really looking forward to it.”

Jake cracked his knuckles. “Me too. I was working myself up to it.”

“You sound nervous.”

“Scared to death. I’ve never done it before.”

Never done it before? She thought they’d done everything. “This doesn’t involve handcuffs, does it? Or leather stuff?”

Mrs. Fitz bustled past them. “We’re out of ice cubes. Isn’t this some party?”

“Yeah,” Jake said, “some party. Wall-to-wall people. Where’d all these people come from? Do we know any of them?”

Berry self-consciously crossed her arms over her newfound cleavage. “Jake, about this grand finale. I’m sort of a traditional person.”

“Damn, now I’ve made you nervous, too.” His eyes traveled around the crowded house. “If only we could find some nice quiet place we could still do it.”

“Well, ah… no sense being hasty about this. Maybe it would be best if we waited.”

“Aha!” His face lit up. “The bathroom. We can do it in the bathroom.”

Eek, Berry thought. What the heck was he going to do to her in the bathroom?

Jake draped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into the powder room adjacent to the kitchen. He locked the door behind him and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Um, maybe you’d better sit down.”

Berry looked at the only possible seat and cracked her knuckles. “Do I have to sit? I mean, couldn’t we start out standing?”

“Sure. I just thought-this is a little awkward.”

Awkward? This wasn’t awkward. It was insane. The man had flipped. She must have flipped, too. Why else would she have followed him in here?

Jake looked thoughtful. “I’m not sure how to begin.”

Oh, boy, this was going to be another disaster. She could feel it coming. Her mother had lived for fifty-two years without ever losing a mitten, much less a car. Her mother had a sane, orderly life that never included exploding cereal, burning apartments, or being locked in the bathroom with a crazy man. How did it happen that someone who’d inherited those sensible Scandinavian genes could be fated to stumble through life in such an absurd fashion?

“Listen, Jake, it isn’t exactly that I have anything against doing it in the bathroom. After all, it was great in the shower, but this is different. This is sort of strange.”

Jake grinned. “You think I brought you in here to ravish your body?”

“Of course not. That’s ridiculous.” She bit her lip. “Well, yes.”

“Honey, that’s so naughty.”

Berry’s cheeks flamed. “What the devil did you bring me in here for?”

“To propose.”

She closed the lid and sat down with a thud. “Maybe I’ll sit down after all.”

Jake took a small blue velvet box from his pocket and assumed the traditional proposal position of kneeling on one knee. “Berry, will you…”

There was a knock at the door.

“Occupied!” Jake shouted. He popped the ring box open, and a huge diamond twinkled at Berry. “I’d like to take more time with this, but someone wants to use the bathroom.” He quickly slipped the ring on her limp finger. “Will you marry me?”

Berry sat absolutely mute, staring at the ring in dazed disbelief. What if she actually married him? Someday her children would ask how she got engaged, and she’d have to tell them it was while she was sitting on the toilet. Her mother got engaged at a church picnic. Her sister got engaged in a fancy restaurant. Lingonberry Knudsen got engaged on the toilet.

Jake patted her hand. “Too excited to speak?”

Berry opened her mouth, but no words emerged. Her mind was a blank. They hadn’t invented words yet that suited this occasion.

“You feel okay? You’re not going to faint, are you?”

Faint? Faint was the last thing she’d do. She was recovering from the shock, and she was damn mad. She was so mad her skin felt clammy and two bright red spots stained her cheeks. She clenched her fists and pressed her lips together.

Jake took a step backward. “Uh-oh, you’re mad.”

“Yes. No.” She threw her hands into the air. “I don’t know what I am!”

“I had a speech prepared, but some senior citizen has to use the facility.”

This was a special moment for Jake, Berry realized. A fragile moment. And she didn’t want to ruin it. She didn’t want to rain on his parade. Problem was she had this anger. It was just there, bubbling inside her.

“I’m having issues,” Berry said.

“Do you love me?”

“Of course I love you.”

Jake wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “Then everything will work out just fine.”

There was another loud rap at the door.

Jake unlocked the door and ushered Berry past a wiry, gray-haired lady. “Sorry we took so long,” he apologized.

“Merciful heavens,” the woman exclaimed in a sharp intake of breath. She looked disapprovingly at Berry and slammed the door.

Mrs. Fitz suddenly appeared, shaking her finger. “I saw the two of you come out of the bathroom together. What the devil were you doing in there?”

Jake held Berry’s hand up to display the ring. “Getting engaged.”

“That’s wonderful!” Mrs. Fitz said, clasping her hands to her chest.

Berry snatched her hand away. “Actually, we were only talking about getting engaged. I don’t think-”

“Listen up, everyone,” Mrs. Fitz shouted. “Berry and Jake got engaged.”

A pretty brunette extended her hand to Berry. “I’m Jake’s sister Penny. I’m so relieved to see Jake’s finally fallen in love. We thought it’d never happen.” Penny grinned at her older brother. “Everyone in the family’s tried to find a girl for Mr. Picky, here, but nothing doing. Jake always said he’d know when the right one came along, and he wasn’t going to settle.”